Obama Declares Jihad on Economy
Facing difficulties retaining qualified personnel for his economic team, President Barack Hussein Obama today declared he was taking personal control over all economic decisions emanating from the White House.
“As I have stated before, Islam has always been part of America and American Muslims have made extraordinary contributions to our country. However it is my belief that we have not made proper use of the financial beliefs of Islam in dealing with our current economic crisis. Although I am not a Muslim, I can proudly say that today I am declaring Jihad on this crippled economy that I inherited.” said President Obama in a speech from the White House Rose Garden.
President Obama said that the provisions of Executive Order 13528 should provide a “firm and vigorous boost” to the US economy nearly immediately. ”The spirit of Islamic finance is to promote social justice by banning exploitative practices, something I have always striven to achieve. Effective immediately it is now illegal to collect interest in the United States, invest in the stocks of any so-called “public” corporations, or produce pornography or pork products. Islam is a belief that’s based on submission, dedication and humbleness, instead of the evil motive of profit that has created our current debacle.” said Obama.
Other contentious regulations in the Executive Order include the penalty of stoning for initiating foreclosure against a homeowner, the banning of Fractional-reserve banking, and the appointment of Rashad Hussain as the head of the new ZJA (Zakat and Jizya Agency), replacing the old IRS.
Economists say that a immediate ten to twenty thousand fold depletion in the available money supply will have a crushing effect on inflation, however it will reward those who have profited from interest on accumulated savings, a forbidden practice in Islam. Hence all 401k accounts will be immediately confiscated and placed in government receivership under EO 13528. Chris Kuehl, Managing Director for Armada Corporate Intelligence told Knifework.net that this was justified because as it is stated in the Quran “O you who believe! Lo! many of the rabbis and the monks devour the wealth of mankind wantonly and debar men from the way of Allah. They who hoard up gold and silver and spend it not in the way of God, unto them give tidings (O Muhammad) of a painful doom” (Quran 9:34), Insha Allah!
Economic benefits were immediately noticed after the speech, when foreign investment in United States real estate increased dramatically. We at Knifework.net wish President Obama, peace be upon him, all the luck in his latest endeavor.
Knifework Tech Review: The iSlam
Risking raids on our homes and offices (alright, it’s the same thing), knifework.net has been able to get our hands on the brand new portable device set to take the world by storm. We are talking, of course, about the iSlam.
Prototype of the new iSlam handheld.
Sporting a sleek, compact design the iSlam fits easily in any Taliban-issue suicide belt. It is guaranteed to prove to all your hipster friends how tolerant and politically correct you are. But is the iSlam more than just a pretty face? Let’s open the cover and look inside.
The iSlam comes pre-loaded with the will of Allah, as told by the prophet Muhammad. It boasts tens of apps that will aid you with whatever you need to carry out massacres of western devils. You can access the internet and search for the latest call to violence from your favorite Iman, or find out just what size shoe you need to conceal an infidel-killing IED. Utilizing the latest in IRC technology, you can communicate with allahwarrior1564 and hopefully gain entry into an al Qaeda training tent. You can even use your iSlam to book flights on Emirates Airlines.
The onboard memory and spotty WiFi connectivity leave something to be desired, as does the thought of having to blow yourself up with a homemade box of marbles and fertilizer. However, the iSlam promises to provide you with not one, but seventy-two (count ‘em!) virgins with every self detonation. Throw in the 4mp camera and bluetooth capability, and the iSlam makes a very attractive handheld, despite costing an arm and a leg…and another arm and leg, plus head, etc.
Being a largely political publication, we sent the iSlam around to some recent newsmakers. The responses were undeniably positive.
Michael Bloomberg, billionaire Mayor of New York City, instantly saw the money making potential of the iSlam. “This is just the sort of thing that will appeal to the average American. You know, the people upset over the health care bill.”
Attorney General Eric Holder was so awestruck over the iSlam that he couldn’t even pronounce the name.
We also sent one to President Barack Obama, but he could not be reached for comment as he continues to avoid direct questions. According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, Mr. Obama has been playing lots of Tetris on the iSlam since he went on a sleeping strike to protest the oil in the Gulf of Mexico.
All in all, we think the iSlam is the go-to device for anyone wanting to bring damnation to the infidel or simply run-of-the-mill destruction to the White Satan. Still not convinced? Check out the promotional video below:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vgoQcXjQJg]