Al Gore

Ask Amy: The Unadvice

Dear Amy,
I have become increasingly frustrated with my job over the past several months, due to so called ‘emergencies’ constantly interrupting my vacations and golf lessons. In talking with my wife, I discovered that she wrote to you a few weeks ago, and after doing so, felt much better about her problems. So I thought, ‘what the hell? Let’s give this thing a shot.’
I work in a high stress job, where people count on me to get things done. My performance thus far has been stellar, if I do say so myself, but there are people who constantly criticize me. It’s as if nothing I do is good enough for them, no matter how hard I might try.
For instance, there was a catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that occurred, I don’t know, a few days ago I guess. You may have heard about it. Anyway, APPARENTLY I’m supposed to just wave my arms and make it all better. Well, I can’t do that – my arms are simply too sore from yesterday’s round of golf. Besides, I’ve already addressed the nation twice regarding this issue, and I told BP to plug the damn hole. What more can I possibly do?
And look, in the end, isn’t this really just nature’s problem? I figure it’ll work itself out eventually. Oil is a finite resource, after all. Just as a precaution, though, I’ve hired Al Gore as my Environmental Czar. He claims that he has direct access to Gaia (some sort of higher power or something- I don’t know, I’m not very religious). Anyway, I’m inclined to believe him, due to the very official looking charts he showed me.
The on-call masseuse he demanded seemed like a strange request at first, but I hear massages are a good stress reliever. Saving the environment sounds as though it might be a pretty demanding job – and if anyone knows about demanding jobs, it’s me. Which reminds me, I need to check tomorrow’s tee time.
Anyway, then there’s the issue of the recession. I think it’s pretty clear at this point that the stimulus package was a rousing success. I mean honestly, if it weren’t, you would have heard by now. And according to my teleprompter, I’ve saved or created 3 bazillion jobs for the American people – at least, I think that’s what it says. There’s a smudge of what appears to be peanut butter on the screen. How many times do I have to tell Biden to keep his sandwiches away from my teleprompter??
Then, on top of everything else, I’ve got this joker, General McChrystal, insulting my administration during an interview with Rolling Stone.  As this was my first real emergency since being sworn into office, swift action was taken- McChrystal was fired and justice was served. After all, no one insults me, my staff, me, my policies, and especially me and gets away with it. And some people claim I’m not doing a good job of leading the country. Please.
I had plenty of experience leading others back when I used to be a community organizer – and what is America, if not a giant community just begging to be organized? Maybe the problem is that some are resisting too much. If I’m to be a better leader, everyone needs to just shut up and do what I say.
Look, I’m a humble guy. If you were to ask people who the most important person in all of history is, they’d probably say me. Due to my humble nature, though, I’d have to go with Jesus. Now that you know the extent of my humility, you can trust that, if anything, I’ve downplayed my hard work and accomplishments.
Funny story – my wife just walked by and asked what I was doing. I told her I was writing to tell you how fantastic I am. She informed me I was supposed to be asking you for advice. HAH. As if I, the most knowledgeable man in the world, would ever need to ask for advice, especially from someone who’s not even from a more superior country, like Southern America (or what some people still refer to as Mexico). She did have one thing correct though – after putting my many accomplishments down into words, I’ve never felt better about myself!
To celebrate, I’m going to treat myself to a round golf (I hardly ever get to play, you know – I have things to do, unlike that last guy).
Thank you for taking to time to read about the awesome that is me. Or is it you who should be thanking me? Well, you can show your gratitude by not complaining when I raise your taxes.
President Barack H. Obama

Dear President Obama,

I know you didn’t ask me for advice, but I have to at least respond or I’ll be fired.  I would hate for your jobs created/saved to be tarnished in any way, as it’s such an impressive number.  Why, I’ve never even heard of a bazillion!  Your brilliance truly is unmatched.  I guess that’s what a Harvard education will do for you.

I’m certain that you’re doing the absolute best job that you, yourself, are capable of doing.  The American people know you’re not Superman – I’m sure everyone is perfectly happy with the way you’ve handled yourself in the face of an emergency.

Just continue doing things the way you’ve been doing them, and I feel confident that you’ll go down in history as the most memorable POTUS of all time.

If, for some crazy reason, you happen to need advice in the future, feel free to write – I’m pretty good at working an iPod.



