Ask Amy: The Unadvice
Dear Amy,
I have become increasingly frustrated with my job over the past several months, due to so called ‘emergencies’ constantly interrupting my vacations and golf lessons. In talking with my wife, I discovered that she wrote to you a few weeks ago, and after doing so, felt much better about her problems. So I thought, ‘what the hell? Let’s give this thing a shot.’
I work in a high stress job, where people count on me to get things done. My performance thus far has been stellar, if I do say so myself, but there are people who constantly criticize me. It’s as if nothing I do is good enough for them, no matter how hard I might try.
For instance, there was a catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that occurred, I don’t know, a few days ago I guess. You may have heard about it. Anyway, APPARENTLY I’m supposed to just wave my arms and make it all better. Well, I can’t do that – my arms are simply too sore from yesterday’s round of golf. Besides, I’ve already addressed the nation twice regarding this issue, and I told BP to plug the damn hole. What more can I possibly do?
And look, in the end, isn’t this really just nature’s problem? I figure it’ll work itself out eventually. Oil is a finite resource, after all. Just as a precaution, though, I’ve hired Al Gore as my Environmental Czar. He claims that he has direct access to Gaia (some sort of higher power or something- I don’t know, I’m not very religious). Anyway, I’m inclined to believe him, due to the very official looking charts he showed me.
The on-call masseuse he demanded seemed like a strange request at first, but I hear massages are a good stress reliever. Saving the environment sounds as though it might be a pretty demanding job – and if anyone knows about demanding jobs, it’s me. Which reminds me, I need to check tomorrow’s tee time.
Anyway, then there’s the issue of the recession. I think it’s pretty clear at this point that the stimulus package was a rousing success. I mean honestly, if it weren’t, you would have heard by now. And according to my teleprompter, I’ve saved or created 3 bazillion jobs for the American people – at least, I think that’s what it says. There’s a smudge of what appears to be peanut butter on the screen. How many times do I have to tell Biden to keep his sandwiches away from my teleprompter??
Then, on top of everything else, I’ve got this joker, General McChrystal, insulting my administration during an interview with Rolling Stone. As this was my first real emergency since being sworn into office, swift action was taken- McChrystal was fired and justice was served. After all, no one insults me, my staff, me, my policies, and especially me and gets away with it. And some people claim I’m not doing a good job of leading the country. Please.
I had plenty of experience leading others back when I used to be a community organizer – and what is America, if not a giant community just begging to be organized? Maybe the problem is that some are resisting too much. If I’m to be a better leader, everyone needs to just shut up and do what I say.
Look, I’m a humble guy. If you were to ask people who the most important person in all of history is, they’d probably say me. Due to my humble nature, though, I’d have to go with Jesus. Now that you know the extent of my humility, you can trust that, if anything, I’ve downplayed my hard work and accomplishments.
Funny story – my wife just walked by and asked what I was doing. I told her I was writing to tell you how fantastic I am. She informed me I was supposed to be asking you for advice. HAH. As if I, the most knowledgeable man in the world, would ever need to ask for advice, especially from someone who’s not even from a more superior country, like Southern America (or what some people still refer to as Mexico). She did have one thing correct though – after putting my many accomplishments down into words, I’ve never felt better about myself!
To celebrate, I’m going to treat myself to a round golf (I hardly ever get to play, you know – I have things to do, unlike that last guy).
Thank you for taking to time to read about the awesome that is me. Or is it you who should be thanking me? Well, you can show your gratitude by not complaining when I raise your taxes.
Sincerely,
President Barack H. Obama
Dear President Obama,
I know you didn’t ask me for advice, but I have to at least respond or I’ll be fired. I would hate for your jobs created/saved to be tarnished in any way, as it’s such an impressive number. Why, I’ve never even heard of a bazillion! Your brilliance truly is unmatched. I guess that’s what a Harvard education will do for you.
I’m certain that you’re doing the absolute best job that you, yourself, are capable of doing. The American people know you’re not Superman – I’m sure everyone is perfectly happy with the way you’ve handled yourself in the face of an emergency.
Just continue doing things the way you’ve been doing them, and I feel confident that you’ll go down in history as the most memorable POTUS of all time.
If, for some crazy reason, you happen to need advice in the future, feel free to write – I’m pretty good at working an iPod.
