Ask Amy: The Press Secretary
Dear Amy,
I work hard in what can only be described as a thankless job.. or is it thinkless? Well, either way, nobody ever gives me the respect I deserve!
Acting as the liaison between POTUS and the media might sound glamorous, but I’m here to tell you – it stinks! Reporters ask me really hard questions (they’re such meanies!), and even though I’m always one hundred percent open and honest in my responses, people constantly question my ‘morals’ and my ‘ethics’.
To top it off, nasty Republicans are making fun of me on Twitter now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at hiding my contempt for them, right?
Anyway, please help me- I know you’ll be able to because you’re the smartest, prettiest, most awesomest answer lady in the whole wide world!!
Sincerely,
Robert Gibbs
Dear Gibbs-
First of all, do you mind if I call you Gibsy? I don’t want to confuse you with my favorite television character.
Second of all, Gibsy, can it with the flattery! I don’t need constant affirmation.. The only people who require such unwarranted praise and affection are those who are narcissistic, self righteous, and possibly a bit sociopathic. That’s not to insinuate that you know, or work directly under, someone who possesses such qualities.
Now, your first order of business is to invest in a dictionary because I don’t think the word ‘honest’ means what you think it means. Also, I realize you operate in the real world, where anti-immigration laws are totally unfair and the Constitution is more of a loose guide than anything else, but there are some who live in a fantasy world and believe government shouldn’t control every single aspect of life. Crazy, huh? So if you want to reach out to these nutjobs, you’re going to have to lower yourself to their level – or, at the very least, fake it. I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of faking it, right?
I would also suggest you jot down a list of possible questions before your next press conference and practice answering them. While such non-responses as ‘uhhhhhh’ and ‘It’s George W. Bush’s fault, duh!’ are perfectly acceptable to the MSM, they should occasionally be interspersed with more thoughtful, in depth answers. Keep those reporters on their toes!
I know it must be difficult working with a media who is so vehemently opposed to the Obama administration, but I think if you follow my advice, you’ll be able to make strides in repairing the rift in your relationship with those unrelenting reporters. If you can win over the media, the rest of the country is sure to follow, due to the high regard in which we hold our journalists (shout out Joe McGinniss!!). Maybe everyone will even stop laughing at you one day.. Hey, anything’s possible!
I’m sure your job is super duper hard, and being grossly underqualified probably doesn’t help, but hopefully my advice will make it a bit easier for you.
And Gibsy, if nothing else, remember this – your mommy will always love you, just like she told you last night when she tucked you into bed.
Your pal,
Amy
Socialized Medicine Linked to Crippling Retardation
In a stunning new study released today by the University of Ottawa, researches claim they have found a link between countries that have socialized medicine and debilitating retardation.
Violent retardation is a cry for help, researchers say.
“We are not sure yet just what aspect of universal health coverage causes retardation,” said provost Francois Houle. “But we think it has something to do with the fact that people who want it are retarded. It is hard to be sure because we are, in fact, retarded.”
After showing us around a very cluttered and disorganized laboratory, littered with colorful toys and soiled underclothes, Houle tried to recreate one of the experiments conducted by the University’s student research team. Picking up a small, metallic object that we later learned was an unfolded paper-clip, Houle crouched in front of the nearest electrical socket and inserted it. For the next 15 minutes, he replicated this experiment until he was distracted by a nearby computer’s screensaver.
Some time later, after prying him away from the screensaver’s bouncing icon (and then the purple balloon he found in a trashcan), Houle told us this new study was groundbreaking. He then proceeded to beat on the floor with his fists.
Asked for comment on the study, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the data was “unsurprising.”
America will lead the way in retardation, vows Gibbs.
“Why do you think we passed universal health care here in the States?,” asked Gibbs while tweeting on his iPhone. “99.7% of our base is retarded. You think they’d have put us in power otherwise?”
Gibbs also responded to Francois Houle’s stern warning to conservative pundit and author, Ann Coulter, that freedom of speech is defined differently in Canada than in the U.S.
“Not for long!,” he giggled.