Tragedy struck the White House Thursday when Che, the goldfish of President Obama’s daughter Sasha, was reportedly found floating on its side at the top of it’s bowl by Secret Service during a routine security sweep. The official story from the White House is that Che perished from an untreated case of Chilodonella. Dr. Ezekiel Emanual, resident White House veterinarian stated that Che was denied care for his disease because he had already fulfilled the maximum happiness quotient he could provide calculated via the CLSFP, or Complete Lives System For Pets. Dr. Emanual went further and said that Che would been euthanized in the next two months anyway, since in his old age all he did was “just float there”.
Conspiracy theorists on the internet have been slow to accept this story since rumors have long been running rampant that rogue Secret Service agents exist within the White House protection team. Adding fuel to the fire was a tweet from one @WHprotectiondude53 which stated “Just shot Rosebud’s fish, he jumped right out at me.” Although screenshots of the tweet exist, the account was closed shortly afterward.
The conspiracy theorists, who have been deemed “Fishers” by the media, are demanding that the White House release the photos that are known to have been taken of Che floating at the top of the fish bowl. They state that without seeing for themselves the signs of Chilodonella, such as clamped fins and a light-blue skin tone, there is no way to know for sure if that’s what really killed him, especially since Che, in accordance with traditional goldfish custom, was flushed down the toilet minutes later by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, widely known to be the least squeamish person in the White House.
Worse yet, pictures purported to be of Che with a fatal gunshot wound to the torso have already surfaced on the internet:
The Obama administration refuses to release photo of the dead Che because they claim doing so would offend known terrorist groups inside the United States, such as PETA and the Animal Liberation Front. “We don’t want anymore unwashed hippies getting naked in public parks and causing commotion over one photo, I think. I would also like a donut and a teddy bear and did you know what there are three people wearing red shirts in this room?” said White House spokesman Jay Carney.
Fisher activist Donald Trump has vowed to fight for access to the photo, even filing a FOIA request this afternoon and stating “It’s vitally important to the integrity of this country and it’s constitution that we find out whether or not this goldfish died of natural causes or if it was brutally assassinated by black-op government hit squad.”
Knifework.net promises to keep you abreast of this breaking story as long as we can remain above water.
Progressive rule has been, by all White House accounts, a resounding success. Despite this, Democrats are bracing for a very unforgiving election this November.
How can this be, many in the party are asking themselves. The answer is simple. They just can not shake the stigma that the left is made up predominantly of rapists.
But is this, as many Democrats protest, nothing but an evil smear unfairly attached to them by the owner of this website? Absolutely not. This falls under the category of Baseless Attacks. When one consults the Rulebook, they find that these are deemed to be completely acceptable.
As such, I am under no obligation to prove the undeniable truth that the vast majority of Democrats harbor rapist tendencies, but I will present some hard evidence anyway. And I challenge, no defy, anyone who disagrees to prove that Democrats are not past, present or perhaps future rapists.
An exhaustive study conducted by Rape Relations in America, a not-for-profit research center that I made up five minutes ago for the express purpose of backing up my accusation, concluded that 99.9% of Democrats have never apologized for being a rapist.
This in itself is very disturbing.
Furthermore, as I revealed in a public statement last night, attendees of a Coffee Party rally groped me as I walked through the crowd. Several times they called me a “cracker” and a “grade-A piece of meat.” Even though there were dozens of TV news cameras in the immediate vicinity, there is unfortunately no video evidence of this event. However, this guy irrefutably substantiates my claim:
Beyond my own personal experiences, any rational human being will tell you that just speaking with a registered Democrat will convince you that they are probably a rapist at heart. Their tones and patterns of speech reveal a darkness that simply can not be denied. Listen as they contemptuously rant about Sarah Palin. Why? Because they disagree with her political ideology? Preposterous! The only logical conclusion is that they disparage and objectify her for being a woman, the hallmark of any true rapist.
