With increased price pressure, bakeries in Illinois have begun shipping lighter and lighter loaves. Some have altered their procedures for slicing loaves of bread, even eliminating the expensive and hazardous slicing procedure altogether.
“The size of loaves has become too small to slice,” said Hugh G. Grist, production manager at Mercury Food Products, a bakery and compact fluorescent light bulb factory in Samsonite, Illinois. “It’s a safety issue, really.”
Democrats are planning to give First Lady Michelle “Antoinette” Obama a plus-sized role in the fall campaign season. After sitting in on a European vacation seminar in Spain, First Lady Michelle “Antoinette” Obama will return to America to lead by example in the vital area of GOTV – Gorging On The Vacation.
The Obamas have several vacation stays planned in the U.S., as well. Yet Politico reports that despite her frenzied pace, Mrs. Obama will still find time to campaign to keep her man in power.
Some analysts were skeptical that Michelle “Antoinette” Obama could really deliver the Republican House majority her husband needs for his 2012 campaign. But according to lifelong Democrat and Obama strategist Harry Mauler, “We need a big presence in the Congressional races — and no one is bigger than M.A.O.”
“There are still some Republicans and Independents — mostly CBS viewers — who don’t get the news and have not been alienated by the President’s handling of the economy, health care, the military, the Gulf oil spill, and taxes,” Mauler intimated. She’s going to finish the job.”
One of the most important lessons learned by the woman behind the President is that ordinary people have to carefully watch their travel budget.
In Spain Obama saw first hand the troubles facing desk clerks, waiters, massage therapists, pastry chefs, and other young men. Her heart was moved, according to sources, who denied rumors that she spent hours consoling each of them in her suite, often two or three at once. Aides noted that “there is plenty of Michelle to go around.”
Things may be somewhat different for planned vacation stays on the Gulf Coast and at Martha’s Vineyard. “But there will still be golf outings for the President, a perfect time for her to sample the local talent.”
In an apparent attempt to appeal to the overwhelmed house-husbands of America, President Barack Obama openly defied his doctor’s orders Tuesday by eating at an infamous southern restaurant, telling reporters, “I don’t want any lectures about my cholesterol. Don’t tell Michelle.”
The President’s numbers have been in rapid decline ever since becoming President, and he is desperate to find bright spots among likely voters. It seems the demographic he identifies with the most is men aged eighteen to eighty trapped in marriages with overbearing women.
Could the President be taking the advice of leading Republicans to heart? When asked if Obama was trying to boost his numbers one demographic at a time instead of with a broad, sweeping outreach to the entire nation, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said simply, “Don’t tell Mitch McConnell.”
Michelle Obama is actively trying to convince Americans to get a handle on overweight children, but remains unable to wrap her arms around her husband’s overblown ego.
“It is very trying,” the First Lady tells Knifework News. “His obese psyche is really getting out of control. I have tried to put Barack on a healthy diet of economic reports, Gitmo prisoner lists and derailed healthcare legislation, but all he ever wants to eat are the polling data Rahm brings over.”
Other foods that are a favorite of the President include pork, small businesses and taxpayer money.
“Oh, God!,” exclaimed Mrs. Obama. “Sometimes I think Barry is even worse than John Edwards!”
The First Lady relayed to us that her husband-in-chief once got his head stuck in the bathroom door. According to her, he had stood in front of the mirror for around two hours “practicing that self-righteous smirk of his.” It required 8 Secret Service agents and a carpenter to free him.
The President’s giant ego is understandably taking a toll on the family. At one point during our interview, Mrs. Obama buried her face in her hands and burst into tears.
“Millions of children suffer from obesity,” she said between ragged sobs. “But every single person on the planet is suffering because of my husband’s fat head.”