Obama Still Refusing To Release Death Photo
Tragedy struck the White House Thursday when Che, the goldfish of President Obama’s daughter Sasha, was reportedly found floating on its side at the top of it’s bowl by Secret Service during a routine security sweep. The official story from the White House is that Che perished from an untreated case of Chilodonella. Dr. Ezekiel Emanual, resident White House veterinarian stated that Che was denied care for his disease because he had already fulfilled the maximum happiness quotient he could provide calculated via the CLSFP, or Complete Lives System For Pets. Dr. Emanual went further and said that Che would been euthanized in the next two months anyway, since in his old age all he did was “just float there”.
Conspiracy theorists on the internet have been slow to accept this story since rumors have long been running rampant that rogue Secret Service agents exist within the White House protection team. Adding fuel to the fire was a tweet from one @WHprotectiondude53 which stated “Just shot Rosebud’s fish, he jumped right out at me.” Although screenshots of the tweet exist, the account was closed shortly afterward.
The conspiracy theorists, who have been deemed “Fishers” by the media, are demanding that the White House release the photos that are known to have been taken of Che floating at the top of the fish bowl. They state that without seeing for themselves the signs of Chilodonella, such as clamped fins and a light-blue skin tone, there is no way to know for sure if that’s what really killed him, especially since Che, in accordance with traditional goldfish custom, was flushed down the toilet minutes later by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, widely known to be the least squeamish person in the White House.
Worse yet, pictures purported to be of Che with a fatal gunshot wound to the torso have already surfaced on the internet:
The Obama administration refuses to release photo of the dead Che because they claim doing so would offend known terrorist groups inside the United States, such as PETA and the Animal Liberation Front. “We don’t want anymore unwashed hippies getting naked in public parks and causing commotion over one photo, I think. I would also like a donut and a teddy bear and did you know what there are three people wearing red shirts in this room?” said White House spokesman Jay Carney.
Fisher activist Donald Trump has vowed to fight for access to the photo, even filing a FOIA request this afternoon and stating “It’s vitally important to the integrity of this country and it’s constitution that we find out whether or not this goldfish died of natural causes or if it was brutally assassinated by black-op government hit squad.”
Knifework.net promises to keep you abreast of this breaking story as long as we can remain above water.
Nobel Committee to Strip Obama of Prize
Oslo (KW) – The Nobel Prize Committee of Five has announced that it is requesting the return of the Peace Prize it awarded US President Barack Obama in 2009. The committee made the rare decision based on what it called “atrocious and grievous violations” involved in tournament selections. Continue reading
Obama Declares Jihad on Economy
Facing difficulties retaining qualified personnel for his economic team, President Barack Hussein Obama today declared he was taking personal control over all economic decisions emanating from the White House.
“As I have stated before, Islam has always been part of America and American Muslims have made extraordinary contributions to our country. However it is my belief that we have not made proper use of the financial beliefs of Islam in dealing with our current economic crisis. Although I am not a Muslim, I can proudly say that today I am declaring Jihad on this crippled economy that I inherited.” said President Obama in a speech from the White House Rose Garden.
President Obama said that the provisions of Executive Order 13528 should provide a “firm and vigorous boost” to the US economy nearly immediately. ”The spirit of Islamic finance is to promote social justice by banning exploitative practices, something I have always striven to achieve. Effective immediately it is now illegal to collect interest in the United States, invest in the stocks of any so-called “public” corporations, or produce pornography or pork products. Islam is a belief that’s based on submission, dedication and humbleness, instead of the evil motive of profit that has created our current debacle.” said Obama.
Other contentious regulations in the Executive Order include the penalty of stoning for initiating foreclosure against a homeowner, the banning of Fractional-reserve banking, and the appointment of Rashad Hussain as the head of the new ZJA (Zakat and Jizya Agency), replacing the old IRS.
Economists say that a immediate ten to twenty thousand fold depletion in the available money supply will have a crushing effect on inflation, however it will reward those who have profited from interest on accumulated savings, a forbidden practice in Islam. Hence all 401k accounts will be immediately confiscated and placed in government receivership under EO 13528. Chris Kuehl, Managing Director for Armada Corporate Intelligence told Knifework.net that this was justified because as it is stated in the Quran “O you who believe! Lo! many of the rabbis and the monks devour the wealth of mankind wantonly and debar men from the way of Allah. They who hoard up gold and silver and spend it not in the way of God, unto them give tidings (O Muhammad) of a painful doom” (Quran 9:34), Insha Allah!
Economic benefits were immediately noticed after the speech, when foreign investment in United States real estate increased dramatically. We at Knifework.net wish President Obama, peace be upon him, all the luck in his latest endeavor.