But does this rapism go beyond the party faithful, all the way up into the highest levels of Democratic leadership? I submit that it very well could. And therefore does.
Recently, the longest serving member of Congress passed away. Senator Robert Byrd was a former and repentant racist (not rapist, but who knows?). Who could say whether or not the longest currently-serving Congressman, John Dingell, Jr., has ever raped or is capable of rape? In fact, I would say that every sitting Democratic politician is at the very least capable of rape. Except for maybe the frail and spindly Henry Waxman.
As Scott Johnson, self-professed expert on pretty much everything tells me, “To my knowledge, no Democrat has ever condemned the rapes we all know they have committed.”
Investigating this claim, I called my Senator’s office at 2:25 pm. I asked to speak with Kay Hagan (D-NC) and was told she was not in the office. I then related to the staffer the contents of this story and asked if Senator Hagan was prepared to officially denounce, repudiate and condemn the rampant rapism within the Democratic party. I was immediately hung up on.
Make of that what you will.
In a shocking speech this afternoon, President Barack Obama announced that his stance on illegal immigration and the status of non-citizens in this country had reversed and “that he had no idea what he was thinking before.” According to his statement the following changes by the Federal Government take effect immediately:
- Formation of a 500,000 person strong national internal security force with a budget of some $800 billion a year. This police force will be granted unlimited power to comb through personal and business records nationwide to ascertain the legal status of every individual and ensure that they are in full compliance with their obligations as citizens of the United States.
- Construction of a 85 foot high, 10 foot thick concrete wall across the entire southern border of the United States. The initial contractor will be Modern Continental Corporation of Cambridge, MA. The vast experience they gained helping Boston’s “Big Dig” come in on time and under budget will be valuable according to Obama.
- Construction of 50 “Transition Camps” across the United States. Initial reports are that most of these camps will be based in the Midwest and the state of Arizona. The camps will be able to hold up to 100 million individuals for an extended period of time and are strategically located so that detainees will be able to volunteer on nearby “shovel ready” public projects.
- Appointment of Wolfgang Schwanitz as the new “Verification of Citizenship Czar”.
While initially confused by the about-face, pundits quickly saw the logic behind Obama’s change of heart. MSNBC’s Dave Weigel was quick to point out that Obama has stolen the issue of immigration from conservatives and traded the iffy votes of illegal aliens for the most reliable of liberal voters: easily directed and controlled government workers.
Knifework.net promises to keep you informed and updated on all new developments with this breaking story, just as soon as we make sure we have a current copy of our birth certificate nearby.
In an age where we feel the need to classify everyone and everything, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is refreshingly different.
Thurgood Marshall was the first black Supreme Court Justice. Clarence Thomas was the second, although he doesn’t really count since he was nominated by a Republican. Sonia Sotomayor was the first wise Latina female Justice to ever grow up in the Bronx with a somewhat uncomfortable childhood.
Elena Kagan has proven to be none of these things. A genderless, forgettable, vapid blob of nothingness, Kagan’s eventual confirmation may end the Democrats’ lengthy tradition of elevating people based solely on their race, gender, creed, fashion sense, past campaign contributions, legal status, etc.
“To be completely honest for a change, I don’t know what Kagan is,” said an annoyed Arlen Specter (D-Penn). “Be it man, woman, or some kind of beast-hybrid, it certainly doesn’t seem to have a substantive thought in its head.”
While some were hoping President Obama would nominate a Justice to exclusively represent a specific segment of the population, Kagan is quickly becoming a champion to those that just do not matter anymore – like Rosie O’Donnell, Michael Moore, John Edwards and anyone who has ever won American Idol.
As Kagan’s confirmation hearing draws to a close, and we learn less and less about this individual, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that our next Supreme Court Justice will not be an artificially-pigmented transsexual banjo player from the upper Midwest.
Regardless of what it actually turns out to be.
Following his death this morning, Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) released a statement assuring his constituents that he would continue to work on their behalf from beyond the grave.
