Dear Amy,

I have become increasingly frustrated with my job over the past several months, due to so called ‘emergencies’ constantly interrupting my vacations and golf lessons. In talking with my wife, I discovered that she wrote to you a few weeks ago, and after doing so, felt much better about her problems. So I thought, ‘what the hell? Let’s give this thing a shot.’

I work in a high stress job, where people count on me to get things done. My performance thus far has been stellar, if I do say so myself, but there are people who constantly criticize me. It’s as if nothing I do is good enough for them, no matter how hard I might try.

For instance, there was a catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that occurred, I don’t know, a few days ago I guess. You may have heard about it. Anyway, APPARENTLY I’m supposed to just wave my arms and make it all better. Well, I can’t do that – my arms are simply too sore from yesterday’s round of golf. Besides, I’ve already addressed the nation twice regarding this issue, and I told BP to plug the damn hole. What more can I possibly do?

And look, in the end, isn’t this really just nature’s problem? I figure it’ll work itself out eventually. Oil is a finite resource, after all. Just as a precaution, though, I’ve hired Al Gore as my Environmental Czar. He claims that he has direct access to Gaia (some sort of higher power or something- I don’t know, I’m not very religious). Anyway, I’m inclined to believe him, due to the very official looking charts he showed me.

The on-call masseuse he demanded seemed like a strange request at first, but I hear massages are a good stress reliever. Saving the environment sounds as though it might be a pretty demanding job – and if anyone knows about demanding jobs, it’s me. Which reminds me, I need to check tomorrow’s tee time.

Anyway, then there’s the issue of the recession. I think it’s pretty clear at this point that the stimulus package was a rousing success. I mean honestly, if it weren’t, you would have heard by now. And according to my teleprompter, I’ve saved or created 3 bazillion jobs for the American people – at least, I think that’s what it says. There’s a smudge of what appears to be peanut butter on the screen. How many times do I have to tell Biden to keep his sandwiches away from my teleprompter??

Then, on top of everything else, I’ve got this joker, General McChrystal, insulting my administration during an interview with Rolling Stone.  As this was my first real emergency since being sworn into office, swift action was taken- McChrystal was fired and justice was served. After all, no one insults me, my staff, me, my policies, and especially me and gets away with it. And some people claim I’m not doing a good job of leading the country. Please.

I had plenty of experience leading others back when I used to be a community organizer – and what is America, if not a giant community just begging to be organized? Maybe the problem is that some are resisting too much. If I’m to be a better leader, everyone needs to just shut up and do what I say.

Look, I’m a humble guy. If you were to ask people who the most important person in all of history is, they’d probably say me. Due to my humble nature, though, I’d have to go with Jesus. Now that you know the extent of my humility, you can trust that, if anything, I’ve downplayed my hard work and accomplishments.

Funny story – my wife just walked by and asked what I was doing. I told her I was writing to tell you how fantastic I am. She informed me I was supposed to be asking you for advice. HAH. As if I, the most knowledgeable man in the world, would ever need to ask for advice, especially from someone who’s not even from a more superior country, like Southern America (or what some people still refer to as Mexico). She did have one thing correct though – after putting my many accomplishments down into words, I’ve never felt better about myself!

To celebrate, I’m going to treat myself to a round golf (I hardly ever get to play, you know – I have things to do, unlike that last guy).

Thank you for taking to time to read about the awesome that is me. Or is it you who should be thanking me? Well, you can show your gratitude by not complaining when I raise your taxes.

Sincerely,

President Barack H. Obama

Dear President Obama,

I know you didn’t ask me for advice, but I have to at least respond or I’ll be fired.  I would hate for your jobs created/saved to be tarnished in any way, as it’s such an impressive number.  Why, I’ve never even heard of a bazillion!  Your brilliance truly is unmatched.  I guess that’s what a Harvard education will do for you.

I’m certain that you’re doing the absolute best job that you, yourself, are capable of doing.  The American people know you’re not Superman – I’m sure everyone is perfectly happy with the way you’ve handled yourself in the face of an emergency.

Just continue doing things the way you’ve been doing them, and I feel confident that you’ll go down in history as the most memorable POTUS of all time.

If, for some crazy reason, you happen to need advice in the future, feel free to write – I’m pretty good at working an iPod.

Sincerely,

Amy