In a shocking speech this afternoon, President Barack Obama announced that his stance on illegal immigration and the status of non-citizens in this country had reversed and “that he had no idea what he was thinking before.” According to his statement the following changes by the Federal Government take effect immediately:
- Formation of a 500,000 person strong national internal security force with a budget of some $800 billion a year. This police force will be granted unlimited power to comb through personal and business records nationwide to ascertain the legal status of every individual and ensure that they are in full compliance with their obligations as citizens of the United States.
- Construction of a 85 foot high, 10 foot thick concrete wall across the entire southern border of the United States. The initial contractor will be Modern Continental Corporation of Cambridge, MA. The vast experience they gained helping Boston’s “Big Dig” come in on time and under budget will be valuable according to Obama.
- Construction of 50 “Transition Camps” across the United States. Initial reports are that most of these camps will be based in the Midwest and the state of Arizona. The camps will be able to hold up to 100 million individuals for an extended period of time and are strategically located so that detainees will be able to volunteer on nearby “shovel ready” public projects.
- Appointment of Wolfgang Schwanitz as the new “Verification of Citizenship Czar”.
While initially confused by the about-face, pundits quickly saw the logic behind Obama’s change of heart. MSNBC’s Dave Weigel was quick to point out that Obama has stolen the issue of immigration from conservatives and traded the iffy votes of illegal aliens for the most reliable of liberal voters: easily directed and controlled government workers.
Knifework.net promises to keep you informed and updated on all new developments with this breaking story, just as soon as we make sure we have a current copy of our birth certificate nearby.
I have become increasingly frustrated with my job over the past several months, due to so called ‘emergencies’ constantly interrupting my vacations and golf lessons. In talking with my wife, I discovered that she wrote to you a few weeks ago, and after doing so, felt much better about her problems. So I thought, ‘what the hell? Let’s give this thing a shot.’
I work in a high stress job, where people count on me to get things done. My performance thus far has been stellar, if I do say so myself, but there are people who constantly criticize me. It’s as if nothing I do is good enough for them, no matter how hard I might try.
For instance, there was a catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that occurred, I don’t know, a few days ago I guess. You may have heard about it. Anyway, APPARENTLY I’m supposed to just wave my arms and make it all better. Well, I can’t do that – my arms are simply too sore from yesterday’s round of golf. Besides, I’ve already addressed the nation twice regarding this issue, and I told BP to plug the damn hole. What more can I possibly do?
And look, in the end, isn’t this really just nature’s problem? I figure it’ll work itself out eventually. Oil is a finite resource, after all. Just as a precaution, though, I’ve hired Al Gore as my Environmental Czar. He claims that he has direct access to Gaia (some sort of higher power or something- I don’t know, I’m not very religious). Anyway, I’m inclined to believe him, due to the very official looking charts he showed me.
The on-call masseuse he demanded seemed like a strange request at first, but I hear massages are a good stress reliever. Saving the environment sounds as though it might be a pretty demanding job – and if anyone knows about demanding jobs, it’s me. Which reminds me, I need to check tomorrow’s tee time.
Anyway, then there’s the issue of the recession. I think it’s pretty clear at this point that the stimulus package was a rousing success. I mean honestly, if it weren’t, you would have heard by now. And according to my teleprompter, I’ve saved or created 3 bazillion jobs for the American people – at least, I think that’s what it says. There’s a smudge of what appears to be peanut butter on the screen. How many times do I have to tell Biden to keep his sandwiches away from my teleprompter??
Then, on top of everything else, I’ve got this joker, General McChrystal, insulting my administration during an interview with Rolling Stone. As this was my first real emergency since being sworn into office, swift action was taken- McChrystal was fired and justice was served. After all, no one insults me, my staff, me, my policies, and especially me and gets away with it. And some people claim I’m not doing a good job of leading the country. Please.
I had plenty of experience leading others back when I used to be a community organizer – and what is America, if not a giant community just begging to be organized? Maybe the problem is that some are resisting too much. If I’m to be a better leader, everyone needs to just shut up and do what I say.
Look, I’m a humble guy. If you were to ask people who the most important person in all of history is, they’d probably say me. Due to my humble nature, though, I’d have to go with Jesus. Now that you know the extent of my humility, you can trust that, if anything, I’ve downplayed my hard work and accomplishments.
