Atkins Nutritionals Wins Bidding War for King Samir Shabazz
King Samir Shabazz, diet guru
Atkins Nutritionals proudly announced today that it has successfully signed King Shamir Shabazz as it’s new spokesperson, winning the much publicized and very heated bidding war with the South Beach Diet Partnership. Currently serving as the head of the Philadelphia chapter of the New Black Panther Party, Shamir is famous for his vehement hatred of carbohydrates in all of their forms, and his thin figure is the envy of overweight suburban males nationwide.
“We could find no one else in the public eye with the same passion for a low-carb diet, save perhaps Twitter celebrity Erika Dorsey,” explained Larry Sonderson, head of advertising for Atkins Nutritionals.
Pssst. It's Erika.
“We eventually eliminated her because of her radical conservative political views that our target audience of middle to upper-class white adults with kids just can’t identify with. Once Shamir was cleared of all charges by Attorney General Eric Holder for supposed voter intimidation we had to jump right on before he was snatched from us,” he added.
The exact amount that Mr. Shabazz is being renumerated for as a spokesperson is a highly guarded secret by Atkins Nutritionals, but almost anything should be a nice increase from the $17,621 dollars that Mr. Shabazz claimed as income on his 2009 Federal taxes.
The text of King Shamir’s latest press release displays the fiery tenacity and single-minded drive that earned him this new contract:
LISTEN UP CRACKAS! I’m here for one purpose, and that’s to KILL CRACKAS! You wanna know why you’re fat? TOO MANY CRACKAS! I don’t care how many crackas I have to kill, I don’t even care if I have to kill some cracka babies. Speaking of babies, have you seen that cracka Jason Alexander? He looks like a fat cracka baby! Why are you speaking for Jenny Craig fat boy? I’m coming for you chubby cracka boy, you and that busted ass donut chomping hoochie Sara Rue. There’s only one diet for a black man, and that’s the Atkin’s diet. You don’t see my skinny ass walking down the street with a cracka in each hand, do you?
Ever since the announcement, critics have been quick to point out that Atkins Nutritionals still hasn’t recovered from it’s 2005 bankruptcy filing and that people don’t have the disposable income to eat a high protein diet in the current economy. Barry Sears of The Zone Diet even pointed out via email that “If you look closely at Shamir he has a big gut, he just hides it with all of that black clothing. I think this is just an attempt to steal the thunder from the Kwanzaa Bar® that I’m launching later on this year.”
Knifework.net promises to keep you informed on all developments with the new ad campaign and to never attempt to vote again.
Obama Reverses Stance on Illegal Aliens
In a shocking speech this afternoon, President Barack Obama announced that his stance on illegal immigration and the status of non-citizens in this country had reversed and “that he had no idea what he was thinking before.” According to his statement the following changes by the Federal Government take effect immediately:
- Formation of a 500,000 person strong national internal security force with a budget of some $800 billion a year. This police force will be granted unlimited power to comb through personal and business records nationwide to ascertain the legal status of every individual and ensure that they are in full compliance with their obligations as citizens of the United States.
- Construction of a 85 foot high, 10 foot thick concrete wall across the entire southern border of the United States. The initial contractor will be Modern Continental Corporation of Cambridge, MA. The vast experience they gained helping Boston’s “Big Dig” come in on time and under budget will be valuable according to Obama.
- Construction of 50 “Transition Camps” across the United States. Initial reports are that most of these camps will be based in the Midwest and the state of Arizona. The camps will be able to hold up to 100 million individuals for an extended period of time and are strategically located so that detainees will be able to volunteer on nearby “shovel ready” public projects.
- Appointment of Wolfgang Schwanitz as the new “Verification of Citizenship Czar”.
While initially confused by the about-face, pundits quickly saw the logic behind Obama’s change of heart. MSNBC’s Dave Weigel was quick to point out that Obama has stolen the issue of immigration from conservatives and traded the iffy votes of illegal aliens for the most reliable of liberal voters: easily directed and controlled government workers.
Knifework.net promises to keep you informed and updated on all new developments with this breaking story, just as soon as we make sure we have a current copy of our birth certificate nearby.
D.E.A.T.H. Proclaims Operation Spring Awakening “Total Success”
Phase One of Spring Awakening involved the torpedoing of the South Korean warship Cheonan from the submersible stealth yacht SS Birdshot. Despite shelling from a nearby South Korean Navy vessel, Captain Cheney and the genetically enhanced crew of the Birdshot were able to exit the area and quietly traverse across the Pacific and through the Panama Canal for the second phase of Spring Awakening. It is estimated that the rise in tensions along the Korean DMZ and subsequent arms sales netted DEATH 100 billion USD in profits.Phase Two was the deployment of the Stent-class microsub from the SS Birdshot where Cheney and his crack commando team covertly placed explosives on the South Korean built Deepwater Horizon oil rig. The eleven DEATH operatives already on board were able to disembark and be evacuated to present the appearance of casualties. All of the following goals of Phase Two were met:
1)Rise in worldwide oil prices.