President Obama to Sign Executive Order Regulating Dictionary Industry
"What is the definition of is, anyway?"
Obama recently announced a new piece of legislation, that will force organizations such as Merriam-Webster and Dictionary.com to comply with strict regulations, as mandated by the federal government. The bill is expected to go into effect by the end of next week.
President Obama held a press conference, detailing this new piece of legislation.
“It has not escaped my attention that there has been some confusion over things I’ve said in the past. In order to prevent such confusion in the future, it is imperative that the government take action.”
“No one can argue that the dictionary industry is broken. Words like transparency, success, economist, leader, unexpected, mandate.. They all have constantly changing meanings, depending on what I want them to mean at the very moment I say them. It’s much too confusing for the average American, who is not nearly as intelligent as I. It’s time we regulate the dictionary industry, so that the definitions of words coincide with what I want them to mean.”
The primary point in the bill mandates that dictionary companies keep up to date definitions of any words that come out of President Obama’s mouth. A ‘definition czar’ is expected to be appointed shortly. If the Definition Czar is unclear on what Obama means by a certain word, the definition will simply read ‘TBD’, pending further clarification.
In the future, words will be defined in electronic format only, due their ever changing meanings. As a result, all physical dictionaries will be sought out and destroyed.
In order to make this new legislation successful, everyone will be required to purchase an iPad, on which the Obamanary app must be installed. Failure to purchase will result in jail time and fine of up to $2,500. If you already own an iPad, you are clearly rich, and will be required to purchase one for someone less fortunate (and please, no complaints about their brand new SUV – they need a vehicle roomy enough to fit all their children). The Obamanary app should be referred to any time President Obama says anything, ever.
The need for such regulation is great, according to Obama, who has been taken to task recently, due to unfair misinterpretation of words he has used, such as ‘transparency’ and ‘bipartisan’.
“With the election of 2008 came a new age of enlightenment – one where words certainly have meaning, but perhaps not the meaning you think they have, or the meaning they have always had in the past.. or even the meaning they have today. Let’s face it, the definitions of words are constantly evolving, depending on the motives of myself and my administration. Because of this, I think we can all agree that dictionary reform is necessary.”
President Obama ended the press conference with this sobering reminder:
“If I’m being honest, the fate of our country depends on everyone being perfectly clear on the meaning of the words that come out of my mouth, and, more specifically, their meaning at that exact moment, as all definitions are subject to change at my discretion. It’s the only way our great nation will survive.”
*Please refer to the Obamanary for new definitions of honest, great, and survive.
Ask Amy: The Opinion
Dear Amy,
I’m writing to you on the recommendation of a friend. After doing a little research and discovering you weren’t Jewish, I decided to take her advice.
I was ambushed a couple of weeks ago by an evil rabbi who asked me what I thought of the Israel / Palestine conflict. I told him I believed the Jews should leave Palestine and go back to Germany and Poland where they belong – I was even nice about it!
Apparently, though, the people in this country are really uptight. I offer one tiny opinion, a few right wingers complain about it, and suddenly I’m out of the job I’ve held for decades. The White House even said I was wrong! Can you believe such persecution exists in the world?
Now people are saying I’m anti-Semitic, which is absolutely not true. Just because I don’t like Jewish people doesn’t mean I’m against them – as long as they live where I tell them to live and don’t talk to or try to approach me, we’ll get along just fine.
Anyway, can you help me understand what was so wrong about what I said?
Thanks for your help,
Helen T.
Dear Helen,
You’re absolutely correct that people can be unreasonable. It’s not like you said something truly offensive, like ‘abortion shouldn’t be legal’. You merely stated an opinion that is shared by much of the world.
I mean really, it would be different if the Jews had occupied the area for thousands of years. But since they totally haven’t, the logical choice for their relocation is Poland or Germany. Why would anyone be offended at being told to move to Germany, what with its delicious beer and rich history?
You must realize that some people are simply looking for reasons to be offended- you can’t go your entire life worrying about such things. Just remember that, in the end, the truly intelligent people see nothing wrong in what you said.
However, I’m not surprised by the White House’s condemnation of your statement. The current administration has worked extremely hard to forge a close relationship with Israel, after all. Besides, President Obama is well known for his diplomacy when it comes to foreign affairs. He would never do anything that might upset another country.
The real shame is that you had to give up your beloved job over these remarks. You were the epitome of what a journalist should be – truly one of the only unbiased reporters left in all of media.
Look on the bright side, though – now that you have all this free time, maybe you can do something really fun with your life. Why, I bet there’s an old house in the woods with your name on it – complete with an oven the perfect size for roasting small children!
