Ask Amy: The Unadvice
Dear Amy,
I have become increasingly frustrated with my job over the past several months, due to so called ‘emergencies’ constantly interrupting my vacations and golf lessons. In talking with my wife, I discovered that she wrote to you a few weeks ago, and after doing so, felt much better about her problems. So I thought, ‘what the hell? Let’s give this thing a shot.’
I work in a high stress job, where people count on me to get things done. My performance thus far has been stellar, if I do say so myself, but there are people who constantly criticize me. It’s as if nothing I do is good enough for them, no matter how hard I might try.
For instance, there was a catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that occurred, I don’t know, a few days ago I guess. You may have heard about it. Anyway, APPARENTLY I’m supposed to just wave my arms and make it all better. Well, I can’t do that – my arms are simply too sore from yesterday’s round of golf. Besides, I’ve already addressed the nation twice regarding this issue, and I told BP to plug the damn hole. What more can I possibly do?
And look, in the end, isn’t this really just nature’s problem? I figure it’ll work itself out eventually. Oil is a finite resource, after all. Just as a precaution, though, I’ve hired Al Gore as my Environmental Czar. He claims that he has direct access to Gaia (some sort of higher power or something- I don’t know, I’m not very religious). Anyway, I’m inclined to believe him, due to the very official looking charts he showed me.
The on-call masseuse he demanded seemed like a strange request at first, but I hear massages are a good stress reliever. Saving the environment sounds as though it might be a pretty demanding job – and if anyone knows about demanding jobs, it’s me. Which reminds me, I need to check tomorrow’s tee time.
Anyway, then there’s the issue of the recession. I think it’s pretty clear at this point that the stimulus package was a rousing success. I mean honestly, if it weren’t, you would have heard by now. And according to my teleprompter, I’ve saved or created 3 bazillion jobs for the American people – at least, I think that’s what it says. There’s a smudge of what appears to be peanut butter on the screen. How many times do I have to tell Biden to keep his sandwiches away from my teleprompter??
Then, on top of everything else, I’ve got this joker, General McChrystal, insulting my administration during an interview with Rolling Stone. As this was my first real emergency since being sworn into office, swift action was taken- McChrystal was fired and justice was served. After all, no one insults me, my staff, me, my policies, and especially me and gets away with it. And some people claim I’m not doing a good job of leading the country. Please.
I had plenty of experience leading others back when I used to be a community organizer – and what is America, if not a giant community just begging to be organized? Maybe the problem is that some are resisting too much. If I’m to be a better leader, everyone needs to just shut up and do what I say.
Look, I’m a humble guy. If you were to ask people who the most important person in all of history is, they’d probably say me. Due to my humble nature, though, I’d have to go with Jesus. Now that you know the extent of my humility, you can trust that, if anything, I’ve downplayed my hard work and accomplishments.
Funny story – my wife just walked by and asked what I was doing. I told her I was writing to tell you how fantastic I am. She informed me I was supposed to be asking you for advice. HAH. As if I, the most knowledgeable man in the world, would ever need to ask for advice, especially from someone who’s not even from a more superior country, like Southern America (or what some people still refer to as Mexico). She did have one thing correct though – after putting my many accomplishments down into words, I’ve never felt better about myself!
To celebrate, I’m going to treat myself to a round golf (I hardly ever get to play, you know – I have things to do, unlike that last guy).
Thank you for taking to time to read about the awesome that is me. Or is it you who should be thanking me? Well, you can show your gratitude by not complaining when I raise your taxes.
Sincerely,
President Barack H. Obama
Dear President Obama,
I know you didn’t ask me for advice, but I have to at least respond or I’ll be fired. I would hate for your jobs created/saved to be tarnished in any way, as it’s such an impressive number. Why, I’ve never even heard of a bazillion! Your brilliance truly is unmatched. I guess that’s what a Harvard education will do for you.
I’m certain that you’re doing the absolute best job that you, yourself, are capable of doing. The American people know you’re not Superman – I’m sure everyone is perfectly happy with the way you’ve handled yourself in the face of an emergency.