Obama Orders Changes To Karate Kid Remake

The old Karate Kid learned today from it’s exclusive Hollywood contacts that President Obama has ordered last minute changes to the remake of the 80′s classic “The Karate Kid”. The original movie features the story of a young boy who through sacrifice, hard work, humility and knowledge overcomes not only his tormentors but his own fear. Once our President got wind of the fact that the 2010 remake stayed true to this story he felt it was necessary to take time away from mediating talks over the possible breakup of the Big 12 Conference and personally intervene so that this new movie would reflect our new American values.

The new movie features Jaden Smith as Dre Parker, a twelve year old tormented by the children of Tea Party members in his neighborhood. Dre turns to Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), a local Asian-American who works for the Census Bureau going door-to-door gathering data for the American Community Survey. Mr. Han has perfected his own martial art through years of dodging violent constitutionalists who wrongly consider the idea of a continuous government data gathering project intrusive and unconstitutional.

Mr. Han initially has Dre perform such menial looking tasks as riding a stationary bicycle to generate electricity, sorting recycling, and collecting oil from restaurants to create biodiesel. However Dre is surprised to learn that all of these activities have helped him to learn essential moves in the art of Tae-Gore-Do, Mr. Han’s martial art.

The new Karate Kid?

The most visible change in the remake is during the finale when Dre fights Johnny, son of the local Tea Party organizer. The “Crane Kick” stance from the original is replaced with the “Oil Soaked Pelican” stance, which enables Dre to demonstrate our new American values of passiveness, environmental awareness, courageous restraint, and inaction during a crisis.

The movie ends with Dre in the hospital recuperating from the injuries he sustained while using Tae-Gore-Do.  The last shot is his doctor (Ezekiel Emanuel) explaining to him that his age and race qualify him for the kidney transplant he requires after his severe beating.

As soon as can get a trailer for this new version we will immediately post it – we know you are as anxious as us to see this exciting new film.

Ask Amy: The Separation

Dear Amy,
My marriage of over 40 years has suddenly fallen apart , and I feel so lost.
I just don’t understand how this could have happened. We’ve been going hot and heavy for years now, and by all indications, things were only getting hotter! I even had some of my peers assess our relationship, and they agreed that the average temperature of our marriage was getting warmer every day.
However, now there are skeptics claiming that our marriage was actually cooling the entire time! Can you believe that? I have chart after chart containing very official data that claims otherwise, so I know this can’t possibly be the case.
Can you help me figure out what went wrong?
P.S. This letter was written on 100% recycled toilet paper. In case you haven’t heard over and over and over again, I’m very concerned about the state of the environment.

Dear Al,

Don’t beat yourself up! Those marriage warming skeptics are being willfully obtuse. Of course your marriage was getting hotter- probably dangerously so! Why, I bet if things had worked out, the heat of your marriage would’ve melted the icy glaciers of her heart by the year 2035.. well, eventually anyway.

Even if there were only extremely rare instances of heat in your marriage, you can certainly count them as proof that the warming trend was totally real and not just a fluke. Why, I bet there were hours – perhaps even days – of research done on the subject before any conclusions were ever even reached.

You know what I think? I think she was deceived by a series of hacked emails that seemed to indicate the warming trend was actually a fraud being perpetrated on society for political and monetary reasons. Which, quite honestly, is laughable.

No matter how revealing and damaging such emails might be, there’s no reason to entertain the idea that they could possibly discredit what can only be described as very scientific research. Am I right? I mean, obviously the comments contained in the emails have merely been taken out of context. Besides, the emails were from, like, ten years ago. And, okay, even if some of the emails were exchanged within the past year, what does that prove? The point is, only a crazy person would say the warming trend isn’t real.

As this series of emails has been the main source of your grief, I feel there is only one logical solution to your dilemma – shut down the internet. That’s right – just shut it down! If it weren’t for the internet, this never would have happened, so you really have no choice but to take back the very thing you bestowed upon society all those years ago.

I’ve spent a couple of hours pondering your dilemma, which is like a year’s worth of research in your world, so you know what I’ve said is valid. I hope this helps you see that you’re not the one with the problem- it’s everyone else .

And that’s it- the advice is settled!

If you need any other advice in the future, such as how to lower your cholesterol or downsize to a smaller home, feel free to write.

Good luck!


P.S. You truly are a friend to the environment. The private jet that you used to deliver your letter is undoubtedly much more efficient than a commercial airplane would have been. Even though you may lecture others constantly, at least you’re not a hypocrite :)

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