Satire

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Obama Still Refusing To Release Death Photo

Tragedy struck the White House Thursday when Che, the goldfish of President Obama’s daughter Sasha, was reportedly found floating on its side at the top of it’s bowl by Secret Service during a routine security sweep. The official story from the White House is that Che perished from an untreated case of Chilodonella.  Dr. Ezekiel Emanual, resident White House veterinarian stated that Che was denied care for his disease because he had already fulfilled the maximum happiness quotient he could provide calculated via the CLSFP, or Complete Lives System For Pets. Dr. Emanual went further and said that Che would been euthanized in the next two months anyway, since in his old age all he did was “just float there”.

Conspiracy theorists on the internet have been slow to accept this story since rumors have long been running rampant that rogue Secret Service agents exist within the White House protection team. Adding fuel to the fire was a tweet from one @WHprotectiondude53 which stated “Just shot Rosebud’s fish, he jumped right out at me.” Although screenshots of the tweet exist, the account was closed shortly afterward.

The conspiracy theorists, who have been deemed “Fishers” by the media, are demanding that the White House release the photos that are known to have been taken of Che floating at the top of the fish bowl. They state that without seeing for themselves the signs of Chilodonella, such as clamped fins and a light-blue skin tone, there is no way to know for sure if that’s what really killed him, especially since Che, in accordance with traditional goldfish custom, was flushed down the toilet minutes later by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, widely known to be the least squeamish person in the White House.

Worse yet, pictures purported to be of Che with a fatal gunshot wound to the torso have already surfaced on the internet:

Che

The Obama administration refuses to release photo of the dead Che because they claim doing so would offend known terrorist groups inside the United States, such as PETA and the Animal Liberation Front.  “We don’t want anymore unwashed hippies getting naked in public parks and causing commotion over one photo, I think. I would also like a donut and a teddy bear and did you know what there are three people wearing red shirts in this room?” said White House spokesman Jay Carney.

Fisher activist Donald Trump has vowed to fight for access to the photo, even filing a FOIA request this afternoon and stating “It’s vitally important to the integrity of this country and it’s constitution that we find out whether or not this goldfish died of natural causes or if it was brutally assassinated by black-op government hit squad.”

Knifework.net promises to keep you abreast of this breaking story as long as we can remain above water.

President Obama Present at Bin Laden Meeting

Sources tell Knifework News that President Obama was physically present in the room when he and administration staff watched the SEAL team perform the assault on the compound holding Osama Bin Laden.

Photo Courtesy AP and HuffPo

Staff minimized the risk to the nation having Obama present, saying he was often located in a particular place at a certain point in time.

Physically Present in the Room

Boldly seated in the situation room, President Obama exercised decisive leadership in being in the same room when the order was given to kill Osama bin Laden. “When the order came down from [known militarist Leon] Panetta,” aides said of Obama, “he was just amazing, sitting there quietly in his chair. His ability to just be there is truly is inspirational.”

None are more physically accounted for than Obama, who as President lives in the White House, and gets his postal mail delivered there.

Everyone Noticed Him

In what high-ranking members of the media have called a “gutsy move“, the President occupied his chair almost from the beginning of the meeting. “We all knew who he was, and it was made even more clear when he started saying quietly, in that statesmanlike way of his, ‘I am the president.’”

There is speculation that the president even spoke on several occasions, asking to have objects brought to him, further proving his actual presence in a real way.

Bakeries to Change Slice Procedures

With increased price pressure, bakeries in Illinois have begun shipping lighter and lighter loaves. Some have altered their procedures for slicing loaves of bread, even eliminating the expensive and hazardous slicing procedure altogether.

“The size of loaves has become too small to slice,” said Hugh G. Grist, production manager at Mercury Food Products, a bakery and compact fluorescent light bulb factory in Samsonite, Illinois. “It’s a safety issue, really.”

Several new loaves arranged in a pretty way on a plate

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Nobel Committee to Strip Obama of Prize

Oslo (KW) – The Nobel Prize Committee of Five has announced that it is requesting the return of the Peace Prize it awarded US President Barack Obama in 2009.  The committee made the rare decision based on what it called “atrocious and grievous violations” involved in tournament selections. Continue reading

Dick Blumenthal (D-CT) Correct on a Resume Item

U.S. Senator from Connecticut Dick Blumenthal has been found to be correct in citing an item of his work history. It turns out that Blumenthal actually is a member of the Senate, as he has been telling reporters since being sworn in last month.

