Dear Amy,

I work hard in what can only be described as a thankless job.. or is it thinkless? Well, either way, nobody ever gives me the respect I deserve!

Acting as the liaison between POTUS and the media might sound glamorous, but I’m here to tell you – it stinks! Reporters ask me really hard questions (they’re such meanies!), and even though I’m always one hundred percent open and honest in my responses, people constantly question my ‘morals’ and my ‘ethics’.

To top it off, nasty Republicans are making fun of me on Twitter now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at hiding my contempt for them, right?

Anyway, please help me- I know you’ll be able to because you’re the smartest, prettiest, most awesomest answer lady in the whole wide world!!

Sincerely,

Robert Gibbs

Dear Gibbs-

First of all, do you mind if I call you Gibsy? I don’t want to confuse you with my favorite television character.

Second of all, Gibsy, can it with the flattery!  I don’t need constant affirmation.. The only people who require such unwarranted praise and affection are those who are narcissistic, self righteous, and possibly a bit sociopathic. That’s not to insinuate that you know, or work directly under, someone who possesses such qualities.

Now, your first order of business is to invest in a dictionary because I don’t think the word ‘honest’ means what you think it means.  Also, I realize you operate in the real world, where anti-immigration laws are totally unfair and the Constitution is more of a loose guide than anything else, but there are some who live in a fantasy world and believe government shouldn’t control every single aspect of life.  Crazy, huh?  So if you want to reach out to these nutjobs, you’re going to have to lower yourself to their level – or, at the very least, fake it.  I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of faking it, right?

I would also suggest you jot down a list of possible questions before your next press conference and practice answering them.  While such non-responses as ‘uhhhhhh’ and ‘It’s George W. Bush’s fault, duh!’ are perfectly acceptable to the MSM, they should occasionally be interspersed with more thoughtful, in depth answers.  Keep those reporters on their toes!

I know it must be difficult working with a media who is so vehemently opposed to the Obama administration, but I think if you follow my advice, you’ll be able to make strides in repairing the rift in your relationship with those unrelenting reporters. If you can win over the media, the rest of the country is sure to follow, due to the high regard in which we hold our journalists (shout out Joe McGinniss!!).  Maybe everyone will even stop laughing at you one day.. Hey, anything’s possible!

I’m sure your job is super duper hard, and being grossly underqualified probably doesn’t help, but hopefully my advice will make it a bit easier for you.

And Gibsy, if nothing else, remember this – your mommy will always love you, just like she told you last night when she tucked you into bed.

Your pal,

Amy