In response to public interest in the TSA’s latest screening procedures, the Obama Administration has announced that henceforth all adults aged 3 to 31 will spend a year in a new National Service Corps. The announcement came at a joint press conference which featured an “all hands on deck” segment led by President Barack Obama and Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.
“There’s a D – with a circle around it!”
Yesterday, Democrats across the nation waited breathlessly for the DNC to reveal what was promised to be a revolutionary change – one that would bring about a renewed sense of excitement not felt since the days leading up to the 2008 election. They would not be left disappointed. Much to the delight of the entire Democratic Party, the DNC revealed a brand new logo – a move that is sure to motivate Democrats like never before!
Maurice Smithson, of Buffalo, NY – and head of the local area Coffee Party – had this to say about the unprecedented change:
“When we first heard that the DNC had a major announcement planned, we knew it would be game changing, but never in our wildest dreams did we think it would be something so epic as a new logo! This is just the push we needed to get our party back on track. As soon as I heard the news, I immediately began making phone calls to people who had recently become disenchanted with party leaders. It was unanimous- every single person I spoke with said this new logo has restored their faith in the DNC. I mean, have you seen it? There’s a D – with a circle around it! It truly is amazing. I just can’t believe I’ve lived long enough to experience something so beautiful.”
The remainder of Mr. Smithson’s statement is unintelligible due to the sobbing, but it’s safe to say his passion for the new logo is shared by all Democrats.
We spoke to Michael Steele, chairman of the Republican National Committee, to get his thoughts on this recent turn of events.
“There is cause for concern, of course. We’ve heard reports of Coffee Party rallies this morning, where attendance was in the dozens. At this rate, their membership will be in the triple digits by the next election. Don’t count out the Republican Party, though. We have a few changes up our sleeve, as well.”
When pressed on the matter, Steele wouldn’t go into specifics, but he did leave us with this hint:
“Trust me when I say- telephone hold music is about to be taken to a whole new level.”
Facing difficulties retaining qualified personnel for his economic team, President Barack Hussein Obama today declared he was taking personal control over all economic decisions emanating from the White House.
“As I have stated before, Islam has always been part of America and American Muslims have made extraordinary contributions to our country. However it is my belief that we have not made proper use of the financial beliefs of Islam in dealing with our current economic crisis. Although I am not a Muslim, I can proudly say that today I am declaring Jihad on this crippled economy that I inherited.” said President Obama in a speech from the White House Rose Garden.
President Obama said that the provisions of Executive Order 13528 should provide a “firm and vigorous boost” to the US economy nearly immediately. ”The spirit of Islamic finance is to promote social justice by banning exploitative practices, something I have always striven to achieve. Effective immediately it is now illegal to collect interest in the United States, invest in the stocks of any so-called “public” corporations, or produce pornography or pork products. Islam is a belief that’s based on submission, dedication and humbleness, instead of the evil motive of profit that has created our current debacle.” said Obama.
Other contentious regulations in the Executive Order include the penalty of stoning for initiating foreclosure against a homeowner, the banning of Fractional-reserve banking, and the appointment of Rashad Hussain as the head of the new ZJA (Zakat and Jizya Agency), replacing the old IRS.
Economists say that a immediate ten to twenty thousand fold depletion in the available money supply will have a crushing effect on inflation, however it will reward those who have profited from interest on accumulated savings, a forbidden practice in Islam. Hence all 401k accounts will be immediately confiscated and placed in government receivership under EO 13528. Chris Kuehl, Managing Director for Armada Corporate Intelligence told Knifework.net that this was justified because as it is stated in the Quran “O you who believe! Lo! many of the rabbis and the monks devour the wealth of mankind wantonly and debar men from the way of Allah. They who hoard up gold and silver and spend it not in the way of God, unto them give tidings (O Muhammad) of a painful doom” (Quran 9:34), Insha Allah!
Economic benefits were immediately noticed after the speech, when foreign investment in United States real estate increased dramatically. We at Knifework.net wish President Obama, peace be upon him, all the luck in his latest endeavor.
Anger among average Americans is rearing its ugly head in many ways with a new CBS Poll being the latest example. Based on a sampling of 300,000,000 Americans, 85% answered “YES” when asked if they would like Hurricane Earl to hit the Capitol Building and The White House.
