New Groups Emerge to Fill Void After Downfall of Coffee Party
Confused Senator Chris Dodd Speaks Out Against “Rehabilitation”
The senior U.S. Senator from Connecticut Christopher Dodd today spoke out against cries for rehabilitation in the U.S. Senate saying that “Now that Teddy is gone my drinking days are behind me”.
Desperate attempts by fellow Democrat lawmakers to explain that the current topic is actually reconciliation, a legislative procedure for bringing budget bills to vote without threat of filibuster, have made no impact on the Senator. “It’s like he’s in another world, one where it’s appropriate to refuse to toe the party line and also run around the chambers in just your underwear.”, said Majority Leader Harry Reid.
“I don’t need help, I need everyone to focus on getting the important health care legislation that my late friend and colleague Ted Kennedy worked so hard on his entire career passed”, said Chris Dodd when asked for comment Wednesday afternoon. He also added “I think these people with the cameras are from that TV show on A&E. If someone breaks out a letter to read to me they’re getting a slap in the face.”
This comes right on the heels of reports that the Republicans face a similar problem with Senator John McCain convinced that “Paygo” is a new piece of legislation aimed at amnesty for illegal aliens.
Obama Goes After the “Pussy-whipped” Demographic
In an apparent attempt to appeal to the overwhelmed house-husbands of America, President Barack Obama openly defied his doctor’s orders Tuesday by eating at an infamous southern restaurant, telling reporters, “I don’t want any lectures about my cholesterol. Don’t tell Michelle.”
I don't just wear the pants, I beat the pants into submission.
The President’s numbers have been in rapid decline ever since becoming President, and he is desperate to find bright spots among likely voters. It seems the demographic he identifies with the most is men aged eighteen to eighty trapped in marriages with overbearing women.
Could the President be taking the advice of leading Republicans to heart? When asked if Obama was trying to boost his numbers one demographic at a time instead of with a broad, sweeping outreach to the entire nation, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said simply, “Don’t tell Mitch McConnell.”
Cable News Networks Ask Help To Root Out Bias
Cable news networks, struggling to keep up in the ratings race, will ask the FCC to investigate charges of bias in their news programming, knifework.net has learned. Cable stalwarts CNN and MSNBC made the joint announcement on Thursday, shortly after the daily White House strategy conference call.
A flurry of press releases indicated that the networks would rely on independent audits from watchdog Media Matters for America and the Federal Communications Commission to find any irregularities in their news coverage.
MSNBC spokesperson Miopia Nostrumus said the network had been made aware of bias charges, but wanted an outside audit. “We’re aware from polling that some in the public have found bias in our reporting, but we sure can’t find it.” Nostrumus pointed to the even-handed style of MSNBC rising star Dylan Ratigan as an example of what she called “people reading bias into” their coverage:
“Calling Ratigan biased based on that clip is frankly just conservative wingnuttery,” Nostrumus said. “That’s like playing with dog whistles, is what that is. I just hope it doesn’t turn into some kind of McCarthy witch hunt.”
CNN Vice President of Media Operations Stu Kintanintiz suggested demographics as a reason for his network’s declining market share. “People are getting older, and not watching TV as much. It’s not the 1980s any more.” He believes an aging population is also more secure than in previous decades. “Not as many people are interested in the news with President Obama in charge and turning the country around,” Kintanintiz noted.
But Kintanintiz could offer no explanation for the perception of bias. “Off the record? I think that’s just an urban myth propped up by corporate propaganda.”
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President Obama: A Man Who Believes in Capitalism
President Barack Obama admitted belief in the free market last week, drawing a fierce response from free market deniers.
“The science is settled on this!” screamed EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson, clarifying the President’s statement. Taking a moment to collect herself , she admitted, “Alright, a consensus of scientists does now believe that a free market exists, but most are convinced man is the cause of it.”
Revealing a graph that looked sort of like a hockey stick, but not really, she proved beyond her own doubt that the implementation of capitalism rose exponentially as mankind evolved from some sort of imaginary primordial goop.
Scientific documentary on the origins of man.
- “Look,” continued Jackson. “Animals share. When dinosaurs roamed the earth, the tyrannosaurus and the triceratops lived in harmony. When the gazelle is hungry, the noble lion invites it to dinner. Only the human species, with one exception, is so bloodthirsty as to invent such a vile thing as Wall St.”
Asked what the exception was, Jackson referenced the peaceful Native American Apache.
The White House was quick to respond to the outcry. Chief of Staff and legendary Jewish Mobster, Rahm Emanuel issued a terse press release, “Just because the President may or may not believe in a so-called ‘free market’ does not mean he has plans to actually support it. If any of you scum-sucking reporters dares to ask him how that can be, I’ll just input FALSE CHOICE into the teleprompter.”
Vice President Biden Shames Critics With Performance
In the wake of the recent Health Care Summit, Critics of the Obama Administration are conceding grudging admiration for Vice President Joseph Biden in his handling of his nearly insurmountable workload.