Try to enjoy your retirement – and if I find any kids wandering about, I’ll be sure and send them your way!
Good luck,
Amy
Ask Amy: The Press Secretary
Dear Amy,
I work hard in what can only be described as a thankless job.. or is it thinkless? Well, either way, nobody ever gives me the respect I deserve!
Acting as the liaison between POTUS and the media might sound glamorous, but I’m here to tell you – it stinks! Reporters ask me really hard questions (they’re such meanies!), and even though I’m always one hundred percent open and honest in my responses, people constantly question my ‘morals’ and my ‘ethics’.
To top it off, nasty Republicans are making fun of me on Twitter now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at hiding my contempt for them, right?
Anyway, please help me- I know you’ll be able to because you’re the smartest, prettiest, most awesomest answer lady in the whole wide world!!
Sincerely,
Robert Gibbs
Dear Gibbs-
First of all, do you mind if I call you Gibsy? I don’t want to confuse you with my favorite television character.
Second of all, Gibsy, can it with the flattery! I don’t need constant affirmation.. The only people who require such unwarranted praise and affection are those who are narcissistic, self righteous, and possibly a bit sociopathic. That’s not to insinuate that you know, or work directly under, someone who possesses such qualities.
Now, your first order of business is to invest in a dictionary because I don’t think the word ‘honest’ means what you think it means. Also, I realize you operate in the real world, where anti-immigration laws are totally unfair and the Constitution is more of a loose guide than anything else, but there are some who live in a fantasy world and believe government shouldn’t control every single aspect of life. Crazy, huh? So if you want to reach out to these nutjobs, you’re going to have to lower yourself to their level – or, at the very least, fake it. I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of faking it, right?
I would also suggest you jot down a list of possible questions before your next press conference and practice answering them. While such non-responses as ‘uhhhhhh’ and ‘It’s George W. Bush’s fault, duh!’ are perfectly acceptable to the MSM, they should occasionally be interspersed with more thoughtful, in depth answers. Keep those reporters on their toes!
I know it must be difficult working with a media who is so vehemently opposed to the Obama administration, but I think if you follow my advice, you’ll be able to make strides in repairing the rift in your relationship with those unrelenting reporters. If you can win over the media, the rest of the country is sure to follow, due to the high regard in which we hold our journalists (shout out Joe McGinniss!!). Maybe everyone will even stop laughing at you one day.. Hey, anything’s possible!
I’m sure your job is super duper hard, and being grossly underqualified probably doesn’t help, but hopefully my advice will make it a bit easier for you.
And Gibsy, if nothing else, remember this – your mommy will always love you, just like she told you last night when she tucked you into bed.
Your pal,
Amy
D.E.A.T.H. Proclaims Operation Spring Awakening “Total Success”
Phase One of Spring Awakening involved the torpedoing of the South Korean warship Cheonan from the submersible stealth yacht SS Birdshot. Despite shelling from a nearby South Korean Navy vessel, Captain Cheney and the genetically enhanced crew of the Birdshot were able to exit the area and quietly traverse across the Pacific and through the Panama Canal for the second phase of Spring Awakening. It is estimated that the rise in tensions along the Korean DMZ and subsequent arms sales netted DEATH 100 billion USD in profits.Phase Two was the deployment of the Stent-class microsub from the SS Birdshot where Cheney and his crack commando team covertly placed explosives on the South Korean built Deepwater Horizon oil rig. The eleven DEATH operatives already on board were able to disembark and be evacuated to present the appearance of casualties. All of the following goals of Phase Two were met:
1)Rise in worldwide oil prices.
2)Destruction of wildlife in the Gulf area so that DEATH can replace them with cyborg reconnaissance drones.
3)Complete and total humiliation of the Obama administration.
4)Further heightened tensions on the Korean peninsula.
It is estimated that current profits from Phase Two are 150 billion USD and ten chuckles by their leader Cheney.
Phase Three was the seeding of clouds over the Mississippi river basin by the Monsoon Assassin, a Boeing 747 Large Cargo Freighter modified by DEATH subdivision Halliburton. Five sorties by the Monsoon Assassin and ten specially placed explosive charges by Cheney along flood control levees meant that in days large swathes of Metro areas in Tennessee were underwater, taking advantage of numerous no-bid contracts Halliburton has to provide post-diaster emergency services in the state. Because of poor timing by DEATH, profits from this operation were only about 50 billion USD. Cheney reminded his staff that the rise in oil prices after Phase Two and the large fuel consumption of the Assassin showed the need for better communication throughout the organization. He then demonstrated his youthful vigor by fatally throwing a ball point pen through the temple of the person responsible for Phase Three.