Congressional members expressed “shock and dismay” at the results with Nancy Pelosi saying, “We have to investigate these people.” John McCain called the Poll “a personal insult that demonstrates a disturbing lack of respect from the friends we rule….I mean represent!” President Obama was overheard telling an aid, “Hey I’m not afraid of Earl…bring him on! I’ll kiss…oops, I mean, kick his ass. It’ll be my number one priority!”
Although latest weather models remain inconclusive, it is estimated that the storm may indeed reach much of the East Coast and in some cities authorities are already moving buses to locations where they are guaranteed to be underwater and useless.
In what is seen as a compromise with hard-line Republicans in Congress, the EPA has backed away from its plans to regulate all forms of matter. While still holding true to Obama Administration policy of regulating everything in existence, the agency will promulgate regulations on only certain forms of everything.
“Due to Congressional oversight, we lack jurisdiction on some items. So this is a positive move if we in looking across our necks can think,” said an EPA spokesperson, speaking through an interpreter. “We feel confident that regulation of all forms of matter safely and effectively can by us be done, but toward proper universal regulation this is the first day of a long journey.”
EPA scientists have long gathered lists of all types of objects, but have struggled in the past with categorizing those which can be regulated, the types of regulation that are proper for each item, and with prioritizing recommendations. “In these times of fiscal austerity, with budgets not even doubling year to year, we have had to choose our best donkey”, said the EPA. “This reform makes some of that job unnecessary. ”
The new task for the team of experts in the field of everything regulation will be deciding what form matter can take before it is regulated. There is significant debate about whether an object’s solid, liquid, or gaseous state should determine its ultimate status as far as the EPA is concerned.
Professor Olliver Oxenfree of Yourpharmasource.com University is skeptical of the changes. “There is no way to ensure social justice in this flawed process of everything regulation. “The bottom line is we feel strongly that regulation is the right of all objects, at the subatomic level. Trying to regulate based on chemical makeup or physical state is a discredited methodology, and more importantly, may fail to include some objects altogether. “
Democrats are planning to give First Lady Michelle “Antoinette” Obama a plus-sized role in the fall campaign season. After sitting in on a European vacation seminar in Spain, First Lady Michelle “Antoinette” Obama will return to America to lead by example in the vital area of GOTV – Gorging On The Vacation.
The Obamas have several vacation stays planned in the U.S., as well. Yet Politico reports that despite her frenzied pace, Mrs. Obama will still find time to campaign to keep her man in power.
Some analysts were skeptical that Michelle “Antoinette” Obama could really deliver the Republican House majority her husband needs for his 2012 campaign. But according to lifelong Democrat and Obama strategist Harry Mauler, “We need a big presence in the Congressional races — and no one is bigger than M.A.O.”
“There are still some Republicans and Independents — mostly CBS viewers — who don’t get the news and have not been alienated by the President’s handling of the economy, health care, the military, the Gulf oil spill, and taxes,” Mauler intimated. She’s going to finish the job.”
One of the most important lessons learned by the woman behind the President is that ordinary people have to carefully watch their travel budget.
In Spain Obama saw first hand the troubles facing desk clerks, waiters, massage therapists, pastry chefs, and other young men. Her heart was moved, according to sources, who denied rumors that she spent hours consoling each of them in her suite, often two or three at once. Aides noted that “there is plenty of Michelle to go around.”
Things may be somewhat different for planned vacation stays on the Gulf Coast and at Martha’s Vineyard. “But there will still be golf outings for the President, a perfect time for her to sample the local talent.”
THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Sunday , July 25, 2010, 10:35 pm
Obama Administration clears itself of wrongdoing(s)
President Obama today announces the results of multiple internal investigations being conducted by the White House. The President is pleased to report that his track record as President remains unblemished, except for that B+ he magnanimously gave himself on teh Oprah Show that one time.
- John F. Kennedy Assassination: Despite sympathizing with Mr. Oswald’s opposition to President Kennedy’s anti-Castro policies, the White House officially condemns all acts of violence, unless you’re the sovereign nation of Iran just trying to keep the peace by murdering your citizens in the streets. Besides, at the time of the assassination, Mr. Obama was just a child who was still merely destined to be the greatest President in the history of time and wielded no ascertainable power over adults. Also, Glenn Beck set us up.
- The 2004 Tsunami: This was clearly the product of former President Bush’s environmental policies. This administration believes that if earthquakes had been regulated to oceanic waters at least 5000 feet deep, all the death and destruction caused by the tsunami would have been avoided.
