Socialized Medicine Linked to Crippling Retardation
In a stunning new study released today by the University of Ottawa, researches claim they have found a link between countries that have socialized medicine and debilitating retardation.
Violent retardation is a cry for help, researchers say.
“We are not sure yet just what aspect of universal health coverage causes retardation,” said provost Francois Houle. “But we think it has something to do with the fact that people who want it are retarded. It is hard to be sure because we are, in fact, retarded.”
After showing us around a very cluttered and disorganized laboratory, littered with colorful toys and soiled underclothes, Houle tried to recreate one of the experiments conducted by the University’s student research team. Picking up a small, metallic object that we later learned was an unfolded paper-clip, Houle crouched in front of the nearest electrical socket and inserted it. For the next 15 minutes, he replicated this experiment until he was distracted by a nearby computer’s screensaver.
Some time later, after prying him away from the screensaver’s bouncing icon (and then the purple balloon he found in a trashcan), Houle told us this new study was groundbreaking. He then proceeded to beat on the floor with his fists.
Asked for comment on the study, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the data was “unsurprising.”
America will lead the way in retardation, vows Gibbs.
“Why do you think we passed universal health care here in the States?,” asked Gibbs while tweeting on his iPhone. “99.7% of our base is retarded. You think they’d have put us in power otherwise?”
Gibbs also responded to Francois Houle’s stern warning to conservative pundit and author, Ann Coulter, that freedom of speech is defined differently in Canada than in the U.S.
“Not for long!,” he giggled.
Health Insurance Mandate Has Precedent, Says Legal Professor
In the wake of many contentious statements after the passage of comprehensive health care reform, especially those concerning the mandate that Americans be forced to purchase health insurance and a spate of lawsuits from state officials nationwide, knifework.net consulted renowned legal scholar Dr. Rana Twedle of Naples Community College in Naples, FL (Go Fightin’ Manatees!) to provide some levity and knowledge to the discussion.
KW: Many Americans are concerned that the comprehensive health care reform bill is unconstitutional, do you think it will hold up under scrutiny?
RT: Absolutely this bill will be upheld and found to be constitutional – any argument that it’s unconstitutional to force Americans to purchase a product is forgetting the many precedents that have already been set in this nation.
KW: Precedents such as?
RT: In 1838 Martin Van Buren decreed via executive order that Americans “Purchase an Indian of sufficient strength to help on the farm” in an attempt to alleviate America’s problem at the time with it’s Native American population. In 1912 Teddy Roosevelt was successful in getting a bill passed that forced Americans to purchase a stuffed moose for every child under ten in their house, and a little known clause of the National Interstate and Defense Highways Act of 1956 required Americans to purchase a pick and shovel and work on any highway that passed within five miles of their residence, although it was never enforced.
KW: What about statements from the left that health care is a “right” that is endowed to all Americans?
RT: I think it’s historic that we have finally recognized health care as a right that we are all entitled to, as long as you pay for it yourself out of a basket of federally mandated choices and remember that failing to do so makes you liable for any number of penalties including fines or imprisonment.
KW: Wow. Thank you Dr. Twedle, for your illuminating input on the legal controversy surrounding health care reform. Is there anything else you would like to add?
RT: Yes, Americans need to resist the natural urge to look to physicians for guidance on this issue and instead rely on the time-tested and proven solutions that our Democratic leaders have provided time and again.