DNC Unveils New Logo: Party Members Overcome with Excitement
“There’s a D – with a circle around it!”
Yesterday, Democrats across the nation waited breathlessly for the DNC to reveal what was promised to be a revolutionary change – one that would bring about a renewed sense of excitement not felt since the days leading up to the 2008 election. They would not be left disappointed. Much to the delight of the entire Democratic Party, the DNC revealed a brand new logo – a move that is sure to motivate Democrats like never before!
Maurice Smithson, of Buffalo, NY – and head of the local area Coffee Party – had this to say about the unprecedented change:
“When we first heard that the DNC had a major announcement planned, we knew it would be game changing, but never in our wildest dreams did we think it would be something so epic as a new logo! This is just the push we needed to get our party back on track. As soon as I heard the news, I immediately began making phone calls to people who had recently become disenchanted with party leaders. It was unanimous- every single person I spoke with said this new logo has restored their faith in the DNC. I mean, have you seen it? There’s a D – with a circle around it! It truly is amazing. I just can’t believe I’ve lived long enough to experience something so beautiful.”
The remainder of Mr. Smithson’s statement is unintelligible due to the sobbing, but it’s safe to say his passion for the new logo is shared by all Democrats.
We spoke to Michael Steele, chairman of the Republican National Committee, to get his thoughts on this recent turn of events.
“There is cause for concern, of course. We’ve heard reports of Coffee Party rallies this morning, where attendance was in the dozens. At this rate, their membership will be in the triple digits by the next election. Don’t count out the Republican Party, though. We have a few changes up our sleeve, as well.”
When pressed on the matter, Steele wouldn’t go into specifics, but he did leave us with this hint:
“Trust me when I say- telephone hold music is about to be taken to a whole new level.”
Exciting!
Hasbro Unveils “Steele Trap”
RNC Chairman Michael Steele
Today Hasbro unveiled it’s latest children’s board game, Steele Trap. It’s a fun and frolicking political romp that is sure to entertain children ages 8-13 as they learn about the crazy world of United States politics.
Steele Trap has the players compete to see who can fill up their bus with voters first and deliver it to the polling station intact. Along the way children navigate obstacles like the SEIU Roadblock, Pelosi Plastic Surgery Clinic, and the Lindsey Graham border crossing. Each turn the player spins a wheel and can either end up moving forward 2-4 spaces, drawing a “principle” card, drawing a “pander” card, or having to endure the dreaded “Steele Trap”!
Children playing the new game.
Every time a player moves their bus through the neighborhood they can pick up a voter if the space they land on is a street corner, vocational school, rehab center, or methadone clinic. If they spin and have to draw a “principal” card, something bad might happen, like having to stop to help an old lady and getting the tires on their bus slashed (move back three spaces)! If they spin and draw a “pander” card, they could end up with a handy item like a pack of cigarettes or a $20 bill to help pick up extra voters.
Worst of all is spinning and having the arrow land on the “Steele Trap”. When that happens you press the button on the included mini-bust of Michael Steele and he busts out a wacky phrase:
“You’re a Republican, all black voters off the bus!”
“No one votes for smaller government, lose two voters!”
“Lobbyists just took away your handouts, move back two spaces!”
“No one has a reason to vote for you, lose all voters!”
Michael Steele just told this child she's white.
Estimated playing time is 1-2 hours and children should require no more than one session of therapy for each three times they play the game.
Steele Trap is available now at all major retail locations for $30, $20 if you can prove minority ancestry. Knifework.net is currently awaiting a copy so we can post the reviews of actual children after cultural programming playtesting.
DNC Spends Thousands on Baseball Bats, Slow Cars, Gasoline
Much ado has been made over the RNC and Michael Steele spending thousands on limos, jets and strip clubs. But little has been said about the DNC’s expenditures. In an ongoing effort to provide grossly unfair and chemically imbalanced coverage, Knifework.net decided to look at the other side’s books. And what we found was frightening.
Frankie demands the best in opposition control
$7,000 was spent over the summer to outfit SEIU members for peaceful counter-protests at townhall rallies across the country. Even though lead pipes were plentiful and could have been purchased for next to nothing, the DNC decided to provide state-of-the-art Louisville Sluggers.
Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
Last year, the DNC, in conjunction with the Obama administration and Congress, spent $24,000 per every car purchased under the Cash for Clunkers program. But that pales in comparison to the whopping $600,000 spent on Henry Waxman’s fleet of Big Wheels. “Henry is a small man, in many different ways,” said DNC spokesthing Brad Woodhouse. “Plus, he likes lots of bright colors. He can’t pick just one. It was an absolute necessity.”
You can't make Motolov Cocktails without it.
And just this month, the DNC spent a staggering $940 billion on gasoline. This was used not only to torch the Constitution, but also Democratic election hopes this November.
To get serious for a moment, many on the Right are calling for Steele’s head. If you donated money to the RNC and expected it to go to campaign ads, I can understand your frustration. But as Riehl World View points out, this is the game. And if you think the DNC doesn’t play the same one, you’re deluding yourself.
I’m all for holding politicians accountable for how they handle taxpayer money, but Michael Steele isn’t a lawmaker. He’s paid to get Republicans elected, and it takes money to do that. It doesn’t matter what you or I may think of Steele, tossing out your chairman 6 months before mid-terms is a disaster-in-waiting.
Maybe Steele does deserve the ax for all this. I don’t know. I haven’t paid a whole lot of attention to this story. I have more on my mind than who schmoozed who at a fancy strip club. But is seems to me that the Right is all to eager to eat its own nowadays. I suppose it stems from the scorn we received when Republicans were last in charge, coupled with our own dissatisfaction of the policies they enacted. I understand that. But we want to get the knives out every time one of ours is accused of something, often before we even know the details.
We have Republicans apologizing for racial slurs that were most likely never even uttered. It’s a bit ridiculous if you ask me. Do we think the left is going to somehow respect us more for groveling? Are they going to pat us on the back and open their ears to our ideas? No. We simply have to beat them on Election Day. There is no other alternative.
Did the Left scream for Chuck Rangel’s resignation for taking trips to the Caribbean with lobbyist money? Did they howl for Pelosi’s gavel when she and 15 other donkeys (plus 6 Republicans) spent $2,200 a day in Copenhagen? Let me ask you this…what does the Left ever apologize for?
Buck the fuck up, Republicans.