Just continue doing things the way you’ve been doing them, and I feel confident that you’ll go down in history as the most memorable POTUS of all time.
If, for some crazy reason, you happen to need advice in the future, feel free to write – I’m pretty good at working an iPod.
Sincerely,
Amy
Ask Amy: The Opinion
Dear Amy,
I’m writing to you on the recommendation of a friend. After doing a little research and discovering you weren’t Jewish, I decided to take her advice.
I was ambushed a couple of weeks ago by an evil rabbi who asked me what I thought of the Israel / Palestine conflict. I told him I believed the Jews should leave Palestine and go back to Germany and Poland where they belong – I was even nice about it!
Apparently, though, the people in this country are really uptight. I offer one tiny opinion, a few right wingers complain about it, and suddenly I’m out of the job I’ve held for decades. The White House even said I was wrong! Can you believe such persecution exists in the world?
Now people are saying I’m anti-Semitic, which is absolutely not true. Just because I don’t like Jewish people doesn’t mean I’m against them – as long as they live where I tell them to live and don’t talk to or try to approach me, we’ll get along just fine.
Anyway, can you help me understand what was so wrong about what I said?
Thanks for your help,
Helen T.
Dear Helen,
You’re absolutely correct that people can be unreasonable. It’s not like you said something truly offensive, like ‘abortion shouldn’t be legal’. You merely stated an opinion that is shared by much of the world.
I mean really, it would be different if the Jews had occupied the area for thousands of years. But since they totally haven’t, the logical choice for their relocation is Poland or Germany. Why would anyone be offended at being told to move to Germany, what with its delicious beer and rich history?
You must realize that some people are simply looking for reasons to be offended- you can’t go your entire life worrying about such things. Just remember that, in the end, the truly intelligent people see nothing wrong in what you said.
However, I’m not surprised by the White House’s condemnation of your statement. The current administration has worked extremely hard to forge a close relationship with Israel, after all. Besides, President Obama is well known for his diplomacy when it comes to foreign affairs. He would never do anything that might upset another country.
The real shame is that you had to give up your beloved job over these remarks. You were the epitome of what a journalist should be – truly one of the only unbiased reporters left in all of media.
Look on the bright side, though – now that you have all this free time, maybe you can do something really fun with your life. Why, I bet there’s an old house in the woods with your name on it – complete with an oven the perfect size for roasting small children!
Try to enjoy your retirement – and if I find any kids wandering about, I’ll be sure and send them your way!
Good luck,
Amy
Ask Amy: The Separation
Dear Amy,
My marriage of over 40 years has suddenly fallen apart , and I feel so lost.
I just don’t understand how this could have happened. We’ve been going hot and heavy for years now, and by all indications, things were only getting hotter! I even had some of my peers assess our relationship, and they agreed that the average temperature of our marriage was getting warmer every day.
However, now there are skeptics claiming that our marriage was actually cooling the entire time! Can you believe that? I have chart after chart containing very official data that claims otherwise, so I know this can’t possibly be the case.
Can you help me figure out what went wrong?
Yours,
Albert
P.S. This letter was written on 100% recycled toilet paper. In case you haven’t heard over and over and over again, I’m very concerned about the state of the environment.
Dear Al,
Don’t beat yourself up! Those marriage warming skeptics are being willfully obtuse. Of course your marriage was getting hotter- probably dangerously so! Why, I bet if things had worked out, the heat of your marriage would’ve melted the icy glaciers of her heart by the year 2035.. well, eventually anyway.
Even if there were only extremely rare instances of heat in your marriage, you can certainly count them as proof that the warming trend was totally real and not just a fluke. Why, I bet there were hours – perhaps even days – of research done on the subject before any conclusions were ever even reached.
You know what I think? I think she was deceived by a series of hacked emails that seemed to indicate the warming trend was actually a fraud being perpetrated on society for political and monetary reasons. Which, quite honestly, is laughable.
