Department Of Justice Files Charges Over Tragic Spill
Eric "Mad Dog" Holder
On Thursday Attorney General Eric Holder announced that criminal charges will be filed over the tragic spill that occurred 42 days ago in McKinney Texas. Holder and his crack team were lucky enough to be on the scene at Spoon’s Diner when James Friday, age 11, carelessly knocked over a large glass of milk his mother had ordered for him.
Domestic terrorist?
Quickly sensing the gravity of the situation Holder and his team sealed off the diner and informed all of the patrons that they would be detained indefinitely as witnesses.
“Whether this was an act of domestic terrorism or merely a unfortunate accident in a capitalist business exploiting the environment your cooperation is essential!” Holder was heard to shout immediately after the spill reached the soles of his $1500 Testoni Norvegese wingtips.
The diner has been shuttered since the incident much to the dismay of repeat customer Rudy Snow, a 73-year old veteran of the Marine Corps. “That Holder is one interesting fellow. He didn’t care when that little boy starting crying after spilling his milk, but as soon as it hit those fancy shoes of his he jumped up like a coiled spring and began barking out orders. I ain’t seen someone yell like that since Gunny Wright told us to get the hell off the beach at Saipan.”
Since James is being held without bail at an undisclosed Federal facility we were unable to speak with him, but his distraught mother Ellen was able to talk to us. “I just wish all of this had never happened. My mother always told me that accidents happen and that there’s no sense in crying over spilt milk, I had no idea just how right she would be. If only Mr Holder had just accepted Jame’s apology and cleaned off his shoes with the dish towel the staff offered him maybe this could have all been avoided.” she said. After a long pause and a shake of her head she added “He just seemed more interested in assigning blame and giving out punishment than dealing with and finding a solution to the problem at hand.”
Knifework Tech Review: The iSlam
Risking raids on our homes and offices (alright, it’s the same thing), knifework.net has been able to get our hands on the brand new portable device set to take the world by storm. We are talking, of course, about the iSlam.
Prototype of the new iSlam handheld.
Sporting a sleek, compact design the iSlam fits easily in any Taliban-issue suicide belt. It is guaranteed to prove to all your hipster friends how tolerant and politically correct you are. But is the iSlam more than just a pretty face? Let’s open the cover and look inside.
The iSlam comes pre-loaded with the will of Allah, as told by the prophet Muhammad. It boasts tens of apps that will aid you with whatever you need to carry out massacres of western devils. You can access the internet and search for the latest call to violence from your favorite Iman, or find out just what size shoe you need to conceal an infidel-killing IED. Utilizing the latest in IRC technology, you can communicate with allahwarrior1564 and hopefully gain entry into an al Qaeda training tent. You can even use your iSlam to book flights on Emirates Airlines.
The onboard memory and spotty WiFi connectivity leave something to be desired, as does the thought of having to blow yourself up with a homemade box of marbles and fertilizer. However, the iSlam promises to provide you with not one, but seventy-two (count ‘em!) virgins with every self detonation. Throw in the 4mp camera and bluetooth capability, and the iSlam makes a very attractive handheld, despite costing an arm and a leg…and another arm and leg, plus head, etc.
Being a largely political publication, we sent the iSlam around to some recent newsmakers. The responses were undeniably positive.
Michael Bloomberg, billionaire Mayor of New York City, instantly saw the money making potential of the iSlam. “This is just the sort of thing that will appeal to the average American. You know, the people upset over the health care bill.”
Attorney General Eric Holder was so awestruck over the iSlam that he couldn’t even pronounce the name.
We also sent one to President Barack Obama, but he could not be reached for comment as he continues to avoid direct questions. According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, Mr. Obama has been playing lots of Tetris on the iSlam since he went on a sleeping strike to protest the oil in the Gulf of Mexico.
All in all, we think the iSlam is the go-to device for anyone wanting to bring damnation to the infidel or simply run-of-the-mill destruction to the White Satan. Still not convinced? Check out the promotional video below:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vgoQcXjQJg]