Eric "Mad Dog" Holder

On Thursday Attorney General Eric Holder announced that criminal charges will be filed over the tragic spill that occurred 42 days ago in McKinney Texas.  Holder and his crack team were lucky enough to be on the scene at Spoon’s Diner when James Friday, age 11, carelessly knocked over a large glass of milk his mother had ordered for him.

Domestic terrorist?

Quickly sensing the gravity of the situation Holder and his team sealed off the diner and informed all of the patrons that they would be detained indefinitely as witnesses.

“Whether this was an act of domestic terrorism or merely a unfortunate accident in a capitalist business exploiting the environment your cooperation is essential!” Holder was heard to shout immediately after the spill reached the soles of his $1500 Testoni Norvegese wingtips.

The diner has been shuttered since the incident much to the dismay of repeat customer Rudy Snow, a 73-year old veteran of the Marine Corps. “That Holder is one interesting fellow. He didn’t care when that little boy starting crying after spilling his milk, but as soon as it hit those fancy shoes of his he jumped up like a coiled spring and began barking out orders. I ain’t seen someone yell like that since Gunny Wright told us to get the hell off the beach at Saipan.”

Since James is being held without bail at an undisclosed Federal facility we were unable to speak with him, but his distraught mother Ellen was able to talk to us. “I just wish all of this had never happened. My mother always told me that accidents happen and that there’s no sense in crying over spilt milk, I had no idea just how right she would be. If only Mr Holder had just accepted Jame’s apology and cleaned off his shoes with the dish towel the staff offered him maybe this could have all been avoided.” she said. After a long pause and a shake of her head she added “He just seemed more interested in assigning blame and giving out punishment than dealing with and finding a solution to the problem at hand.”