2)Destruction of wildlife in the Gulf area so that DEATH can replace them with cyborg reconnaissance drones.
3)Complete and total humiliation of the Obama administration.
4)Further heightened tensions on the Korean peninsula.
It is estimated that current profits from Phase Two are 150 billion USD and ten chuckles by their leader Cheney.
Phase Three was the seeding of clouds over the Mississippi river basin by the Monsoon Assassin, a Boeing 747 Large Cargo Freighter modified by DEATH subdivision Halliburton. Five sorties by the Monsoon Assassin and ten specially placed explosive charges by Cheney along flood control levees meant that in days large swathes of Metro areas in Tennessee were underwater, taking advantage of numerous no-bid contracts Halliburton has to provide post-diaster emergency services in the state. Because of poor timing by DEATH, profits from this operation were only about 50 billion USD. Cheney reminded his staff that the rise in oil prices after Phase Two and the large fuel consumption of the Assassin showed the need for better communication throughout the organization. He then demonstrated his youthful vigor by fatally throwing a ball point pen through the temple of the person responsible for Phase Three.
Knifework.net has been invited back to the next DEATH Board of Directors meeting, check back for further updates. Or else.
Ask Amy: The Retirement
Dear Amy,
Due to the incompetency of others, I recently lost my job of 30 years and now I don’t know what to do!As Senator, serving others has been my life’s passion. I fear that nothing can possibly compare to the accomplishment one feels when voting ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on a piece of legislation.
Do you think I’ll ever find fulfillment again?
Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Your friend,
Arlen
Dear Arlen,
I’m truly sorry about your job loss – people can be so fickle sometimes!
Don’t be discouraged though. You’re entering a new and exciting phase in your life, and I think you’ll find plenty of ways to occupy your time.
The good news is, you can continue to play Solitaire and surf the internet on your home computer. These are undoubtedly activities to which you have become accustomed, considering all the time you’ve spent on the Senate floor. I mean, who really needs to pay attention to another Republican blathering on about healthcare reform? Besides, it’s not like anything they say, no matter how valid or logical, would ever sway you from your predetermined opinion.
If you find yourself becoming bored with reading about those despicable teabaggers, you might consider a part time job as a Walmart greeter. I feel this is a job for which you would be well suited, as your last job consisted mainly of standing around, smiling and waving to people. A few words of caution, though – you’ll have to check receipts, which means you’ll need to brush up on your reading skills, as they haven’t been put to use in quite some time. More importantly, there are two entrances into Walmart – so whichever side you choose, be sure to stay put. For some reason, they don’t like it when you constantly switch sides. Silly, I know.
Finally: take a trip to Vegas! I know you Senators love to gamble, as evidenced by your willingness to vote on bills you’ve never even read. Will it be good or bad for the country? Who knows??!! What a rush that must be! Just be aware that in Vegas you gamble your own money, rather than money belonging to someone else. Or maybe you have some leftover donation money you could use? I mean really, your supporters owe you for failing to get you re-elected. Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time campaign money was used to fund a personal vacation, right? Ha! Suckers.
Well, Arlen, I hope I’ve been of some help to you. Good luck in your future endeavors. Just remember: the world is your oyster, so keep stealing as many of those pearls as you can.
Yours truly,
Amy
Your Guide To Potential Supreme Court Nominees
With the recent retirement of Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, speculation has been rampant as to who President Obama will nominate as his successor. Knifework.net has been lucky enough to glean information from insiders in the Obama administration and elsewhere and has prepared a list of those who appear to be the leading contenders for one of the most prestigious positions in the world.
Sam Webb
Current chairperson of the Communist Party of the USA, Sam is also the former state organizer of the Michigan Communist Party. He has a Masters in Economics from the University of Connecticut and in his spare time enjoys scrapbooking and creating innovative Asian fusion dishes.
His article “Socialism Revisted” is reportedly required reading at North Korea’s Camp 22.
“While I resist the idea that the working class on its own can bring its class opponents to its knees, I don’t minimize the strategic social power of the working class nor occlude the Marxist insight that the working class because of its economic location, political capacities and historical experience is best positioned, though not preordained, to emerge as the general leader of the broader democratic movement.” -Sam Webb
Cass Sunstein
With two degrees (including a magna cum laude J.D.) from Harvard and extensive experience working as a clerk in the Supreme Court his qualifications are without reproach. Mr. Sunstein has extensively argued for the dissolution of marriage, increased taxes, animal rights, and the nationwide banning of the Goober Burger.
Mr. Sunstein is currently the Regulatory Czar for the Obama administration, a position that no one has any clue what the fuck it is.
“A system of limitless individual choices, with respect to communications, is not necessarily in the interest of citizenship and self-government.” -Cass Sunstein
Samantha Ronson
Americans have wondered for years what it would take for us to have a Jewish Lesbian DJ as a Supreme Court Justice, and it appears the wait may soon be over. Renowned Hip-Hop and House DJ Samantha Ronson may not have the bona fides of other candidates, but her time spent as Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend has provided her with extensive knowledge of the legal system.