Funny story – my wife just walked by and asked what I was doing. I told her I was writing to tell you how fantastic I am. She informed me I was supposed to be asking you for advice. HAH. As if I, the most knowledgeable man in the world, would ever need to ask for advice, especially from someone who’s not even from a more superior country, like Southern America (or what some people still refer to as Mexico). She did have one thing correct though – after putting my many accomplishments down into words, I’ve never felt better about myself!
To celebrate, I’m going to treat myself to a round golf (I hardly ever get to play, you know – I have things to do, unlike that last guy).
Thank you for taking to time to read about the awesome that is me. Or is it you who should be thanking me? Well, you can show your gratitude by not complaining when I raise your taxes.
President Barack H. Obama
Dear President Obama,
I know you didn’t ask me for advice, but I have to at least respond or I’ll be fired. I would hate for your jobs created/saved to be tarnished in any way, as it’s such an impressive number. Why, I’ve never even heard of a bazillion! Your brilliance truly is unmatched. I guess that’s what a Harvard education will do for you.
I’m certain that you’re doing the absolute best job that you, yourself, are capable of doing. The American people know you’re not Superman – I’m sure everyone is perfectly happy with the way you’ve handled yourself in the face of an emergency.
Just continue doing things the way you’ve been doing them, and I feel confident that you’ll go down in history as the most memorable POTUS of all time.
If, for some crazy reason, you happen to need advice in the future, feel free to write – I’m pretty good at working an iPod.
Knifework.net learned today from it’s exclusive Hollywood contacts that President Obama has ordered last minute changes to the remake of the 80′s classic “The Karate Kid”. The original movie features the story of a young boy who through sacrifice, hard work, humility and knowledge overcomes not only his tormentors but his own fear. Once our President got wind of the fact that the 2010 remake stayed true to this story he felt it was necessary to take time away from mediating talks over the possible breakup of the Big 12 Conference and personally intervene so that this new movie would reflect our new American values.
The new movie features Jaden Smith as Dre Parker, a twelve year old tormented by the children of Tea Party members in his neighborhood. Dre turns to Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), a local Asian-American who works for the Census Bureau going door-to-door gathering data for the American Community Survey. Mr. Han has perfected his own martial art through years of dodging violent constitutionalists who wrongly consider the idea of a continuous government data gathering project intrusive and unconstitutional.
Mr. Han initially has Dre perform such menial looking tasks as riding a stationary bicycle to generate electricity, sorting recycling, and collecting oil from restaurants to create biodiesel. However Dre is surprised to learn that all of these activities have helped him to learn essential moves in the art of Tae-Gore-Do, Mr. Han’s martial art.
The most visible change in the remake is during the finale when Dre fights Johnny, son of the local Tea Party organizer. The “Crane Kick” stance from the original is replaced with the “Oil Soaked Pelican” stance, which enables Dre to demonstrate our new American values of passiveness, environmental awareness, courageous restraint, and inaction during a crisis.
The movie ends with Dre in the hospital recuperating from the injuries he sustained while using Tae-Gore-Do. The last shot is his doctor (Ezekiel Emanuel) explaining to him that his age and race qualify him for the kidney transplant he requires after his severe beating.
As soon as knifework.net can get a trailer for this new version we will immediately post it – we know you are as anxious as us to see this exciting new film.
A journey that was hindered by many setbacks, including golf outings and fundraisers, is finally over today as the one known as The One arrived on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. Accompanied by his devoted press corp, Barack H. Obama greeted all with warm handshakes and arrogant smirks.
The excitement here has been brewing for weeks, as fervent believers claim to have seen his likeness in the sludge washing up on pristine beaches. No one was disappointed. After an excessively long sermon, Obama performed several wonders.
Stepping gracefully over the brown-capped waves, Obama coolly strolled across the water. Head held usually high, he beckoned to his disciple Gibbs. With a running start, Gibbs made it several feet before looking down and sinking like a stone. Fortunately, the buoyant pudginess of Gibbs caused him to bob back to the surface.
Waiting for several Coast Guard vessels to tow Gibbs back to dry land, Obama performed his second marvel. With a simple gesture he parted the sea, allowing hundreds of migrant Mexicans to skirt Arizona and cross unencumbered into Louisiana.