“Not even the Grim Reaper will keep me from funneling billions in federal tax dollars to my home state,” the respected former Klan member wrote in blood on a bathroom mirror. ”Besides, I still haven’t finished filibustering the Civil Rights Act.”
The oldest member of congress and longest-serving senator in history, Byrd will continue his stint as an apparition. While some are disconcerted watching him float across the senate chamber, many of his colleagues are glad he’s still around.
“He’s as spry as he ever was!,” chirped a giddy Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “And have you ever seen him look so good?”
Some Republicans grumbled about Senator Byrd’s ghostly attire, but party leaders quickly shut them up and apologized for any offense that may have been caused to the deceased.
Knifework.net learned today from it’s exclusive Hollywood contacts that President Obama has ordered last minute changes to the remake of the 80′s classic “The Karate Kid”. The original movie features the story of a young boy who through sacrifice, hard work, humility and knowledge overcomes not only his tormentors but his own fear. Once our President got wind of the fact that the 2010 remake stayed true to this story he felt it was necessary to take time away from mediating talks over the possible breakup of the Big 12 Conference and personally intervene so that this new movie would reflect our new American values.
The new movie features Jaden Smith as Dre Parker, a twelve year old tormented by the children of Tea Party members in his neighborhood. Dre turns to Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), a local Asian-American who works for the Census Bureau going door-to-door gathering data for the American Community Survey. Mr. Han has perfected his own martial art through years of dodging violent constitutionalists who wrongly consider the idea of a continuous government data gathering project intrusive and unconstitutional.
Mr. Han initially has Dre perform such menial looking tasks as riding a stationary bicycle to generate electricity, sorting recycling, and collecting oil from restaurants to create biodiesel. However Dre is surprised to learn that all of these activities have helped him to learn essential moves in the art of Tae-Gore-Do, Mr. Han’s martial art.
The most visible change in the remake is during the finale when Dre fights Johnny, son of the local Tea Party organizer. The “Crane Kick” stance from the original is replaced with the “Oil Soaked Pelican” stance, which enables Dre to demonstrate our new American values of passiveness, environmental awareness, courageous restraint, and inaction during a crisis.
The movie ends with Dre in the hospital recuperating from the injuries he sustained while using Tae-Gore-Do. The last shot is his doctor (Ezekiel Emanuel) explaining to him that his age and race qualify him for the kidney transplant he requires after his severe beating.
As soon as knifework.net can get a trailer for this new version we will immediately post it – we know you are as anxious as us to see this exciting new film.
Hordes of disgruntled Americans took to the streets yesterday, participating in Tea Party rallies across the nation. The aftermath has left progressives scratching their heads.
“I just don’t get it,” mumbled political science professor Jim Hendrickson as he paced around his current place of employment, Starbucks. “Why did the Tea Party rallies get so much network coverage? No one started a fight with the police, called for an assassination, or even burned a flag.”
This sentiment has rippled through the left, sending many of them scurrying to focus groups and self-help seminars. We were able to catch up with a few of them as they milled around outside begging for spare change.
“It’s just not fair,” wailed anti-war activist Turner Phelps, of Cincinnati. “When I was coming up, a protest wasn’t a protest until some innocent bystander got trampled and sent to the hospital to die in the waiting room.”
Donald Landry of Salem, Oregon told us that he heard shouting and saw signs off in the distance as he tuned his acoustic guitar on the corner of Hawkins Avenue. “Dude, I went over to check it out and I couldn’t even score any pot. What kind of bullshit protest was that?”
And Miguel Estrada bemoaned the lack of fashion he witnessed at Atlanta’s rally. “These people were wearing shirts made out of flags, I think. Fanny packs? Baby, this ain’t the fifteenth century!”
Almost everyone we talked to was concerned that the Tea Party was getting an unfair amount of coverage for their non-shenanigans, but not everyone agrees. Bernard Atkins of the Center for Political Progress, a polling firm that specializes in strangely worded questions and calling only their friends, says that he believes the Tea Party is having a hard time getting their message across.