Sincerely,
Amy
Obama Orders Changes To Karate Kid Remake
The old Karate Kid
Knifework.net learned today from it’s exclusive Hollywood contacts that President Obama has ordered last minute changes to the remake of the 80′s classic “The Karate Kid”. The original movie features the story of a young boy who through sacrifice, hard work, humility and knowledge overcomes not only his tormentors but his own fear. Once our President got wind of the fact that the 2010 remake stayed true to this story he felt it was necessary to take time away from mediating talks over the possible breakup of the Big 12 Conference and personally intervene so that this new movie would reflect our new American values.
The new movie features Jaden Smith as Dre Parker, a twelve year old tormented by the children of Tea Party members in his neighborhood. Dre turns to Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), a local Asian-American who works for the Census Bureau going door-to-door gathering data for the American Community Survey. Mr. Han has perfected his own martial art through years of dodging violent constitutionalists who wrongly consider the idea of a continuous government data gathering project intrusive and unconstitutional.
Mr. Han initially has Dre perform such menial looking tasks as riding a stationary bicycle to generate electricity, sorting recycling, and collecting oil from restaurants to create biodiesel. However Dre is surprised to learn that all of these activities have helped him to learn essential moves in the art of Tae-Gore-Do, Mr. Han’s martial art.
The new Karate Kid?
The most visible change in the remake is during the finale when Dre fights Johnny, son of the local Tea Party organizer. The “Crane Kick” stance from the original is replaced with the “Oil Soaked Pelican” stance, which enables Dre to demonstrate our new American values of passiveness, environmental awareness, courageous restraint, and inaction during a crisis.
The movie ends with Dre in the hospital recuperating from the injuries he sustained while using Tae-Gore-Do. The last shot is his doctor (Ezekiel Emanuel) explaining to him that his age and race qualify him for the kidney transplant he requires after his severe beating.
As soon as knifework.net can get a trailer for this new version we will immediately post it – we know you are as anxious as us to see this exciting new film.
Department Of Justice Files Charges Over Tragic Spill
Eric "Mad Dog" Holder
On Thursday Attorney General Eric Holder announced that criminal charges will be filed over the tragic spill that occurred 42 days ago in McKinney Texas. Holder and his crack team were lucky enough to be on the scene at Spoon’s Diner when James Friday, age 11, carelessly knocked over a large glass of milk his mother had ordered for him.
Domestic terrorist?
Quickly sensing the gravity of the situation Holder and his team sealed off the diner and informed all of the patrons that they would be detained indefinitely as witnesses.
“Whether this was an act of domestic terrorism or merely a unfortunate accident in a capitalist business exploiting the environment your cooperation is essential!” Holder was heard to shout immediately after the spill reached the soles of his $1500 Testoni Norvegese wingtips.
The diner has been shuttered since the incident much to the dismay of repeat customer Rudy Snow, a 73-year old veteran of the Marine Corps. “That Holder is one interesting fellow. He didn’t care when that little boy starting crying after spilling his milk, but as soon as it hit those fancy shoes of his he jumped up like a coiled spring and began barking out orders. I ain’t seen someone yell like that since Gunny Wright told us to get the hell off the beach at Saipan.”
Since James is being held without bail at an undisclosed Federal facility we were unable to speak with him, but his distraught mother Ellen was able to talk to us. “I just wish all of this had never happened. My mother always told me that accidents happen and that there’s no sense in crying over spilt milk, I had no idea just how right she would be. If only Mr Holder had just accepted Jame’s apology and cleaned off his shoes with the dish towel the staff offered him maybe this could have all been avoided.” she said. After a long pause and a shake of her head she added “He just seemed more interested in assigning blame and giving out punishment than dealing with and finding a solution to the problem at hand.”
After Pilgrimage to Gulf Miracles Performed
A journey that was hindered by many setbacks, including golf outings and fundraisers, is finally over today as the one known as The One arrived on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. Accompanied by his devoted press corp, Barack H. Obama greeted all with warm handshakes and arrogant smirks.
The excitement here has been brewing for weeks, as fervent believers claim to have seen his likeness in the sludge washing up on pristine beaches. No one was disappointed. After an excessively long sermon, Obama performed several wonders.
Stepping gracefully over the brown-capped waves, Obama coolly strolled across the water. Head held usually high, he beckoned to his disciple Gibbs. With a running start, Gibbs made it several feet before looking down and sinking like a stone. Fortunately, the buoyant pudginess of Gibbs caused him to bob back to the surface.