Knifework.net has been invited back to the next DEATH Board of Directors meeting, check back for further updates. Or else.
Statement by the Embassy of Mexico
It is with great pride in the efforts of the Obama Administration to right-size American sovereignty that we at Knifework forward to you our translation of the following memorandum:
Statement by the Embassy of Mexico
Washington D.C, May 25th, 2010
Regarding the Administration’s decision to send 1,200 National Guard servicemen to the US Southern border, the Government of Mexico trusts that this decision will help to channel additional US resources to enhance efforts to export criminals from Mexico, which is necessary if the effort to expand Mexico is to succeed.
Additionally, the Government of Mexico expects to be given the promised notice in writing of troop movements, including the date and time of the movement and the names and home addresses of the servicemen involved. This notice will strengthen US operations in the fight against a national will to exist that lingers on both sides of our common border.
Mexico is determined to continue working throughout our shared territory to organize our communities, and to obscure and dissemble about the profitable criminal export trade.
As part of our joint strategy in the fight against the horrors of a national will to exist, there are actions that our two governments have undertaken together, and there are other measures taken independently by Mexico and by the US within our shared territory. In this regard, the Mexican Government expects better warning over the rash overreactions of the US Government, and underscores that joint responsibility must continue to underpin our joint efforts in rolling-back the holdouts of national sentiment operating on both sides of the border.
Subir
Embajada de Mexico en Estados Unidos de America
1911 Pennsylvania AV, NW, Washington D.C. 20006
Tel: (202) 728 1600
Knifework Tech Review: The iSlam
Risking raids on our homes and offices (alright, it’s the same thing), knifework.net has been able to get our hands on the brand new portable device set to take the world by storm. We are talking, of course, about the iSlam.
Prototype of the new iSlam handheld.
Sporting a sleek, compact design the iSlam fits easily in any Taliban-issue suicide belt. It is guaranteed to prove to all your hipster friends how tolerant and politically correct you are. But is the iSlam more than just a pretty face? Let’s open the cover and look inside.
The iSlam comes pre-loaded with the will of Allah, as told by the prophet Muhammad. It boasts tens of apps that will aid you with whatever you need to carry out massacres of western devils. You can access the internet and search for the latest call to violence from your favorite Iman, or find out just what size shoe you need to conceal an infidel-killing IED. Utilizing the latest in IRC technology, you can communicate with allahwarrior1564 and hopefully gain entry into an al Qaeda training tent. You can even use your iSlam to book flights on Emirates Airlines.
The onboard memory and spotty WiFi connectivity leave something to be desired, as does the thought of having to blow yourself up with a homemade box of marbles and fertilizer. However, the iSlam promises to provide you with not one, but seventy-two (count ‘em!) virgins with every self detonation. Throw in the 4mp camera and bluetooth capability, and the iSlam makes a very attractive handheld, despite costing an arm and a leg…and another arm and leg, plus head, etc.
Being a largely political publication, we sent the iSlam around to some recent newsmakers. The responses were undeniably positive.
Michael Bloomberg, billionaire Mayor of New York City, instantly saw the money making potential of the iSlam. “This is just the sort of thing that will appeal to the average American. You know, the people upset over the health care bill.”
Attorney General Eric Holder was so awestruck over the iSlam that he couldn’t even pronounce the name.
We also sent one to President Barack Obama, but he could not be reached for comment as he continues to avoid direct questions. According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, Mr. Obama has been playing lots of Tetris on the iSlam since he went on a sleeping strike to protest the oil in the Gulf of Mexico.
All in all, we think the iSlam is the go-to device for anyone wanting to bring damnation to the infidel or simply run-of-the-mill destruction to the White Satan. Still not convinced? Check out the promotional video below:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vgoQcXjQJg]
Hasbro Unveils “Steele Trap”
RNC Chairman Michael Steele
Today Hasbro unveiled it’s latest children’s board game, Steele Trap. It’s a fun and frolicking political romp that is sure to entertain children ages 8-13 as they learn about the crazy world of United States politics.
Steele Trap has the players compete to see who can fill up their bus with voters first and deliver it to the polling station intact. Along the way children navigate obstacles like the SEIU Roadblock, Pelosi Plastic Surgery Clinic, and the Lindsey Graham border crossing. Each turn the player spins a wheel and can either end up moving forward 2-4 spaces, drawing a “principle” card, drawing a “pander” card, or having to endure the dreaded “Steele Trap”!
Children playing the new game.