Obama relinquished his mystical command of the water, drowning only a few stragglers, and returned to shore to feed the multitudes with loaves and fishes. The fish, as it turned out, was not the best of ideas. Horrified eco-activists immediately began slinging the fish back into the Gulf, praying that Obama would restore them to life. Hordes of pelicans descended upon the bounty, but struggled as they landed in the murky water.
Quickly diverting all cameras away from the carnage, Obama performed his final miracle. He turned the water into whine.
In what appears to be a much needed pick-me-up in light of continuously sinking poll numbers, President Obama today awarded himself the first official Medal of Courageous Restraint for his valiant inaction in the face of the catastrophic BP oil spill off the coast of Louisiana.
In an intimate ceremony, hastily organized immediately following the President’s first press conference in ten months, Vice President Joe Biden, who just happened to be passing by the oval office at that moment, presented the medal to Mr. Obama. Biden was visibly confused when the medal was first handed to him, as he himself has no military experience to speak of. However, after Mr. Obama explained the situation to Biden through an interpreter, the ceremony continued without a hitch. Biden recited his lines nearly perfectly, earning a little silver star for his efforts.
In prepared remarks, the award dangling around his neck along with his Nobel Peace Prize, Olympic Bobsled Medal and the clock he got from Flava Flav, the President outlined in tedious detail his difficulty avoiding work, particularly over the past month, and tangentially noted that he is now receiving treatment for tendonitis in his blaming finger. As expected, the President thanked his family for keeping him occupied away from the office and also his staff for reaching new levels of incompetence during this environmental travesty that just might trigger the END OF THE WORLD.
Finally, the President acknowledged that he was looking forward to doing equally little in the future and gave a final thanks to his caddy, for “helping me stay focused on more important things.“
Today President Obama signed the $867 billion dollar Maritime Shipping Stabilization Act of 2010, a package of direct currency infusion, low-interest loans, infrastructure building, and military aid. Drafted and introduced in the House one month ago by Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA), the bill is designed to improve the living conditions of the Somali fisherman who have had to resort to piracy to survive and in recent weeks been unjustly attacked and killed by foreign military forces.
Upon signing the bill President Obama gave this impromptu speech to the assembled dignitaries:
“Let me be clear – We must now take further, decisive action to fundamentally and comprehensively address the root cause of this turmoil. And that root cause is the shipping correction which has resulted in illiquid martime-related assets that are choking off the flow of durable goods which is so vitally important to our economy. We must address this underlying problem, and restore confidence in our naval transportation market so it can perform their mission of supporting future prosperity and growth.
This relief program has to be properly designed for immediate implementation is sufficiently large to have maximum impact and restore market confidence. It must also protect the taxpayer to the maximum extent possible, and include provisions that ensure transparency and oversight while also ensuring the program can be implemented quickly and run effectively.
We can no longer allow foreign intrusion in the affairs of my brothers in Somalia and it is vitally important that they be able to continue fishing to support their families and also functioning in their role of monitoring and screening all shipping traffic coming out of the port of Mombasa, Kenya, which I would like to repeat is not the place of my birth and I have nothing to hide there.”
While the bill was posted online for the requisite five minute review period that is standard White House protocol, knifework.net was able to glean a few of the provisions in it:
- $357 billion in US Dollars in $20 bills delivered in 4 shipping containers
- 400 DVD box sets of “The Deadliest Catch”
- 600 $5000 gift cards to Bass Pro Shops
- Subscriptions to Salt Water Sportsman Magazine
- $547 billion in low-interest loans from Fannie Mae
- Three new community centers and a US administered “Midnight Basketball” program
The most contentious inclusion in the bill is the turnover of the San Antonio class amphibious transport dock USS John P Murtha to the Somali fisherman, including its four CH-64 Sea Knight helicopters, 30mm Bushmaster cannon and point defense missile systems.
