Obama Reverses Stance on Illegal Aliens
In a shocking speech this afternoon, President Barack Obama announced that his stance on illegal immigration and the status of non-citizens in this country had reversed and “that he had no idea what he was thinking before.” According to his statement the following changes by the Federal Government take effect immediately:
- Formation of a 500,000 person strong national internal security force with a budget of some $800 billion a year. This police force will be granted unlimited power to comb through personal and business records nationwide to ascertain the legal status of every individual and ensure that they are in full compliance with their obligations as citizens of the United States.
- Construction of a 85 foot high, 10 foot thick concrete wall across the entire southern border of the United States. The initial contractor will be Modern Continental Corporation of Cambridge, MA. The vast experience they gained helping Boston’s “Big Dig” come in on time and under budget will be valuable according to Obama.
- Construction of 50 “Transition Camps” across the United States. Initial reports are that most of these camps will be based in the Midwest and the state of Arizona. The camps will be able to hold up to 100 million individuals for an extended period of time and are strategically located so that detainees will be able to volunteer on nearby “shovel ready” public projects.
- Appointment of Wolfgang Schwanitz as the new “Verification of Citizenship Czar”.
While initially confused by the about-face, pundits quickly saw the logic behind Obama’s change of heart. MSNBC’s Dave Weigel was quick to point out that Obama has stolen the issue of immigration from conservatives and traded the iffy votes of illegal aliens for the most reliable of liberal voters: easily directed and controlled government workers.
Knifework.net promises to keep you informed and updated on all new developments with this breaking story, just as soon as we make sure we have a current copy of our birth certificate nearby.
Statement by the Embassy of Mexico
It is with great pride in the efforts of the Obama Administration to right-size American sovereignty that we at Knifework forward to you our translation of the following memorandum:
Statement by the Embassy of Mexico
Washington D.C, May 25th, 2010
Regarding the Administration’s decision to send 1,200 National Guard servicemen to the US Southern border, the Government of Mexico trusts that this decision will help to channel additional US resources to enhance efforts to export criminals from Mexico, which is necessary if the effort to expand Mexico is to succeed.
Additionally, the Government of Mexico expects to be given the promised notice in writing of troop movements, including the date and time of the movement and the names and home addresses of the servicemen involved. This notice will strengthen US operations in the fight against a national will to exist that lingers on both sides of our common border.
Mexico is determined to continue working throughout our shared territory to organize our communities, and to obscure and dissemble about the profitable criminal export trade.
As part of our joint strategy in the fight against the horrors of a national will to exist, there are actions that our two governments have undertaken together, and there are other measures taken independently by Mexico and by the US within our shared territory. In this regard, the Mexican Government expects better warning over the rash overreactions of the US Government, and underscores that joint responsibility must continue to underpin our joint efforts in rolling-back the holdouts of national sentiment operating on both sides of the border.
Subir
Embajada de Mexico en Estados Unidos de America
1911 Pennsylvania AV, NW, Washington D.C. 20006
Tel: (202) 728 1600
Ask Amy: The Dinner Party
Dear Amy,
We held a dinner party recently in honor of some very special guests from Mexico, or as my husband likes to call it: Southern America.
Everything went without a hitch, but the guest of honor kept making snide remarks about our home. I tried to ignore these comments, but then my own husband joined in and agreed!
I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my adult life, I was finally proud of my home. Please help!
Sincerely,
M.O.
Dear M.O.,
No need to feel conflicted – the pride you’re feeling is totally understandable! Your husband and his Mexican guest are justified in bashing the United States, as it is light years away from reaching the civility enjoyed in Mexico.
Heck, compared to them, we’re practically a third world country. I mean honestly, when was the last time you were able to enjoy a piña colada at a swim-up bar in the United States? This is the type of luxury that can be found in every major Mexican city.
Mexico also understands the meaning of the phrase “basic human rights.” They would never create an immigration law such as the one passed in Arizona.
I recently took a trip to the idyllic border town of Ciudad Juárez, where not once was I stopped and asked to show my papers. I think they must celebrate non-stop down there, because the sound of fireworks was constant. I was never able to track down the party, but judging by all the exuberant yelling and cheering I heard, it must be the greatest place on earth – certainly better than any U.S. city I’ve ever visited!
And let me remind you of the way we treat drug dealers in this country – like they’re common criminals, when they’re merely trying to provide for their families. I think we need to adopt Mexico’s policy of treating them with consideration and respect- after all, drug dealers are people too. Besides, if handled properly, the drug trade can really help to improve a country’s economy, as evidenced by Mexico’s practically non-existent poverty rate.
If you’ve never visited Mexico on vacation, I recommend you plan a trip. Personally, I’ve been to both Cancun and Cozumel. It’s a beautiful country- and one that the United States would be lucky to emulate. If every day in the U.S. were as relaxing as the ones I’ve spent in Mexico, I think daily stress would disappear, just like my best friend did when we strayed too far from the resort. I can’t even begin to describe how safe one feels when armed guards are patrolling the beaches. If only the United States would take such precautions – crime and corruption would disappear, just like it has in Mexico!
So, M.O., don’t be ashamed of these feelings of pride you’ve been experiencing. After all, a true patriot only wants what is best for their country – and it’s quite clear that the best thing for the United States is to do everything exactly as Mexico does.
And you know what they say- imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Maybe Mexico will be so touched, they’ll invite us to the party in Juarez!
Adiós!
Amy