No matter how revealing and damaging such emails might be, there’s no reason to entertain the idea that they could possibly discredit what can only be described as very scientific research. Am I right? I mean, obviously the comments contained in the emails have merely been taken out of context. Besides, the emails were from, like, ten years ago. And, okay, even if some of the emails were exchanged within the past year, what does that prove? The point is, only a crazy person would say the warming trend isn’t real.
As this series of emails has been the main source of your grief, I feel there is only one logical solution to your dilemma – shut down the internet. That’s right – just shut it down! If it weren’t for the internet, this never would have happened, so you really have no choice but to take back the very thing you bestowed upon society all those years ago.
I’ve spent a couple of hours pondering your dilemma, which is like a year’s worth of research in your world, so you know what I’ve said is valid. I hope this helps you see that you’re not the one with the problem- it’s everyone else .
And that’s it- the advice is settled!
If you need any other advice in the future, such as how to lower your cholesterol or downsize to a smaller home, feel free to write.
Good luck!
Amy
P.S. You truly are a friend to the environment. The private jet that you used to deliver your letter is undoubtedly much more efficient than a commercial airplane would have been. Even though you may lecture others constantly, at least you’re not a hypocrite 
Ask Amy: The Press Secretary
Dear Amy,
I work hard in what can only be described as a thankless job.. or is it thinkless? Well, either way, nobody ever gives me the respect I deserve!
Acting as the liaison between POTUS and the media might sound glamorous, but I’m here to tell you – it stinks! Reporters ask me really hard questions (they’re such meanies!), and even though I’m always one hundred percent open and honest in my responses, people constantly question my ‘morals’ and my ‘ethics’.
To top it off, nasty Republicans are making fun of me on Twitter now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at hiding my contempt for them, right?
Anyway, please help me- I know you’ll be able to because you’re the smartest, prettiest, most awesomest answer lady in the whole wide world!!
Sincerely,
Robert Gibbs
Dear Gibbs-
First of all, do you mind if I call you Gibsy? I don’t want to confuse you with my favorite television character.
Second of all, Gibsy, can it with the flattery! I don’t need constant affirmation.. The only people who require such unwarranted praise and affection are those who are narcissistic, self righteous, and possibly a bit sociopathic. That’s not to insinuate that you know, or work directly under, someone who possesses such qualities.
Now, your first order of business is to invest in a dictionary because I don’t think the word ‘honest’ means what you think it means. Also, I realize you operate in the real world, where anti-immigration laws are totally unfair and the Constitution is more of a loose guide than anything else, but there are some who live in a fantasy world and believe government shouldn’t control every single aspect of life. Crazy, huh? So if you want to reach out to these nutjobs, you’re going to have to lower yourself to their level – or, at the very least, fake it. I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of faking it, right?
I would also suggest you jot down a list of possible questions before your next press conference and practice answering them. While such non-responses as ‘uhhhhhh’ and ‘It’s George W. Bush’s fault, duh!’ are perfectly acceptable to the MSM, they should occasionally be interspersed with more thoughtful, in depth answers. Keep those reporters on their toes!
I know it must be difficult working with a media who is so vehemently opposed to the Obama administration, but I think if you follow my advice, you’ll be able to make strides in repairing the rift in your relationship with those unrelenting reporters. If you can win over the media, the rest of the country is sure to follow, due to the high regard in which we hold our journalists (shout out Joe McGinniss!!). Maybe everyone will even stop laughing at you one day.. Hey, anything’s possible!
I’m sure your job is super duper hard, and being grossly underqualified probably doesn’t help, but hopefully my advice will make it a bit easier for you.
And Gibsy, if nothing else, remember this – your mommy will always love you, just like she told you last night when she tucked you into bed.
Your pal,
Amy
Ask Amy: The Retirement
Dear Amy,
Due to the incompetency of others, I recently lost my job of 30 years and now I don’t know what to do!As Senator, serving others has been my life’s passion. I fear that nothing can possibly compare to the accomplishment one feels when voting ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on a piece of legislation.
Do you think I’ll ever find fulfillment again?
Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Your friend,
Arlen
Dear Arlen,
I’m truly sorry about your job loss – people can be so fickle sometimes!