Pressed for an answer about this, Senator Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) explained that “It is unconscionable that because of the failed policies of the Bush administration these poor fisherman have been forced time and again to hijack or commandeer private vessels to use as mother ships for their smaller fishing boats. It may seen excessive to hand over a $3 billion US Naval ship designed to provide a stealthy and survivable platform for rapidly deploying teams of individuals over a wide area, but we felt it was important to show the people of the United States and the fisherman in Somalia that we have a firm commitment to helping them and are no longer following the failed policies of the Bush administration. The US giving non-national groups weapons isn’t without precedent, and has shown to decrease tension and violence in the area.”
A statement released by the GAO shortly after the signing claimed that the bill would be “budget-neutral” due to the drop in losses to piracy, lower food costs because of new Somali fish imports, and greater economic activity at the chain of Bass Pro Shops stores nationwide.
Comrade Obama photoshop by @antijenx
With the recent retirement of Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, speculation has been rampant as to who President Obama will nominate as his successor. Knifework.net has been lucky enough to glean information from insiders in the Obama administration and elsewhere and has prepared a list of those who appear to be the leading contenders for one of the most prestigious positions in the world.
Current chairperson of the Communist Party of the USA, Sam is also the former state organizer of the Michigan Communist Party. He has a Masters in Economics from the University of Connecticut and in his spare time enjoys scrapbooking and creating innovative Asian fusion dishes.
“While I resist the idea that the working class on its own can bring its class opponents to its knees, I don’t minimize the strategic social power of the working class nor occlude the Marxist insight that the working class because of its economic location, political capacities and historical experience is best positioned, though not preordained, to emerge as the general leader of the broader democratic movement.” -Sam Webb
With two degrees (including a magna cum laude J.D.) from Harvard and extensive experience working as a clerk in the Supreme Court his qualifications are without reproach. Mr. Sunstein has extensively argued for the dissolution of marriage, increased taxes, animal rights, and the nationwide banning of the Goober Burger.
Mr. Sunstein is currently the Regulatory Czar for the Obama administration, a position that no one has any clue what the fuck it is.
“A system of limitless individual choices, with respect to communications, is not necessarily in the interest of citizenship and self-government.” -Cass Sunstein
Americans have wondered for years what it would take for us to have a Jewish Lesbian DJ as a Supreme Court Justice, and it appears the wait may soon be over. Renowned Hip-Hop and House DJ Samantha Ronson may not have the bona fides of other candidates, but her time spent as Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend has provided her with extensive knowledge of the legal system.
Her only drawback may be her libertarian views on government intervention in the public’s personal lives, as evidenced in this quote by her:
“Dear US gov’t- looking for people bored enough to fill out your census? Try the 405 or the DMV. You’re welcome, samantha.”
The wild card in this list, no one seems to know if Kevin Carson is an anarchist, libertarian, or communist. Barely known outside of intellectual circles for his work, Kevin is best known for his HALO skills on XBOX Live as “wombat21″.
“As a white man, I can tell you, I derive very little satisfaction from the knowledge that I’m being screwed over by people who look like me. Instead of worrying about the racial and gender makeup of the board rooms and cabinets, I’d like to tear them down.” -Kevin Carson
Currently the senior United States Senator from Minnesota, Klobuchar has extensive legal experience and in 2001 Minnesota Lawyer named her “Attorney of the Year”. In 2008 Klobuchar voted in favor of the Intelligence Authorization Act which included a provision to ban the use of waterboarding by the United States, seemingly contradictory to rumors that she waterboarded neighborhood children for fun in the early 1990′s.
“I raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends — true story! I know that is the record in the Senate, but in the House it’s held by Barney Frank.” -Amy Klobuchar
Surprisingly the first black nominee on our list, Cynthia is perhaps the one most in line with the personal political philosophy of President Obama himself. Just like our President, she has long been an admirer of Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, and is a longtime supporter of the Palestinian cause.
“Images of burning Red Cross and UN buildings struck by US bombs contrasted with images of thousands of desperately poor Afghan women carrying sickly and starving children out of Afghanistan as they flee the might of the US military is tearing at international public confidence in our war against terrorism.” -Cynthia McKinney
As the last nominee on our list Eva is also the most contentious, but the idea of a pornographic actress in government is not without precedence. A staunch advocate of sexual freedom, abortion, drug use, and very interested in health care issues, Eva would be on the Court for a long time due to her age. She could also be a veteran and shows exceptional drive and aptitude as evidenced by a quote from an interview with her:
“Yeah, I’ve been in the business for a while. Since three months after I turned eighteen I’ve been in. Before It was always porn or the Navy, and I chose porn. I’ve been having a blast, you know? I’m the kind of person that always wants to do something at least once in their life. I think the Navy will be great and provide me with the skills I need to come back and run my corporation the best way possible, I’ll know how to run the business. I’ll have the discipline, the organizational skills, and I think I’ll be taken more seriously.”