- Deepwater Horizon Oil Leak: Our investigation has determined that because former President Bush waited for four days to respond after Hurricane Katrina, President Obama is therefore without fault for actively doing nothing for three months in the wake of the devastating oil spill. Nonetheless, the President’s response to the loss of approximately 3,000,000 barrels of this valuable natural resource is to continue pursuing the largest energy tax increase in our nation’s history.
- Childhood Obesity: We don’t even need to investigate to know that this is the fault of that big, fat dummy Rush Limbaugh. Everyone knows that capitalism leads to wealth and excess and Mr. Limbaugh is the poster boy for all those spoiled, rich, fat, white children who sit around all day watching television and eating junk food because their parents are too busy working to be proper parents. Nonetheless, the First Lady is working around the clock on this issue and is even considering taking a Nutrition 101 class down at the community college.
- The Shirley Sherrod Affair: Our investigation has determined that since Fox News is inherently evil, the White House cannot be held responsible for its knee-jerk political reactions in anticipation of what the inherently evil Fox News might inherently evilly report.
- Lockerbie Bomber Release: The White House feels that it can hardly be blamed for accepting without question the diagnosis of a DHS doctor employed by the Scottish prison system. It is common knowledge that when a government-employed doctor tells you that you’re going to die, you can take that prognostication to the bank. In fact, you should probably assume as much before even going in. Regardless, this administration feels that acting compassionately was the more prudent course of action considering Mr. Abdel Baset al-Megrahi wasn’t sentenced to “life life.”
- Alvin Greene: We endorsed the other guy.
Progressive rule has been, by all White House accounts, a resounding success. Despite this, Democrats are bracing for a very unforgiving election this November.
How can this be, many in the party are asking themselves. The answer is simple. They just can not shake the stigma that the left is made up predominantly of rapists.
But is this, as many Democrats protest, nothing but an evil smear unfairly attached to them by the owner of this website? Absolutely not. This falls under the category of Baseless Attacks. When one consults the Rulebook, they find that these are deemed to be completely acceptable.
As such, I am under no obligation to prove the undeniable truth that the vast majority of Democrats harbor rapist tendencies, but I will present some hard evidence anyway. And I challenge, no defy, anyone who disagrees to prove that Democrats are not past, present or perhaps future rapists.
An exhaustive study conducted by Rape Relations in America, a not-for-profit research center that I made up five minutes ago for the express purpose of backing up my accusation, concluded that 99.9% of Democrats have never apologized for being a rapist.
This in itself is very disturbing.
Furthermore, as I revealed in a public statement last night, attendees of a Coffee Party rally groped me as I walked through the crowd. Several times they called me a “cracker” and a “grade-A piece of meat.” Even though there were dozens of TV news cameras in the immediate vicinity, there is unfortunately no video evidence of this event. However, this guy irrefutably substantiates my claim:
Beyond my own personal experiences, any rational human being will tell you that just speaking with a registered Democrat will convince you that they are probably a rapist at heart. Their tones and patterns of speech reveal a darkness that simply can not be denied. Listen as they contemptuously rant about Sarah Palin. Why? Because they disagree with her political ideology? Preposterous! The only logical conclusion is that they disparage and objectify her for being a woman, the hallmark of any true rapist.
But does this rapism go beyond the party faithful, all the way up into the highest levels of Democratic leadership? I submit that it very well could. And therefore does.
Recently, the longest serving member of Congress passed away. Senator Robert Byrd was a former and repentant racist (not rapist, but who knows?). Who could say whether or not the longest currently-serving Congressman, John Dingell, Jr., has ever raped or is capable of rape? In fact, I would say that every sitting Democratic politician is at the very least capable of rape. Except for maybe the frail and spindly Henry Waxman.
As Scott Johnson, self-professed expert on pretty much everything tells me, “To my knowledge, no Democrat has ever condemned the rapes we all know they have committed.”
Investigating this claim, I called my Senator’s office at 2:25 pm. I asked to speak with Kay Hagan (D-NC) and was told she was not in the office. I then related to the staffer the contents of this story and asked if Senator Hagan was prepared to officially denounce, repudiate and condemn the rampant rapism within the Democratic party. I was immediately hung up on.
Make of that what you will.
