Progressive rule has been, by all White House accounts, a resounding success. Despite this, Democrats are bracing for a very unforgiving election this November.
How can this be, many in the party are asking themselves. The answer is simple. They just can not shake the stigma that the left is made up predominantly of rapists.
But is this, as many Democrats protest, nothing but an evil smear unfairly attached to them by the owner of this website? Absolutely not. This falls under the category of Baseless Attacks. When one consults the Rulebook, they find that these are deemed to be completely acceptable.
As such, I am under no obligation to prove the undeniable truth that the vast majority of Democrats harbor rapist tendencies, but I will present some hard evidence anyway. And I challenge, no defy, anyone who disagrees to prove that Democrats are not past, present or perhaps future rapists.
An exhaustive study conducted by Rape Relations in America, a not-for-profit research center that I made up five minutes ago for the express purpose of backing up my accusation, concluded that 99.9% of Democrats have never apologized for being a rapist.
This in itself is very disturbing.
Furthermore, as I revealed in a public statement last night, attendees of a Coffee Party rally groped me as I walked through the crowd. Several times they called me a “cracker” and a “grade-A piece of meat.” Even though there were dozens of TV news cameras in the immediate vicinity, there is unfortunately no video evidence of this event. However, this guy irrefutably substantiates my claim:
Beyond my own personal experiences, any rational human being will tell you that just speaking with a registered Democrat will convince you that they are probably a rapist at heart. Their tones and patterns of speech reveal a darkness that simply can not be denied. Listen as they contemptuously rant about Sarah Palin. Why? Because they disagree with her political ideology? Preposterous! The only logical conclusion is that they disparage and objectify her for being a woman, the hallmark of any true rapist.
But does this rapism go beyond the party faithful, all the way up into the highest levels of Democratic leadership? I submit that it very well could. And therefore does.
Recently, the longest serving member of Congress passed away. Senator Robert Byrd was a former and repentant racist (not rapist, but who knows?). Who could say whether or not the longest currently-serving Congressman, John Dingell, Jr., has ever raped or is capable of rape? In fact, I would say that every sitting Democratic politician is at the very least capable of rape. Except for maybe the frail and spindly Henry Waxman.
As Scott Johnson, self-professed expert on pretty much everything tells me, “To my knowledge, no Democrat has ever condemned the rapes we all know they have committed.”
Investigating this claim, I called my Senator’s office at 2:25 pm. I asked to speak with Kay Hagan (D-NC) and was told she was not in the office. I then related to the staffer the contents of this story and asked if Senator Hagan was prepared to officially denounce, repudiate and condemn the rampant rapism within the Democratic party. I was immediately hung up on.
Make of that what you will.
Knifework.net learned today from it’s exclusive Hollywood contacts that President Obama has ordered last minute changes to the remake of the 80′s classic “The Karate Kid”. The original movie features the story of a young boy who through sacrifice, hard work, humility and knowledge overcomes not only his tormentors but his own fear. Once our President got wind of the fact that the 2010 remake stayed true to this story he felt it was necessary to take time away from mediating talks over the possible breakup of the Big 12 Conference and personally intervene so that this new movie would reflect our new American values.
The new movie features Jaden Smith as Dre Parker, a twelve year old tormented by the children of Tea Party members in his neighborhood. Dre turns to Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), a local Asian-American who works for the Census Bureau going door-to-door gathering data for the American Community Survey. Mr. Han has perfected his own martial art through years of dodging violent constitutionalists who wrongly consider the idea of a continuous government data gathering project intrusive and unconstitutional.
Mr. Han initially has Dre perform such menial looking tasks as riding a stationary bicycle to generate electricity, sorting recycling, and collecting oil from restaurants to create biodiesel. However Dre is surprised to learn that all of these activities have helped him to learn essential moves in the art of Tae-Gore-Do, Mr. Han’s martial art.
The most visible change in the remake is during the finale when Dre fights Johnny, son of the local Tea Party organizer. The “Crane Kick” stance from the original is replaced with the “Oil Soaked Pelican” stance, which enables Dre to demonstrate our new American values of passiveness, environmental awareness, courageous restraint, and inaction during a crisis.
The movie ends with Dre in the hospital recuperating from the injuries he sustained while using Tae-Gore-Do. The last shot is his doctor (Ezekiel Emanuel) explaining to him that his age and race qualify him for the kidney transplant he requires after his severe beating.
As soon as knifework.net can get a trailer for this new version we will immediately post it – we know you are as anxious as us to see this exciting new film.
Hordes of disgruntled Americans took to the streets yesterday, participating in Tea Party rallies across the nation. The aftermath has left progressives scratching their heads.
“I just don’t get it,” mumbled political science professor Jim Hendrickson as he paced around his current place of employment, Starbucks. “Why did the Tea Party rallies get so much network coverage? No one started a fight with the police, called for an assassination, or even burned a flag.”
