Tragedy struck the White House Thursday when Che, the goldfish of President Obama’s daughter Sasha, was reportedly found floating on its side at the top of it’s bowl by Secret Service during a routine security sweep. The official story from the White House is that Che perished from an untreated case of Chilodonella. Dr. Ezekiel Emanual, resident White House veterinarian stated that Che was denied care for his disease because he had already fulfilled the maximum happiness quotient he could provide calculated via the CLSFP, or Complete Lives System For Pets. Dr. Emanual went further and said that Che would been euthanized in the next two months anyway, since in his old age all he did was “just float there”.
Conspiracy theorists on the internet have been slow to accept this story since rumors have long been running rampant that rogue Secret Service agents exist within the White House protection team. Adding fuel to the fire was a tweet from one @WHprotectiondude53 which stated “Just shot Rosebud’s fish, he jumped right out at me.” Although screenshots of the tweet exist, the account was closed shortly afterward.
The conspiracy theorists, who have been deemed “Fishers” by the media, are demanding that the White House release the photos that are known to have been taken of Che floating at the top of the fish bowl. They state that without seeing for themselves the signs of Chilodonella, such as clamped fins and a light-blue skin tone, there is no way to know for sure if that’s what really killed him, especially since Che, in accordance with traditional goldfish custom, was flushed down the toilet minutes later by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, widely known to be the least squeamish person in the White House.
Worse yet, pictures purported to be of Che with a fatal gunshot wound to the torso have already surfaced on the internet:
The Obama administration refuses to release photo of the dead Che because they claim doing so would offend known terrorist groups inside the United States, such as PETA and the Animal Liberation Front. “We don’t want anymore unwashed hippies getting naked in public parks and causing commotion over one photo, I think. I would also like a donut and a teddy bear and did you know what there are three people wearing red shirts in this room?” said White House spokesman Jay Carney.
Fisher activist Donald Trump has vowed to fight for access to the photo, even filing a FOIA request this afternoon and stating “It’s vitally important to the integrity of this country and it’s constitution that we find out whether or not this goldfish died of natural causes or if it was brutally assassinated by black-op government hit squad.”
Knifework.net promises to keep you abreast of this breaking story as long as we can remain above water.