Her only drawback may be her libertarian views on government intervention in the public’s personal lives, as evidenced in this quote by her:
“Dear US gov’t- looking for people bored enough to fill out your census? Try the 405 or the DMV. You’re welcome, samantha.”
Kevin Carson
The wild card in this list, no one seems to know if Kevin Carson is an anarchist, libertarian, or communist. Barely known outside of intellectual circles for his work, Kevin is best known for his HALO skills on XBOX Live as “wombat21″.
“As a white man, I can tell you, I derive very little satisfaction from the knowledge that I’m being screwed over by people who look like me. Instead of worrying about the racial and gender makeup of the board rooms and cabinets, I’d like to tear them down.” -Kevin Carson
Amy Klobuchar
Currently the senior United States Senator from Minnesota, Klobuchar has extensive legal experience and in 2001 Minnesota Lawyer named her “Attorney of the Year”. In 2008 Klobuchar voted in favor of the Intelligence Authorization Act which included a provision to ban the use of waterboarding by the United States, seemingly contradictory to rumors that she waterboarded neighborhood children for fun in the early 1990′s.
“I raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends — true story! I know that is the record in the Senate, but in the House it’s held by Barney Frank.” -Amy Klobuchar
Cynthia McKinney
Surprisingly the first black nominee on our list, Cynthia is perhaps the one most in line with the personal political philosophy of President Obama himself. Just like our President, she has long been an admirer of Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, and is a longtime supporter of the Palestinian cause.
Ms. McKinney is the only truther on our list, and also the only personal witness to slavery and the Holocaust.
“Images of burning Red Cross and UN buildings struck by US bombs contrasted with images of thousands of desperately poor Afghan women carrying sickly and starving children out of Afghanistan as they flee the might of the US military is tearing at international public confidence in our war against terrorism.” -Cynthia McKinney
Eva Angelina
As the last nominee on our list Eva is also the most contentious, but the idea of a pornographic actress in government is not without precedence. A staunch advocate of sexual freedom, abortion, drug use, and very interested in health care issues, Eva would be on the Court for a long time due to her age. She could also be a veteran and shows exceptional drive and aptitude as evidenced by a quote from an interview with her:
“Yeah, I’ve been in the business for a while. Since three months after I turned eighteen I’ve been in. Before It was always porn or the Navy, and I chose porn. I’ve been having a blast, you know? I’m the kind of person that always wants to do something at least once in their life. I think the Navy will be great and provide me with the skills I need to come back and run my corporation the best way possible, I’ll know how to run the business. I’ll have the discipline, the organizational skills, and I think I’ll be taken more seriously.”
New Iran Sanctions Spark Protest
Wait, which one of us is a guy again?
What would normally be a peaceful Sunday morning in Portland, Oregon was shattered by the sound of Converse All-Stars pounding the pavement in unison.
“You better, you better, you’d better not take their Grandma’s sweater!” was the chant as a sea of hipsters shuffled slowly in protest of the new economic sanctions against Iran proposed by the Obama administraton. The controversial proposal placing limits on the import of Pabst Blue Ribbon, fixed-gear bicycles, “Che” t-shirts, Arcade Fire albums, and other items caught the attention of people in coffee shops across the nation.
“I know I voted for Obama, but he is dead wrong on this. It’s time he stood up for the people of Iran,” said James Ivoy from the Pearl District. “Without an ample supply of indie music or Pabst, how are the youth of Iran expected to express their individuality?” asked Robyn “Robo” Bolsard.
Especially virulent were the cyclists, who performed silent track stands in unison every 300 yards. Many were sporting t-shirts that read “Don’t Nix the Fixie” along with a picture of Obama and a finger pointing at him. “We thought about a picture of the President with a circle and slash through him” said Aiden Buke of Hawthorne, “but that was considered too aggro.”
The march continued through downtown Portland for twenty blocks, only stopping once to admire a rare 1978 Chevrolet El Camino.
Although peaceful at the moment, knifework.net promises to monitor this burgeoning movement and provide you with handy tips on how to disperse any protests in your area should this group become violent or slightly motivated.
When the Right goes Wrong
I run the risk of alienating some of my conservative readers with this post, but sometimes the right does something so absolutely monstrous…so execrable, hideous and downright repugnant…that I can not allow it to go unchecked.
I am speaking, of course, about this video (if you haven’t yet watched it, I will pause for a moment and allow you to do so):
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MddREczVeL4]
Sorry about that.
Now I don’t know who these guys are, but aside from being birther lunatics they have no business making hip-hop music. Constitution Kate? I can’t even think up a joke for something so lame, and that pisses me off. It also looks like they put some money and effort into this, which makes it a little sad.
I’m all for turning Barack Obama into a one-termer, don’t get me wrong. But can we please see about accomplishing that while keeping our dignity intact?
Note to W.A.S.P.’s: Do not make rap videos.