Every time a player moves their bus through the neighborhood they can pick up a voter if the space they land on is a street corner, vocational school, rehab center, or methadone clinic. If they spin and have to draw a “principal” card, something bad might happen, like having to stop to help an old lady and getting the tires on their bus slashed (move back three spaces)! If they spin and draw a “pander” card, they could end up with a handy item like a pack of cigarettes or a $20 bill to help pick up extra voters.
Worst of all is spinning and having the arrow land on the “Steele Trap”. When that happens you press the button on the included mini-bust of Michael Steele and he busts out a wacky phrase:
“You’re a Republican, all black voters off the bus!”
“No one votes for smaller government, lose two voters!”
“Lobbyists just took away your handouts, move back two spaces!”
“No one has a reason to vote for you, lose all voters!”
Michael Steele just told this child she's white.
Estimated playing time is 1-2 hours and children should require no more than one session of therapy for each three times they play the game.
Steele Trap is available now at all major retail locations for $30, $20 if you can prove minority ancestry. Knifework.net is currently awaiting a copy so we can post the reviews of actual children after cultural programming playtesting.
President Obama: A Man Who Believes in Capitalism
President Barack Obama admitted belief in the free market last week, drawing a fierce response from free market deniers.
“The science is settled on this!” screamed EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson, clarifying the President’s statement. Taking a moment to collect herself , she admitted, “Alright, a consensus of scientists does now believe that a free market exists, but most are convinced man is the cause of it.”
Revealing a graph that looked sort of like a hockey stick, but not really, she proved beyond her own doubt that the implementation of capitalism rose exponentially as mankind evolved from some sort of imaginary primordial goop.
Scientific documentary on the origins of man.
- “Look,” continued Jackson. “Animals share. When dinosaurs roamed the earth, the tyrannosaurus and the triceratops lived in harmony. When the gazelle is hungry, the noble lion invites it to dinner. Only the human species, with one exception, is so bloodthirsty as to invent such a vile thing as Wall St.”
Asked what the exception was, Jackson referenced the peaceful Native American Apache.
The White House was quick to respond to the outcry. Chief of Staff and legendary Jewish Mobster, Rahm Emanuel issued a terse press release, “Just because the President may or may not believe in a so-called ‘free market’ does not mean he has plans to actually support it. If any of you scum-sucking reporters dares to ask him how that can be, I’ll just input FALSE CHOICE into the teleprompter.”
President Appoints Deficit Commission
Fighting hard against stagnation in the Federal budget deficit, President Obama has commissioned a blue-ribbon panel to recommend ways a commission could study some recommendations for raising taxes.
“Let me be clear: this commission I’m commissioning is not about me,” Mr. Obama said, surprising the audience with his candor. “I take no joy in being forced by the mess I inherited to take this step. But when I came into office at the beginning of my presidency, the deficit was far below the level all economists I talk to recommended to me. I’ve worked hard to get it above $1 trillion.”
“Additional growth in the deficit,” Mr. Obama continued, “is essential to continue the government recovery that stalled under my predecessor.”
It had been rumored that Mr. Obama would denounce the deficit. But in his hourly Youtube address, Mr. Obama made it clear that he could no more do that than ignore his so-called brother in Kenya, disown Reverend Jeremiah Wright whom he’s never actually met, or posture hypocritically about the long term effects of wild spending increases.
If I can't get my face on there...
The president may have been responding to the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office, which forecast that the deficit could shrink below $1 trillion by 2028.
In high-level meetings with the president, CBO budget analysts patiently explained that the forecasts assumed interest rates would stay low. Several pasty-faced, eye-glazed CBO staffers present at the meetings noted that if interest rates go higher, there is a good chance that $1 trillion deficits would seem tiny. As one White House staffer put it, “It’s vital that we allow the deficits to go down after we’re out of office, so that the President’s legacy as the greatest spender of all time is assured. Still, it’s not about the president’s legacy, but getting government back on its feet.”
Tax expert Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner suspects that public fear of economic recovery is getting in the way of government growth. “If you look at some of our Quickbooks projections, it’s clear that the economy can still support more government, even without a crisis. But the public is worried that they’ll have to go back to work soon. We need to raise taxes to take that anxiety off the table.”
An assistant to the press secretary, a blond woman of medium height who lives at 1303 Wilshire Place in Georgetown, revealed off the record that Mr. Obama demanded to know how the deficit could be kept above $1 trillion. While it was clearly not about him, he had to preserve his legacy and insure government growth. The aide gushed that Obama gestured forcefully before he stated that if the deficit falls below $1 trillion, there’s a chance government would be unable to keep rampant economic activity in check.
But Mr. Obama’s legacy is secure, according to Geithner. “No future president will be able to afford this kind of expansion, so his place in history is assured.”