Blumenthal has long been rumored to have been accurate on other items of his resume, but this is the clearest confirmation to date.

Blumenthal aides, speaking on condition of not having their name linked to Blumenthal, noted that the Senator is often correct about his resume.  “He gets it right over half the time,” estimated one staffer.

Implant Allows Volunteers to Speak Directly With God

Engineers working at the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) have developed specialized implants to allow spiritual communication for those engaged in jihad against the United States and the West.  Sources close to the agency indicate the implants could finally allow us to get inside the heads of enemy forces on the battlefield, helping to end the worldwide conflict with radical Islam more quickly than previously thought possible.

The implants are specifically designed to be injected into the forehead. When properly installed, an implant will allow any jihad-inspired terrorist to speak to God directly at any time.

As the products come in various sizes, from 4 to 13 millimeters, the appropriate implant size will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also perform the injection of the device beneath the skin.

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Obama Administration Announces National Service Guidelines

In response to public interest in the TSA’s latest screening procedures, the Obama Administration has announced that henceforth all adults aged 3 to 31 will spend a year in a new National Service Corps. The announcement came at a joint press conference which featured an “all hands on deck” segment led by  President Barack Obama  and Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.

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DNC Unveils New Logo: Party Members Overcome with Excitement

 

"There's a D - with a circle around it!"

“There’s a D – with a circle around it!”

Yesterday, Democrats across the nation waited breathlessly for the DNC to reveal what was promised to be a revolutionary change – one that would bring about a renewed sense of excitement not felt since the days leading up to the 2008 election.  They would not be left disappointed.  Much to the delight of the entire Democratic Party, the DNC revealed a brand new logo – a move that is sure to motivate Democrats like never before!

Maurice Smithson, of Buffalo, NY – and head of the local area Coffee Party – had this to say about the unprecedented change: 

“When we first heard that the DNC had a major announcement planned, we knew it would be game changing, but never in our wildest dreams did we think it would be something so epic as a new logo!  This is just the push we needed to get our party back on track.  As soon as I heard the news, I immediately began making phone calls to people who had recently become disenchanted with party leaders. It was unanimous- every single person I spoke with said this new logo has restored their faith in the DNC. I mean, have you seen it?  There’s a D – with a circle around it!  It truly is amazing. I just can’t believe I’ve lived long enough to experience something so beautiful.” 

The remainder of Mr. Smithson’s statement is unintelligible due to the sobbing, but it’s safe to say his passion for the new logo is shared by all Democrats. 

We spoke to Michael Steele, chairman of the Republican National Committee, to get his thoughts on this recent turn of events. 

“There is cause for concern, of course.  We’ve heard reports of Coffee Party rallies this morning, where attendance was in the dozens.  At this rate, their membership will be in the triple digits by the next election.  Don’t count out the Republican Party, though.  We have a few changes up our sleeve, as well.” 

When pressed on the matter, Steele wouldn’t go into specifics, but he did leave us with this hint: 

“Trust me when I say- telephone hold music is about to be taken to a whole new level.” 

Exciting!

Obama Declares Jihad on Economy

Facing difficulties retaining qualified personnel for his economic team, President Barack Hussein Obama today declared he was taking personal control over all economic decisions emanating from the White House.

“As I have stated before, Islam has always been part of America and American Muslims have made extraordinary contributions to our country. However it is my belief that we have not made proper use of the financial beliefs of Islam in dealing with our current economic crisis. Although I am not a Muslim, I can proudly say that today I am declaring Jihad on this crippled economy that I inherited.” said President Obama in a speech from the White House Rose Garden.

President Obama said that the provisions of Executive Order 13528 should provide a “firm and vigorous boost” to the US economy nearly immediately.  ”The spirit of Islamic finance is to promote social justice by banning exploitative practices, something I have always striven to achieve. Effective immediately it is now illegal to collect interest in the United States, invest in the stocks of any so-called “public” corporations, or produce pornography or pork products. Islam is a belief that’s based on submission, dedication and humbleness, instead of the evil motive of profit that has created our current debacle.” said Obama.