Just after the announcement of the TLC channel’s new eight-part miniseries called “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”, MSNBC today said it will air a similar series highlighting the wonderful aspects of life in Barack Obama’s home country of Kenya. The twenty-part miniseries will be produced by Michael Moore and each episode will be preceded with a short two-hour prologue by the President.
Knifework.net has been lucky enough to obtain an episode guide and has highlighted a few interesting installments:
Episode 1: The almost-liberation of Kenya by the Sunni moderates of the Northern Frontier District Liberation Movement during the Shifta War.
Episode 4: Barack Obama’s birth in an unnamed hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii.
Episode 6: The almost-liberation of Kenya by Jaramogi Oginga Odinga and Obama’s first cousin Raila Odinga during a 1982 coup attempt.
Episode 9: The annual migration of Michelle Obama’s favorite animal, the wildebeest.
Episode 15: The explosive growth of Kenya’s economy until the racist IMF stopped lending it millions of dollars a year.
Episode 16: Barack Obama’s first cricket games with the Mombasa Little League Cricket Association.
Episode 17: The regretful 1998 bombing of the US Embassy in Nairobi by the normally peaceful Al-Gama’a al-Islamiyya.
Episode 18: The wonderful health care system in Kenya and the amazing 47-55 year life expectancy of its patients.
Episode 19: The election of the “People’s President” Raila Odinga and the peaceful protests that followed.
MSNBC plans to air the program starting on July 4th, and continue straight through to July 24th without a day off. Director of Programming for MSNBC David Thornberg reminded viewers that TITLE 26, Subtitle A, CHAPTER 1, Subchapter A, PART IV, Subpart A, § 25A of the US Tax Code gives taxpayers a $1,000 credit for viewing each episode.
Ticker tape, confetti and balloons irrevocably damaged the environment today as celebratory parades were held around to the world to honor U.S. President and baseball enthusiast Barack Obama. Mr. Obama has succeeded where all other non-deities have failed. He has achieved World Peace.
Perhaps the only thing more astonishing than this grand accomplishment is the simplicity in which it was attained. For centuries the answer has been right under our noses, but one of the many failings of human beings has always been our shortsightedness. Fortunately, we elected a President that can not possibly be human.
It seems that all we had to do was announce when we would not use our military might. By assuring our enemies that we would not respond to biological or chemical attacks with a nuclear assault, we instantaneously won their hearts and minds. Iran immediately suspended its nuclear program and al Qaeda beat their ceremonial scimitars into plowshares.
“Some on the Right ridiculed our dear leader for bowing to foreign dignitaries,” sneered Vice President Joe Biden. “But I told you this kid’s backbone would be tested. I bet a lot of people will be begging for him to bow now.”
President Obama also went a step further, banning words like “Islam” and “Jihad” from the English lexicon.
“Let me be clear,” lectured the Commander-in-Chief on Wednesday, “we can no longer use our nuclear arsenal as a deterrent against attacks. Therefore, we can no longer use words that might offend our new Muslim overlords.”
Capping off his year long campaign against the United States of America, our great leader has finally seized his prize: America’s vast, untapped oil deposits. As most of his followers rejoice, there remain pockets of resistance. These fringe groups are undeniably made up largely of racists and homophobes.
“I thought Obama was an environmentalist!,” shrieked Greenpeace director, Phil Radford, while beating his angry fists into a dying tree. “But he’s BLACK! As black as oil!”
Such angst from people who once worshiped the ground Obama walked on is, to say the least, surprising. Some are even calling the President’s birth into question.
“This man is not the Messiah we were promised,” says Huffington Post commenter and Socialists Against the False Prophet founder, Ira Hailey. “We were led to believe that this half-white, half-black child had descended from the Heavens to lead us to blissful utopia. Now, I think it’s more plausible that he was simply born from a human woman too stupid to realize she could get an abortion.”