“He’s making it look easy,” said a former senior member of John McCain’s campaign staff. “Sarah Palin would have made blunders, maybe even quit by now.” Former Alaska Governor Palin was the Republican 2008 Vice Presidential nominee, picked by John McCain to balance the ticket with an actual Republican.
I is not moose.
But his staunchest critics have been forced to say that Biden proved himself prescient in the hours leading up to the President’s Health Care Summit, saying, “This could end up not being good.”
While some expressed skepticism during the 2008 Vice Presidential campaign that Biden was up to the job, he has proved them wrong. Biden himself summed up their error at the Summit. “It’s easy being Vice President,” said the former US Senator from Delaware, shrugging off the crushing weight of the office. Biden then strongly agreed with a summit attendee, who had said, “It’s like being the grandpa and not the parent.”
But it is in the area of deep political strategy that Biden has shown the most grace under pressure. Refusing to allow Republicans to compromise so that they would get credit for handing President Obama a victory, Biden put his foot down. “Either you’re in or you’re out, ” Biden said. The two sides retrenched to their partisan positions, and the Republicans were not able to sacrifice their principles on the altar of political suicide. Mr. Obama was assured of sole responsibility for health care reform, thanks in no part to Biden’s leadership.
Asked if the stress of the office may be taking its toll on the Vice President, aides were surprised. “No, I think he’s positioned himself well for 2012, to continue the Obama success story. He should do almost as well at the top of the ticket as he did in 2008.”
North America Braces for WAR
Tension between the United States of America and Canada continues to escalate at a rapid pace today, following TeamUSA’s 5-3 victory over Canada in Men’s Hockey last night.
On the heels of this morning’s bitter exchange, first reported by this site’s Loren Heal, eye-witnesses report that Canada’s entire Navy has been launched into Lake Ontario.
While Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano could not confirm these reports, proving that the system is still working, she did admit that it was unlikely that the Canadian Skulls team had been confused with Canada’s Navy. “These are the Winter Olympics, after all,” she said, displaying her competence.
Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Barack Obama, who also moonlights as America’s Commander-in-Chief, quickly responded with a brutal apology. “The United States is deeply troubled by Canada’s feelings,” he told a gaggle of star-struck reporters earlier today. “I can only assure them that our victory last night both surprised and ashamed me. We are not trying to dominate France’s Olympics. Look at the Curlers we sent over there.” No one asked him if he meant Canada’s Olympics, as he did not take questions.
The President also went a step further, launching a public relations counterattack to shore up America’s stature with the all-important International Community. “America does not torture! As of right now the United States will no longer engage in Snowboarding.”
Shaun White was then deported to Pakistan.
Meanwhile, Canada’s resolve refuses to waver. Troops have amassed on the border, ready to invade US hospitals for routine tonsillectomies.
Barack Obama quickly switched hats to once again become Doctor-in-Chief and unveil his new Healthcare proposal, further angering his northern neighbors.
“America continues down the path of Imperialism,” blared Canada’s newly appointed general, Bryan Adams. “We will not stand by idly as they attempt to steal our healthcare system.”
The American people, astroturfed by power conglomerate Tea Party, Inc., loudly protested that they did not want Canada’s socialized medicine. This has sent democratic pundits across the country into a frenzy on MSNBC’s talk show panels, further complicating this already precarious situation.
We will continue to keep you updated on developments as they happen.
TeamUSA Hockey Win Prompts Fear of Retaliation
The nation of Canada lies in icy shock today, one day after the large, frozen, partially-civilized country located somewhere near the North Pole suffered a humiliating defeat at the Olympic Games currently being held in Vancouver, British Columbia, which is in Canada.
American defense officials did not comment on rumors that Canada would retaliate militarily after the loss. But there are unconfirmed reports that ice-fishing numbers have dropped suddenly, a well-known sign that Canada is ramping up its vaunted war machine.
“We never suspected they would attack us in an unprovoked way, eh,” said Jacques de Nordiques, spokesman for the Royal Canadian Ministry of War. “We were just skating around, minding our own business, having a Molsen and getting in line for hangover medicine for the morning, when those barbarians scored,” Nordiques continued. “I think for the next generation all Canadians will remember where they were when It Happened.”
But military expert Gen. Fitzgerald N. Pannick, USAF-Ret, was confident about US forces in the area. “Our Biathlon team is up there, and looking to go to work on some live targets, if you know what I mean,” the general said. “We like to go in with an overwhelming force like that when we can.”
But there is still a chance the matter could be resolved peacefully. “We do have embassies open in each other’s countries,” said General Pannick, “and the Olympics are still going on. Open hostilities will probably wait until after the closing ceremonies. We don’t want any collateral damage to friendlies, and I suspect, or hope, that neither do they.”
President Appoints Deficit Commission
Fighting hard against stagnation in the Federal budget deficit, President Obama has commissioned a blue-ribbon panel to recommend ways a commission could study some recommendations for raising taxes.