Other contentious regulations in the Executive Order include the penalty of stoning for initiating foreclosure against a homeowner, the banning of Fractional-reserve banking, and the appointment of Rashad Hussain as the head of the new ZJA (Zakat and Jizya Agency), replacing the old IRS.

Economists say that a immediate ten to twenty thousand fold depletion in the available money supply will have a crushing effect on inflation, however it will reward those who have profited from interest on accumulated savings, a forbidden practice in Islam. Hence all 401k accounts will be immediately confiscated and placed in government receivership under EO 13528. Chris Kuehl, Managing Director for Armada Corporate Intelligence told Knifework.net that this was justified because as it is stated in the Quran “O you who believe! Lo! many of the rabbis and the monks devour the wealth of mankind wantonly and debar men from the way of Allah. They who hoard up gold and silver and spend it not in the way of God, unto them give tidings (O Muhammad) of a painful doom” (Quran 9:34), Insha Allah!

Economic benefits were immediately noticed after the speech, when foreign investment in United States real estate increased dramatically. We at Knifework.net wish President Obama, peace be upon him, all the luck in his latest endeavor.

Poll: Most Americans Hope Hurricane Earl Slams into Washington DC

Anger among average Americans is rearing its ugly head in many ways with a new CBS Poll being the latest example. Based on a sampling of 300,000,000 Americans, 85% answered “YES” when asked if they would like Hurricane Earl to hit the Capitol Building and The White House.

Hurrican Earl Slams DC

Our art department was too lazy to photoshop in a hurricane. You get the idea, though.

Congressional members expressed “shock and dismay” at the results with Nancy Pelosi saying, “We have to investigate these people.” John McCain called the Poll “a personal insult that demonstrates a disturbing lack of respect from the friends we rule….I mean represent!” President Obama was overheard telling an aid, “Hey I’m not afraid of Earl…bring him on! I’ll kiss…oops, I mean, kick his ass. It’ll be my number one priority!”

Although latest weather models remain inconclusive, it is estimated that the storm may indeed reach much of the East Coast and in some cities authorities are already moving buses to locations where they are guaranteed to be underwater and useless.

EPA Offers Compromise Regulations on Everything

In what is seen as a compromise with hard-line Republicans in Congress, the EPA has backed away from its plans to regulate all forms of matter.  While still holding true to Obama Administration policy of regulating everything in existence, the agency will promulgate regulations on only certain forms of everything.

“Due to Congressional oversight, we lack jurisdiction on some items.  So this is a positive move if we in looking across our necks can think,” said an EPA spokesperson, speaking through an interpreter.  “We feel confident that regulation of all forms of matter safely and effectively can by us be done, but toward proper universal regulation this is the first day of a long journey.”

EPA scientists have long gathered lists of all types of objects, but have struggled in the past with categorizing those which can be regulated, the types of regulation that are proper for each item, and with prioritizing recommendations. “In these times of fiscal austerity, with budgets not even doubling year to year, we have had to choose our best donkey”, said the EPA. “This reform makes some of that job unnecessary. ”

The new task for the team of experts in the field of everything regulation will be deciding what form matter can take before it is regulated. There is significant debate about whether an object’s solid, liquid, or gaseous state should determine its ultimate status as far as the EPA is concerned.

Professor Olliver Oxenfree of  Yourpharmasource.com University is skeptical of the changes. “There is no way to ensure social justice in this flawed process of everything regulation.  “The bottom line is we feel strongly that regulation is the right of all objects, at the subatomic level.  Trying to regulate based on chemical makeup or physical state is a discredited methodology, and more importantly, may fail to include  some objects altogether. “

Michelle “Antoinette” Obama Sets Frantic Vacation, Campaign Schedule

Democrats are planning to give First Lady Michelle “Antoinette” Obama a plus-sized role in the fall campaign season. After sitting in on a European vacation seminar in Spain, First Lady Michelle “Antoinette” Obama will return to America to lead by example in the vital area of GOTV – Gorging On The Vacation.