Atkins Nutritionals proudly announced today that it has successfully signed King Shamir Shabazz as it’s new spokesperson, winning the much publicized and very heated bidding war with the South Beach Diet Partnership. Currently serving as the head of the Philadelphia chapter of the New Black Panther Party, Shamir is famous for his vehement hatred of carbohydrates in all of their forms, and his thin figure is the envy of overweight suburban males nationwide.
“We could find no one else in the public eye with the same passion for a low-carb diet, save perhaps Twitter celebrity Erika Dorsey,” explained Larry Sonderson, head of advertising for Atkins Nutritionals.
“We eventually eliminated her because of her radical conservative political views that our target audience of middle to upper-class white adults with kids just can’t identify with. Once Shamir was cleared of all charges by Attorney General Eric Holder for supposed voter intimidation we had to jump right on before he was snatched from us,” he added.
The exact amount that Mr. Shabazz is being renumerated for as a spokesperson is a highly guarded secret by Atkins Nutritionals, but almost anything should be a nice increase from the $17,621 dollars that Mr. Shabazz claimed as income on his 2009 Federal taxes.
The text of King Shamir’s latest press release displays the fiery tenacity and single-minded drive that earned him this new contract:
LISTEN UP CRACKAS! I’m here for one purpose, and that’s to KILL CRACKAS! You wanna know why you’re fat? TOO MANY CRACKAS! I don’t care how many crackas I have to kill, I don’t even care if I have to kill some cracka babies. Speaking of babies, have you seen that cracka Jason Alexander? He looks like a fat cracka baby! Why are you speaking for Jenny Craig fat boy? I’m coming for you chubby cracka boy, you and that busted ass donut chomping hoochie Sara Rue. There’s only one diet for a black man, and that’s the Atkin’s diet. You don’t see my skinny ass walking down the street with a cracka in each hand, do you?
Ever since the announcement, critics have been quick to point out that Atkins Nutritionals still hasn’t recovered from it’s 2005 bankruptcy filing and that people don’t have the disposable income to eat a high protein diet in the current economy. Barry Sears of The Zone Diet even pointed out via email that “If you look closely at Shamir he has a big gut, he just hides it with all of that black clothing. I think this is just an attempt to steal the thunder from the Kwanzaa Bar® that I’m launching later on this year.”
Knifework.net promises to keep you informed on all developments with the new ad campaign and to never attempt to vote again.
In a shocking speech this afternoon, President Barack Obama announced that his stance on illegal immigration and the status of non-citizens in this country had reversed and “that he had no idea what he was thinking before.” According to his statement the following changes by the Federal Government take effect immediately:
- Formation of a 500,000 person strong national internal security force with a budget of some $800 billion a year. This police force will be granted unlimited power to comb through personal and business records nationwide to ascertain the legal status of every individual and ensure that they are in full compliance with their obligations as citizens of the United States.
- Construction of a 85 foot high, 10 foot thick concrete wall across the entire southern border of the United States. The initial contractor will be Modern Continental Corporation of Cambridge, MA. The vast experience they gained helping Boston’s “Big Dig” come in on time and under budget will be valuable according to Obama.
- Construction of 50 “Transition Camps” across the United States. Initial reports are that most of these camps will be based in the Midwest and the state of Arizona. The camps will be able to hold up to 100 million individuals for an extended period of time and are strategically located so that detainees will be able to volunteer on nearby “shovel ready” public projects.
- Appointment of Wolfgang Schwanitz as the new “Verification of Citizenship Czar”.
While initially confused by the about-face, pundits quickly saw the logic behind Obama’s change of heart. MSNBC’s Dave Weigel was quick to point out that Obama has stolen the issue of immigration from conservatives and traded the iffy votes of illegal aliens for the most reliable of liberal voters: easily directed and controlled government workers.
Knifework.net promises to keep you informed and updated on all new developments with this breaking story, just as soon as we make sure we have a current copy of our birth certificate nearby.
Obama recently announced a new piece of legislation, that will force organizations such as Merriam-Webster and Dictionary.com to comply with strict regulations, as mandated by the federal government. The bill is expected to go into effect by the end of next week.
President Obama held a press conference, detailing this new piece of legislation.
“It has not escaped my attention that there has been some confusion over things I’ve said in the past. In order to prevent such confusion in the future, it is imperative that the government take action.”