“Let me be clear: this commission I’m commissioning is not about me,” Mr. Obama said, surprising the audience with his candor. “I take no joy in being forced by the mess I inherited to take this step. But when I came into office at the beginning of my presidency, the deficit was far below the level all economists I talk to recommended to me. I’ve worked hard to get it above $1 trillion.”
“Additional growth in the deficit,” Mr. Obama continued, “is essential to continue the government recovery that stalled under my predecessor.”
It had been rumored that Mr. Obama would denounce the deficit. But in his hourly Youtube address, Mr. Obama made it clear that he could no more do that than ignore his so-called brother in Kenya, disown Reverend Jeremiah Wright whom he’s never actually met, or posture hypocritically about the long term effects of wild spending increases.
If I can't get my face on there...
The president may have been responding to the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office, which forecast that the deficit could shrink below $1 trillion by 2028.
In high-level meetings with the president, CBO budget analysts patiently explained that the forecasts assumed interest rates would stay low. Several pasty-faced, eye-glazed CBO staffers present at the meetings noted that if interest rates go higher, there is a good chance that $1 trillion deficits would seem tiny. As one White House staffer put it, “It’s vital that we allow the deficits to go down after we’re out of office, so that the President’s legacy as the greatest spender of all time is assured. Still, it’s not about the president’s legacy, but getting government back on its feet.”
Tax expert Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner suspects that public fear of economic recovery is getting in the way of government growth. “If you look at some of our Quickbooks projections, it’s clear that the economy can still support more government, even without a crisis. But the public is worried that they’ll have to go back to work soon. We need to raise taxes to take that anxiety off the table.”
An assistant to the press secretary, a blond woman of medium height who lives at 1303 Wilshire Place in Georgetown, revealed off the record that Mr. Obama demanded to know how the deficit could be kept above $1 trillion. While it was clearly not about him, he had to preserve his legacy and insure government growth. The aide gushed that Obama gestured forcefully before he stated that if the deficit falls below $1 trillion, there’s a chance government would be unable to keep rampant economic activity in check.
But Mr. Obama’s legacy is secure, according to Geithner. “No future president will be able to afford this kind of expansion, so his place in history is assured.”
Democrats Are About More Than Jobs
Congressional Democrats have offered up a new Jobs Bill that they say could save up to 30 jobs in the House and 10 in the Senate.
“But let me be clear, this is not just about saving jobs in Congress”, said one source who declined to provide proof of citizenship. “This is also about spending billions of dollars. It’s important to remember that even though saving these 40 jobs is vital to our economy, spending the money is essential to morale here in Washington.”
The bill has garnered bipartisan support, as lawmakers approach the trough from both sides. “There is money to be spent here, and we’re not going to let the Democrats spend it all,” said one Republican Senator. “We want to spend some, too, because we think we can do a better job.”
But not everyone in Washington is happy with the measure. The Blue Dog Democrat caucus, led by Nancy Pelosi, appeared visibly shaken by the small size of the measure. “This is less than $100 billion, and that is just not enough money being spent.” Pelosi vowed to add “at least some money” to help the Air Force in its vital mission of ferrying her children and grandchildren across flyover country. “We’re just trying to help families,” said the Speaker. “American families. These are real people we’re helping, with children, parents. Almost all of the people we help have relatives in their families.”
The bill also contains funding for an extension of unemployment benefits. The measure is considered essential in keeping people from looking for jobs, which would raise unemployment figures. “It’s important to keep that rate below 10%,” said Senator Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas, “Because 10% is bigger than 9.9%.”
Michelle Obama Undertakes Bold Campaign Against Obesity, Encounters Uphill Battle
Michelle Obama is actively trying to convince Americans to get a handle on overweight children, but remains unable to wrap her arms around her husband’s overblown ego.
You're going to eat your vegetables, asshole.
“It is very trying,” the First Lady tells Knifework News. “His obese psyche is really getting out of control. I have tried to put Barack on a healthy diet of economic reports, Gitmo prisoner lists and derailed healthcare legislation, but all he ever wants to eat are the polling data Rahm brings over.”
Other foods that are a favorite of the President include pork, small businesses and taxpayer money.
Mrs. Obama has good cause to worry. Corpulent Ego is a very dire condition that can lead to, among other things, a one-term presidency and an ill-advised sex tape.
“Oh, God!,” exclaimed Mrs. Obama. “Sometimes I think Barry is even worse than John Edwards!”
The First Lady relayed to us that her husband-in-chief once got his head stuck in the bathroom door. According to her, he had stood in front of the mirror for around two hours “practicing that self-righteous smirk of his.” It required 8 Secret Service agents and a carpenter to free him.
The President’s giant ego is understandably taking a toll on the family. At one point during our interview, Mrs. Obama buried her face in her hands and burst into tears.
“Millions of children suffer from obesity,” she said between ragged sobs. “But every single person on the planet is suffering because of my husband’s fat head.”