“Until the Tea Party starts throwing motolov cocktails, vandalizing Mom and Pop stores, beating up minorities…basically everything we’ve been trying to accuse them of doing…I don’t think the average American is going to listen to them. You’re only wasting your time out there. So just stop.”
After days of being unfairly battered and maligned about comments he was tricked into saying by racist Tea Party terrorists, Rep. Phil Hare* of Illinois has gone on the offensive, lashing out at his detractors and putting his words back into context.
“Look,” said a visibly shaken Hare. “I was nervous. I was surrounded by a handful of angry white people. I was scared! I misspoke. What I meant to say was, ‘I don’t worry about the calories.”
According to the congressman, under this bill he can eat whatever he wants and have his triple bypass surgery paid for by the taxpayers, and that was his main reason for voting in favor of it. He also said that millions of other Americans can too, and that is almost as important to him.
*In adherence to the unwritten laws of journalism, Knifework.net does not list political affiliations unless they are Republican.
Capping off his year long campaign against the United States of America, our great leader has finally seized his prize: America’s vast, untapped oil deposits. As most of his followers rejoice, there remain pockets of resistance. These fringe groups are undeniably made up largely of racists and homophobes.
“I thought Obama was an environmentalist!,” shrieked Greenpeace director, Phil Radford, while beating his angry fists into a dying tree. “But he’s BLACK! As black as oil!”
Such angst from people who once worshiped the ground Obama walked on is, to say the least, surprising. Some are even calling the President’s birth into question.
“This man is not the Messiah we were promised,” says Huffington Post commenter and Socialists Against the False Prophet founder, Ira Hailey. “We were led to believe that this half-white, half-black child had descended from the Heavens to lead us to blissful utopia. Now, I think it’s more plausible that he was simply born from a human woman too stupid to realize she could get an abortion.”
Acts of physical violence are feared as the White House ramps up security to counter the growing rage building in its admittedly unstable former base. Bricks of tofu have shattered Congressional office windows and someone spit on Rep. Barney Frank, although he claims that he liked it.
In a stunning new study released today by the University of Ottawa, researches claim they have found a link between countries that have socialized medicine and debilitating retardation.
“We are not sure yet just what aspect of universal health coverage causes retardation,” said provost Francois Houle. “But we think it has something to do with the fact that people who want it are retarded. It is hard to be sure because we are, in fact, retarded.”
After showing us around a very cluttered and disorganized laboratory, littered with colorful toys and soiled underclothes, Houle tried to recreate one of the experiments conducted by the University’s student research team. Picking up a small, metallic object that we later learned was an unfolded paper-clip, Houle crouched in front of the nearest electrical socket and inserted it. For the next 15 minutes, he replicated this experiment until he was distracted by a nearby computer’s screensaver.
Some time later, after prying him away from the screensaver’s bouncing icon (and then the purple balloon he found in a trashcan), Houle told us this new study was groundbreaking. He then proceeded to beat on the floor with his fists.
Asked for comment on the study, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the data was “unsurprising.”
“Why do you think we passed universal health care here in the States?,” asked Gibbs while tweeting on his iPhone. “99.7% of our base is retarded. You think they’d have put us in power otherwise?”
“Not for long!,” he giggled.
The left is climaxing over Sarah Palin writing a few crib notes on her hand. They have finally found the evidence they need to convince America that a woman is too stupid to be President.
I won’t go so far as to claim that they are stupid, but women do have a lot of things clogging up their pretty little heads.
And I’m not just talking about making babies here. Oh, no. If that were all, there would be no problem with someone like Palin engaging in something so manly as politics. Today’s female has a multitude of pressing issues on her mind:
There is obviously no need to go into the various substantive issues of Palin’s speech. She is a woman. And not even an acceptable, bra-burning feminist. The fact that a housewife from Alaska can even write on her hand is surprising in itself. Consider that she can also read from it, and it is not hard to understand why liberals were shocked.
By the way, welcome to knifework.net