Tragedy struck the White House Thursday when Che, the goldfish of President Obama’s daughter Sasha, was reportedly found floating on its side at the top of it’s bowl by Secret Service during a routine security sweep. The official story from the White House is that Che perished from an untreated case of Chilodonella. Dr. Ezekiel Emanual, resident White House veterinarian stated that Che was denied care for his disease because he had already fulfilled the maximum happiness quotient he could provide calculated via the CLSFP, or Complete Lives System For Pets. Dr. Emanual went further and said that Che would been euthanized in the next two months anyway, since in his old age all he did was “just float there”.
Conspiracy theorists on the internet have been slow to accept this story since rumors have long been running rampant that rogue Secret Service agents exist within the White House protection team. Adding fuel to the fire was a tweet from one @WHprotectiondude53 which stated “Just shot Rosebud’s fish, he jumped right out at me.” Although screenshots of the tweet exist, the account was closed shortly afterward.
The conspiracy theorists, who have been deemed “Fishers” by the media, are demanding that the White House release the photos that are known to have been taken of Che floating at the top of the fish bowl. They state that without seeing for themselves the signs of Chilodonella, such as clamped fins and a light-blue skin tone, there is no way to know for sure if that’s what really killed him, especially since Che, in accordance with traditional goldfish custom, was flushed down the toilet minutes later by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, widely known to be the least squeamish person in the White House.
Worse yet, pictures purported to be of Che with a fatal gunshot wound to the torso have already surfaced on the internet:
The Obama administration refuses to release photo of the dead Che because they claim doing so would offend known terrorist groups inside the United States, such as PETA and the Animal Liberation Front. “We don’t want anymore unwashed hippies getting naked in public parks and causing commotion over one photo, I think. I would also like a donut and a teddy bear and did you know what there are three people wearing red shirts in this room?” said White House spokesman Jay Carney.
Fisher activist Donald Trump has vowed to fight for access to the photo, even filing a FOIA request this afternoon and stating “It’s vitally important to the integrity of this country and it’s constitution that we find out whether or not this goldfish died of natural causes or if it was brutally assassinated by black-op government hit squad.”
Knifework.net promises to keep you abreast of this breaking story as long as we can remain above water.
After days of being unfairly battered and maligned about comments he was tricked into saying by racist Tea Party terrorists, Rep. Phil Hare* of Illinois has gone on the offensive, lashing out at his detractors and putting his words back into context.
“Look,” said a visibly shaken Hare. “I was nervous. I was surrounded by a handful of angry white people. I was scared! I misspoke. What I meant to say was, ‘I don’t worry about the calories.”
According to the congressman, under this bill he can eat whatever he wants and have his triple bypass surgery paid for by the taxpayers, and that was his main reason for voting in favor of it. He also said that millions of other Americans can too, and that is almost as important to him.
*In adherence to the unwritten laws of journalism, Knifework.net does not list political affiliations unless they are Republican.
Vice President and sometimes pretend Sheriff Joe Biden’s motorcade was involved in yet another accident today, bringing the total number of accidents his motorcade has been in to somewhere around 23.
14 people sustained various injuries, though their names were not released as they are liberals and no one cares. Biden was thought to have suffered massive head trauma after he responded to the following questions from paramedics on the scene:
- When asked who his boss was, Biden answered, “Barack America!“
- Prompted to spell a three letter word, Biden proudly rattled off: J-O-B-S.
- Asked what year it was Biden insisted, “It’s 1929! The year television was born.”
- Skeptical paramedics then asked him to name the Vice President of the United States. Biden promptly replied, “Hillary.”
Satisfied that he was was acting normally, paramedics released the Vice President without administering medical attention.
As to the other 14 people who were injured in this completely avoidable tragedy, there is good news…