“No one can argue that the dictionary industry is broken. Words like transparency, success, economist, leader, unexpected, mandate.. They all have constantly changing meanings, depending on what I want them to mean at the very moment I say them. It’s much too confusing for the average American, who is not nearly as intelligent as I. It’s time we regulate the dictionary industry, so that the definitions of words coincide with what I want them to mean.”
The primary point in the bill mandates that dictionary companies keep up to date definitions of any words that come out of President Obama’s mouth. A ‘definition czar’ is expected to be appointed shortly. If the Definition Czar is unclear on what Obama means by a certain word, the definition will simply read ‘TBD’, pending further clarification.
In the future, words will be defined in electronic format only, due their ever changing meanings. As a result, all physical dictionaries will be sought out and destroyed.
In order to make this new legislation successful, everyone will be required to purchase an iPad, on which the Obamanary app must be installed. Failure to purchase will result in jail time and fine of up to $2,500. If you already own an iPad, you are clearly rich, and will be required to purchase one for someone less fortunate (and please, no complaints about their brand new SUV – they need a vehicle roomy enough to fit all their children). The Obamanary app should be referred to any time President Obama says anything, ever.
“With the election of 2008 came a new age of enlightenment – one where words certainly have meaning, but perhaps not the meaning you think they have, or the meaning they have always had in the past.. or even the meaning they have today. Let’s face it, the definitions of words are constantly evolving, depending on the motives of myself and my administration. Because of this, I think we can all agree that dictionary reform is necessary.”
President Obama ended the press conference with this sobering reminder:
“If I’m being honest, the fate of our country depends on everyone being perfectly clear on the meaning of the words that come out of my mouth, and, more specifically, their meaning at that exact moment, as all definitions are subject to change at my discretion. It’s the only way our great nation will survive.”
*Please refer to the Obamanary for new definitions of honest, great, and survive.
Following his death this morning, Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) released a statement assuring his constituents that he would continue to work on their behalf from beyond the grave.
“Not even the Grim Reaper will keep me from funneling billions in federal tax dollars to my home state,” the respected former Klan member wrote in blood on a bathroom mirror. ”Besides, I still haven’t finished filibustering the Civil Rights Act.”
The oldest member of congress and longest-serving senator in history, Byrd will continue his stint as an apparition. While some are disconcerted watching him float across the senate chamber, many of his colleagues are glad he’s still around.
“He’s as spry as he ever was!,” chirped a giddy Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “And have you ever seen him look so good?”
Some Republicans grumbled about Senator Byrd’s ghostly attire, but party leaders quickly shut them up and apologized for any offense that may have been caused to the deceased.
Knifework.net learned today from it’s exclusive Hollywood contacts that President Obama has ordered last minute changes to the remake of the 80′s classic “The Karate Kid”. The original movie features the story of a young boy who through sacrifice, hard work, humility and knowledge overcomes not only his tormentors but his own fear. Once our President got wind of the fact that the 2010 remake stayed true to this story he felt it was necessary to take time away from mediating talks over the possible breakup of the Big 12 Conference and personally intervene so that this new movie would reflect our new American values.
The new movie features Jaden Smith as Dre Parker, a twelve year old tormented by the children of Tea Party members in his neighborhood. Dre turns to Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), a local Asian-American who works for the Census Bureau going door-to-door gathering data for the American Community Survey. Mr. Han has perfected his own martial art through years of dodging violent constitutionalists who wrongly consider the idea of a continuous government data gathering project intrusive and unconstitutional.
Mr. Han initially has Dre perform such menial looking tasks as riding a stationary bicycle to generate electricity, sorting recycling, and collecting oil from restaurants to create biodiesel. However Dre is surprised to learn that all of these activities have helped him to learn essential moves in the art of Tae-Gore-Do, Mr. Han’s martial art.
The most visible change in the remake is during the finale when Dre fights Johnny, son of the local Tea Party organizer. The “Crane Kick” stance from the original is replaced with the “Oil Soaked Pelican” stance, which enables Dre to demonstrate our new American values of passiveness, environmental awareness, courageous restraint, and inaction during a crisis.
The movie ends with Dre in the hospital recuperating from the injuries he sustained while using Tae-Gore-Do. The last shot is his doctor (Ezekiel Emanuel) explaining to him that his age and race qualify him for the kidney transplant he requires after his severe beating.
As soon as knifework.net can get a trailer for this new version we will immediately post it – we know you are as anxious as us to see this exciting new film.