The Obamas have several vacation stays planned in the U.S., as well. Yet Politico reports that despite her frenzied pace, Mrs. Obama will still find time to campaign to keep her man in power.

Some analysts were skeptical that Michelle “Antoinette” Obama could really deliver the Republican House majority her husband needs for his 2012 campaign. But according to lifelong Democrat and Obama strategist Harry Mauler, “We need a big presence in the Congressional races — and no one is bigger than M.A.O.”

MAO is always determined to be the bigger person

“There are still some Republicans and Independents — mostly CBS viewers — who don’t get the news and  have not been alienated by the President’s handling of the economy, health care, the military, the Gulf oil spill, and taxes,” Mauler intimated.  She’s going to finish the job.”

One of the most important lessons learned by the woman behind the President is that ordinary people have to carefully watch their travel budget.

In Spain Obama saw first hand the troubles facing desk clerks, waiters, massage therapists, pastry chefs, and other young men. Her heart was moved, according to sources, who denied rumors that she spent hours consoling each of them in her suite, often two or three at once. Aides noted that “there is plenty of Michelle to go around.”

Things may be somewhat different for planned vacation stays on the Gulf Coast and at Martha’s Vineyard. “But there will still be golf outings for the President, a perfect time for her to sample the local talent.”

PRESS RELEASE: Obama Administration clears itself of wrongdoing(s)

THE WHITE HOUSE

Office of the Press Secretary
_________________________________________________
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Sunday , July 25, 2010, 10:35 pm

Obama Administration clears itself of wrongdoing(s)

President Obama today announces the results of multiple internal investigations being conducted by the White House. The President is pleased to report that his track record as President remains unblemished, except for that B+ he magnanimously gave himself on teh Oprah Show that one time.

- John F. Kennedy Assassination: Despite sympathizing with Mr. Oswald’s opposition to President Kennedy’s anti-Castro policies, the White House officially condemns all acts of violence, unless you’re the sovereign nation of Iran just trying to keep the peace by murdering your citizens in the streets. Besides, at the time of the assassination, Mr. Obama was just a child who was still merely destined to be the greatest President in the history of time and wielded no ascertainable power over adults. Also, Glenn Beck set us up.

- The 2004 Tsunami: This was clearly the product of former President Bush’s environmental policies. This administration believes that if earthquakes had been regulated to oceanic waters at least 5000 feet deep, all the death and destruction caused by the tsunami would have been avoided.

- Haiti Earthquake: Despite what President Obama’s fans might think, President Obama is not God. Not that anyone here believes in God.  In conclusion, George Bush.

- Deepwater Horizon Oil Leak: Our investigation has determined that because former President Bush waited for four days to respond after Hurricane Katrina, President Obama is therefore without fault for actively doing nothing for three months in the wake of the devastating oil spill. Nonetheless, the President’s response to the loss of approximately 3,000,000 barrels of this valuable natural resource is to continue pursuing the largest energy tax increase in our nation’s history.

- Childhood Obesity: We don’t even need to investigate to know that this is the fault of that big, fat dummy Rush Limbaugh. Everyone knows that capitalism leads to wealth and excess and Mr. Limbaugh is the poster boy for all those spoiled, rich, fat, white children who sit around all day watching television and eating junk food because their parents are too busy working to be proper parents. Nonetheless, the First Lady is working around the clock on this issue and is even considering taking a Nutrition 101 class down at the community college.

- The Shirley Sherrod Affair: Our investigation has determined that since Fox News is inherently evil, the White House cannot be held responsible for its knee-jerk political reactions in anticipation of what the inherently evil Fox News might inherently evilly report.

- Lockerbie Bomber Release: The White House feels that it can hardly be blamed for accepting without question the diagnosis of a DHS doctor employed by the Scottish prison system. It is common knowledge that when a government-employed doctor tells you that you’re going to die, you can take that prognostication to the bank. In fact, you should probably assume as much before even going in. Regardless, this administration feels that acting compassionately was the more prudent course of action considering Mr. Abdel Baset al-Megrahi wasn’t sentenced to “life life.”

- Alvin Greene: We endorsed the other guy.

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