Waiting for several Coast Guard vessels to tow Gibbs back to dry land, Obama performed his second marvel. With a simple gesture he parted the sea, allowing hundreds of migrant Mexicans to skirt Arizona and cross unencumbered into Louisiana.
Obama relinquished his mystical command of the water, drowning only a few stragglers, and returned to shore to feed the multitudes with loaves and fishes. The fish, as it turned out, was not the best of ideas. Horrified eco-activists immediately began slinging the fish back into the Gulf, praying that Obama would restore them to life. Hordes of pelicans descended upon the bounty, but struggled as they landed in the murky water.
Quickly diverting all cameras away from the carnage, Obama performed his final miracle. He turned the water into whine.
Obama awards himself Medal of Courageous Restraint for handling of BP oil spill
President Obama ponders the implications of an environmental disaster before forming a bipartisan committee to ponder it for him.
In what appears to be a much needed pick-me-up in light of continuously sinking poll numbers, President Obama today awarded himself the first official Medal of Courageous Restraint for his valiant inaction in the face of the catastrophic BP oil spill off the coast of Louisiana.
In an intimate ceremony, hastily organized immediately following the President’s first press conference in ten months, Vice President Joe Biden, who just happened to be passing by the oval office at that moment, presented the medal to Mr. Obama. Biden was visibly confused when the medal was first handed to him, as he himself has no military experience to speak of. However, after Mr. Obama explained the situation to Biden through an interpreter, the ceremony continued without a hitch. Biden recited his lines nearly perfectly, earning a little silver star for his efforts.
In prepared remarks, the award dangling around his neck along with his Nobel Peace Prize, Olympic Bobsled Medal and the clock he got from Flava Flav, the President outlined in tedious detail his difficulty avoiding work, particularly over the past month, and tangentially noted that he is now receiving treatment for tendonitis in his blaming finger. As expected, the President thanked his family for keeping him occupied away from the office and also his staff for reaching new levels of incompetence during this environmental travesty that just might trigger the END OF THE WORLD.
Finally, the President acknowledged that he was looking forward to doing equally little in the future and gave a final thanks to his caddy, for “helping me stay focused on more important things.“
D.E.A.T.H. Proclaims Operation Spring Awakening “Total Success”
Phase One of Spring Awakening involved the torpedoing of the South Korean warship Cheonan from the submersible stealth yacht SS Birdshot. Despite shelling from a nearby South Korean Navy vessel, Captain Cheney and the genetically enhanced crew of the Birdshot were able to exit the area and quietly traverse across the Pacific and through the Panama Canal for the second phase of Spring Awakening. It is estimated that the rise in tensions along the Korean DMZ and subsequent arms sales netted DEATH 100 billion USD in profits.Phase Two was the deployment of the Stent-class microsub from the SS Birdshot where Cheney and his crack commando team covertly placed explosives on the South Korean built Deepwater Horizon oil rig. The eleven DEATH operatives already on board were able to disembark and be evacuated to present the appearance of casualties. All of the following goals of Phase Two were met:
1)Rise in worldwide oil prices.
2)Destruction of wildlife in the Gulf area so that DEATH can replace them with cyborg reconnaissance drones.
3)Complete and total humiliation of the Obama administration.
4)Further heightened tensions on the Korean peninsula.
It is estimated that current profits from Phase Two are 150 billion USD and ten chuckles by their leader Cheney.
Phase Three was the seeding of clouds over the Mississippi river basin by the Monsoon Assassin, a Boeing 747 Large Cargo Freighter modified by DEATH subdivision Halliburton. Five sorties by the Monsoon Assassin and ten specially placed explosive charges by Cheney along flood control levees meant that in days large swathes of Metro areas in Tennessee were underwater, taking advantage of numerous no-bid contracts Halliburton has to provide post-diaster emergency services in the state. Because of poor timing by DEATH, profits from this operation were only about 50 billion USD. Cheney reminded his staff that the rise in oil prices after Phase Two and the large fuel consumption of the Assassin showed the need for better communication throughout the organization. He then demonstrated his youthful vigor by fatally throwing a ball point pen through the temple of the person responsible for Phase Three.
Knifework.net has been invited back to the next DEATH Board of Directors meeting, check back for further updates. Or else.