New Iran Sanctions Spark Protest

Wait, which one of us is a guy again?

What would normally be a peaceful Sunday morning in Portland, Oregon was shattered by the sound of Converse All-Stars pounding the pavement in unison.

“You better, you better, you’d better not take their Grandma’s sweater!” was the chant as a sea of hipsters shuffled slowly in protest of the new economic sanctions against Iran proposed by the Obama administraton. The controversial proposal placing limits on the import of Pabst Blue Ribbon, fixed-gear bicycles, “Che” t-shirts, Arcade Fire albums, and other items caught the attention of people in coffee shops across the nation.

“I know I voted for Obama, but he is dead wrong on this. It’s time he stood up for the people of Iran,” said James Ivoy from the Pearl District. “Without an ample supply of indie music or Pabst, how are the youth of Iran expected to express their individuality?” asked Robyn “Robo” Bolsard.

Especially virulent were the cyclists, who performed silent track stands in unison every 300 yards. Many were sporting t-shirts that read “Don’t Nix the Fixie” along with a picture of Obama and a finger pointing at him. “We thought about a picture of the President with a circle and slash through him” said Aiden Buke of Hawthorne, “but that was considered too aggro.”

The march continued through downtown Portland for twenty blocks, only stopping once to admire a rare 1978 Chevrolet El Camino.

Although peaceful at the moment, promises to monitor this burgeoning movement and provide you with handy tips on how to disperse any protests in your area should this group become violent or slightly motivated.

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