This sentiment has rippled through the left, sending many of them scurrying to focus groups and self-help seminars. We were able to catch up with a few of them as they milled around outside begging for spare change.
“It’s just not fair,” wailed anti-war activist Turner Phelps, of Cincinnati. “When I was coming up, a protest wasn’t a protest until some innocent bystander got trampled and sent to the hospital to die in the waiting room.”
Donald Landry of Salem, Oregon told us that he heard shouting and saw signs off in the distance as he tuned his acoustic guitar on the corner of Hawkins Avenue. “Dude, I went over to check it out and I couldn’t even score any pot. What kind of bullshit protest was that?”
And Miguel Estrada bemoaned the lack of fashion he witnessed at Atlanta’s rally. “These people were wearing shirts made out of flags, I think. Fanny packs? Baby, this ain’t the fifteenth century!”
Almost everyone we talked to was concerned that the Tea Party was getting an unfair amount of coverage for their non-shenanigans, but not everyone agrees. Bernard Atkins of the Center for Political Progress, a polling firm that specializes in strangely worded questions and calling only their friends, says that he believes the Tea Party is having a hard time getting their message across.
“Until the Tea Party starts throwing motolov cocktails, vandalizing Mom and Pop stores, beating up minorities…basically everything we’ve been trying to accuse them of doing…I don’t think the average American is going to listen to them. You’re only wasting your time out there. So just stop.”
Jon Scott Ashjian came out of nowhere to enter the Nevada Senatorial Race with the backing of his newly formed group, Tea Party of Nevada.
“I don’t think Republicans own the Tea Party,” Ashjian said. “In fact, I know they don’t in Nevada, because I do.”
Some are accusing this fresh, new, grassroots candidate (with a registered Democrat, Barry Levinson, as his partner and “Tea Party” secretary) of being a fake - planted by Harry Reid for the express purpose of siphoning votes away from the GOP. Knifework.net doesn’t put in the man-hours necessary to substantiate or refute such claims, but we can report on the other homegrown Tea Party Candidates making political races around the country all the more interesting.
Thrift shop mogul and anti-war protester Sol Adelstein has presented himself as a more formidable opponent to Marco Rubio than Charlie Crist. With a platform that includes raising taxes on professional shuffleboard players, prosecuting Sea World for its imprisonment of Tillikum and ending all treaties with Israel, Adelstein is poised to be a force in the Tax Haven Tea Party for the foreseeable future.
Seeking support from the Old Fashioned Amish Tea Party, Gregory Mitchum believes that Pennsylvania would be better served by him instead of Pat Toomey. Painting himself as an outsider, Mitchum insists that his two-week old conversion into the Amish faith gives him a better understanding of the common man than someone who has been to Washington before.
Before becoming an Amish conservative, Mitchum was an environmental activist and sociology professor at Reading Area Community College. He left amid charges of sexual misconduct with a member of the school’s janitorial staff.
Wisconsin 7th Congressional District:
Bernie Obey, the first Greyhound politician in American history, looks to be a strong contender in this hotly contested race. Representative Dave Obey firmly denies that he had anything to do with his pet being put on the ballot saying, “We’d always noticed that Bernie liked to fetch the paper, we just had no idea he was keeping up with current events.”
Sean Duffy has filed no injunctions against Bernie, releasing this statement: Should he win, Bernie Obey will undoubtedly be a better Congressman than his owner.
There are no Left Coast Tea Party Candidates currently in this race as Barbra Boxer is waiting to see how Tom Campbell and Carly Fiorina poll against Chuck DeVore over the next few weeks.
Cable news networks, struggling to keep up in the ratings race, will ask the FCC to investigate charges of bias in their news programming, knifework.net has learned. Cable stalwarts CNN and MSNBC made the joint announcement on Thursday, shortly after the daily White House strategy conference call.
A flurry of press releases indicated that the networks would rely on independent audits from watchdog Media Matters for America and the Federal Communications Commission to find any irregularities in their news coverage.
MSNBC spokesperson Miopia Nostrumus said the network had been made aware of bias charges, but wanted an outside audit. “We’re aware from polling that some in the public have found bias in our reporting, but we sure can’t find it.” Nostrumus pointed to the even-handed style of MSNBC rising star Dylan Ratigan as an example of what she called “people reading bias into” their coverage:
“Calling Ratigan biased based on that clip is frankly just conservative wingnuttery,” Nostrumus said. “That’s like playing with dog whistles, is what that is. I just hope it doesn’t turn into some kind of McCarthy witch hunt.”
CNN Vice President of Media Operations Stu Kintanintiz suggested demographics as a reason for his network’s declining market share. “People are getting older, and not watching TV as much. It’s not the 1980s any more.” He believes an aging population is also more secure than in previous decades. “Not as many people are interested in the news with President Obama in charge and turning the country around,” Kintanintiz noted.
But Kintanintiz could offer no explanation for the perception of bias. “Off the record? I think that’s just an urban myth propped up by corporate propaganda.”
Follow @lheal on teh Twitter!