Atkins Nutritionals Wins Bidding War for King Samir Shabazz
King Samir Shabazz, diet guru
Atkins Nutritionals proudly announced today that it has successfully signed King Shamir Shabazz as it’s new spokesperson, winning the much publicized and very heated bidding war with the South Beach Diet Partnership. Currently serving as the head of the Philadelphia chapter of the New Black Panther Party, Shamir is famous for his vehement hatred of carbohydrates in all of their forms, and his thin figure is the envy of overweight suburban males nationwide.
“We could find no one else in the public eye with the same passion for a low-carb diet, save perhaps Twitter celebrity Erika Dorsey,” explained Larry Sonderson, head of advertising for Atkins Nutritionals.
Pssst. It's Erika.
“We eventually eliminated her because of her radical conservative political views that our target audience of middle to upper-class white adults with kids just can’t identify with. Once Shamir was cleared of all charges by Attorney General Eric Holder for supposed voter intimidation we had to jump right on before he was snatched from us,” he added.
The exact amount that Mr. Shabazz is being renumerated for as a spokesperson is a highly guarded secret by Atkins Nutritionals, but almost anything should be a nice increase from the $17,621 dollars that Mr. Shabazz claimed as income on his 2009 Federal taxes.
The text of King Shamir’s latest press release displays the fiery tenacity and single-minded drive that earned him this new contract:
LISTEN UP CRACKAS! I’m here for one purpose, and that’s to KILL CRACKAS! You wanna know why you’re fat? TOO MANY CRACKAS! I don’t care how many crackas I have to kill, I don’t even care if I have to kill some cracka babies. Speaking of babies, have you seen that cracka Jason Alexander? He looks like a fat cracka baby! Why are you speaking for Jenny Craig fat boy? I’m coming for you chubby cracka boy, you and that busted ass donut chomping hoochie Sara Rue. There’s only one diet for a black man, and that’s the Atkin’s diet. You don’t see my skinny ass walking down the street with a cracka in each hand, do you?
Ever since the announcement, critics have been quick to point out that Atkins Nutritionals still hasn’t recovered from it’s 2005 bankruptcy filing and that people don’t have the disposable income to eat a high protein diet in the current economy. Barry Sears of The Zone Diet even pointed out via email that “If you look closely at Shamir he has a big gut, he just hides it with all of that black clothing. I think this is just an attempt to steal the thunder from the Kwanzaa Bar® that I’m launching later on this year.”
Knifework.net promises to keep you informed on all developments with the new ad campaign and to never attempt to vote again.
Michelle Obama Undertakes Bold Campaign Against Obesity, Encounters Uphill Battle
Michelle Obama is actively trying to convince Americans to get a handle on overweight children, but remains unable to wrap her arms around her husband’s overblown ego.
You're going to eat your vegetables, asshole.
“It is very trying,” the First Lady tells Knifework News. “His obese psyche is really getting out of control. I have tried to put Barack on a healthy diet of economic reports, Gitmo prisoner lists and derailed healthcare legislation, but all he ever wants to eat are the polling data Rahm brings over.”
Other foods that are a favorite of the President include pork, small businesses and taxpayer money.
Mrs. Obama has good cause to worry. Corpulent Ego is a very dire condition that can lead to, among other things, a one-term presidency and an ill-advised sex tape.
“Oh, God!,” exclaimed Mrs. Obama. “Sometimes I think Barry is even worse than John Edwards!”
The First Lady relayed to us that her husband-in-chief once got his head stuck in the bathroom door. According to her, he had stood in front of the mirror for around two hours “practicing that self-righteous smirk of his.” It required 8 Secret Service agents and a carpenter to free him.
The President’s giant ego is understandably taking a toll on the family. At one point during our interview, Mrs. Obama buried her face in her hands and burst into tears.
“Millions of children suffer from obesity,” she said between ragged sobs. “But every single person on the planet is suffering because of my husband’s fat head.”