Acts of physical violence are feared as the White House ramps up security to counter the growing rage building in its admittedly unstable former base. Bricks of tofu have shattered Congressional office windows and someone spit on Rep. Barney Frank, although he claims that he liked it.
Today President Obama signed the bill that many have pushed for in recent weeks: SIN, or the Shift Into Neutral bill. The bill passed with bipartisan support but was often overlooked in a legislative session that has been dominated by rancor over health care reform.
After seeing the horrible carnage wrought upon America in the past year by runaway vehicles, lawmakers decided it was time to act and save the country from any further damage. Effectively immediately the bill makes failing to shift your car into neutral when it experiences sudden acceleration (worded in the bill as “Toyota Syndrome”) punishable by a $5000 fine and up to ten years in prison.
The bill also establishes a new branch of the federal government to administer the program. Called the SIN Service or SS, it will be funded by a new tax included in the bill. The SIN tax is expected to raise $50 billion a year by establishing sales taxes on pizza, beer, soda, salt, snack cakes, and condoms to a level “That establishes proper and fair obesity justice.”
President Obama claims that the bill will save or create 4,000 American lives per year for the first five years, but White House estimates have that dropping afterwards as the law takes effect.
After the signing he took the chance to publicly remind America that they can save fuel by properly inflating their tires.
Minutes after giving a speech in Port-Au-Prince titled “Free Markets for Free Countries: Why Government Intervention Hurts Rather Than Helps,” Joe Biden found himself stranded in Haiti, a man without a country. The White House refused to comment on the speech, but an unnamed source called the speech “The last straw.”
Reportedly, senior officials were not briefed on the speech, in which Biden said “Government is simply incapable of investing as capably as the private sector,” “Government spending has never worked as a trigger for economic growth” and “Grandiose infrastructure projects will not suddenly transform this country into a Taiwan or Hong Kong. It will take detailed attention to such critical areas as establishing a modern property rights system, a low rate of taxation, and eliminating the current culture of corruption.”
Before he even finished the speech, Biden’s motorcade was seen leaving Port-Au-Prince Stadium at high speed, with the C-130 and C-40 Clipper airplanes that transported him there taking off less than thirty minutes later. Biden later made it to Port-Au-Prince airport on foot, but after arriving was told that without a passport he wouldn’t be allowed to board any flights out of the country.
UN Workers then directed Biden to an aid station where he was able to receive two rice balls, an apple and a juice box. It is unknown where Biden spent the night but during an interview with MSNBC this morning he appeared disheveled and confused. During the interview Biden said he didn’t know why the Secret Service had left him there, but that “Obama must feel I have a lot of work left to do here.”
Repeated attempts to contact the White House for comment have been stonewalled, and no one at the moment appears to know whether or not Biden is still fulfilling his duties as Vice President.
What would normally be a peaceful Sunday morning in Portland, Oregon was shattered by the sound of Converse All-Stars pounding the pavement in unison.
“You better, you better, you’d better not take their Grandma’s sweater!” was the chant as a sea of hipsters shuffled slowly in protest of the new economic sanctions against Iran proposed by the Obama administraton. The controversial proposal placing limits on the import of Pabst Blue Ribbon, fixed-gear bicycles, “Che” t-shirts, Arcade Fire albums, and other items caught the attention of people in coffee shops across the nation.
“I know I voted for Obama, but he is dead wrong on this. It’s time he stood up for the people of Iran,” said James Ivoy from the Pearl District. “Without an ample supply of indie music or Pabst, how are the youth of Iran expected to express their individuality?” asked Robyn “Robo” Bolsard.
Especially virulent were the cyclists, who performed silent track stands in unison every 300 yards. Many were sporting t-shirts that read “Don’t Nix the Fixie” along with a picture of Obama and a finger pointing at him. “We thought about a picture of the President with a circle and slash through him” said Aiden Buke of Hawthorne, “but that was considered too aggro.”
The march continued through downtown Portland for twenty blocks, only stopping once to admire a rare 1978 Chevrolet El Camino.
Although peaceful at the moment, knifework.net promises to monitor this burgeoning movement and provide you with handy tips on how to disperse any protests in your area should this group become violent or slightly motivated.