Don’t be discouraged though. You’re entering a new and exciting phase in your life, and I think you’ll find plenty of ways to occupy your time.
The good news is, you can continue to play Solitaire and surf the internet on your home computer. These are undoubtedly activities to which you have become accustomed, considering all the time you’ve spent on the Senate floor. I mean, who really needs to pay attention to another Republican blathering on about healthcare reform? Besides, it’s not like anything they say, no matter how valid or logical, would ever sway you from your predetermined opinion.
If you find yourself becoming bored with reading about those despicable teabaggers, you might consider a part time job as a Walmart greeter. I feel this is a job for which you would be well suited, as your last job consisted mainly of standing around, smiling and waving to people. A few words of caution, though – you’ll have to check receipts, which means you’ll need to brush up on your reading skills, as they haven’t been put to use in quite some time. More importantly, there are two entrances into Walmart – so whichever side you choose, be sure to stay put. For some reason, they don’t like it when you constantly switch sides. Silly, I know.
Finally: take a trip to Vegas! I know you Senators love to gamble, as evidenced by your willingness to vote on bills you’ve never even read. Will it be good or bad for the country? Who knows??!! What a rush that must be! Just be aware that in Vegas you gamble your own money, rather than money belonging to someone else. Or maybe you have some leftover donation money you could use? I mean really, your supporters owe you for failing to get you re-elected. Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time campaign money was used to fund a personal vacation, right? Ha! Suckers.
Well, Arlen, I hope I’ve been of some help to you. Good luck in your future endeavors. Just remember: the world is your oyster, so keep stealing as many of those pearls as you can.
Yours truly,
Amy
Ask Amy: The Dinner Party
Dear Amy,
We held a dinner party recently in honor of some very special guests from Mexico, or as my husband likes to call it: Southern America.
Everything went without a hitch, but the guest of honor kept making snide remarks about our home. I tried to ignore these comments, but then my own husband joined in and agreed!
I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my adult life, I was finally proud of my home. Please help!
Sincerely,
M.O.
Dear M.O.,
No need to feel conflicted – the pride you’re feeling is totally understandable! Your husband and his Mexican guest are justified in bashing the United States, as it is light years away from reaching the civility enjoyed in Mexico.
Heck, compared to them, we’re practically a third world country. I mean honestly, when was the last time you were able to enjoy a piña colada at a swim-up bar in the United States? This is the type of luxury that can be found in every major Mexican city.
Mexico also understands the meaning of the phrase “basic human rights.” They would never create an immigration law such as the one passed in Arizona.
I recently took a trip to the idyllic border town of Ciudad Juárez, where not once was I stopped and asked to show my papers. I think they must celebrate non-stop down there, because the sound of fireworks was constant. I was never able to track down the party, but judging by all the exuberant yelling and cheering I heard, it must be the greatest place on earth – certainly better than any U.S. city I’ve ever visited!
And let me remind you of the way we treat drug dealers in this country – like they’re common criminals, when they’re merely trying to provide for their families. I think we need to adopt Mexico’s policy of treating them with consideration and respect- after all, drug dealers are people too. Besides, if handled properly, the drug trade can really help to improve a country’s economy, as evidenced by Mexico’s practically non-existent poverty rate.
If you’ve never visited Mexico on vacation, I recommend you plan a trip. Personally, I’ve been to both Cancun and Cozumel. It’s a beautiful country- and one that the United States would be lucky to emulate. If every day in the U.S. were as relaxing as the ones I’ve spent in Mexico, I think daily stress would disappear, just like my best friend did when we strayed too far from the resort. I can’t even begin to describe how safe one feels when armed guards are patrolling the beaches. If only the United States would take such precautions – crime and corruption would disappear, just like it has in Mexico!
So, M.O., don’t be ashamed of these feelings of pride you’ve been experiencing. After all, a true patriot only wants what is best for their country – and it’s quite clear that the best thing for the United States is to do everything exactly as Mexico does.
And you know what they say- imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Maybe Mexico will be so touched, they’ll invite us to the party in Juarez!
Adiós!
Amy