Progressive rule has been, by all White House accounts, a resounding success. Despite this, Democrats are bracing for a very unforgiving election this November.
How can this be, many in the party are asking themselves. The answer is simple. They just can not shake the stigma that the left is made up predominantly of rapists.
But is this, as many Democrats protest, nothing but an evil smear unfairly attached to them by the owner of this website? Absolutely not. This falls under the category of Baseless Attacks. When one consults the Rulebook, they find that these are deemed to be completely acceptable.
As such, I am under no obligation to prove the undeniable truth that the vast majority of Democrats harbor rapist tendencies, but I will present some hard evidence anyway. And I challenge, no defy, anyone who disagrees to prove that Democrats are not past, present or perhaps future rapists.
An exhaustive study conducted by Rape Relations in America, a not-for-profit research center that I made up five minutes ago for the express purpose of backing up my accusation, concluded that 99.9% of Democrats have never apologized for being a rapist.
This in itself is very disturbing.
Furthermore, as I revealed in a public statement last night, attendees of a Coffee Party rally groped me as I walked through the crowd. Several times they called me a “cracker” and a “grade-A piece of meat.” Even though there were dozens of TV news cameras in the immediate vicinity, there is unfortunately no video evidence of this event. However, this guy irrefutably substantiates my claim:
Beyond my own personal experiences, any rational human being will tell you that just speaking with a registered Democrat will convince you that they are probably a rapist at heart. Their tones and patterns of speech reveal a darkness that simply can not be denied. Listen as they contemptuously rant about Sarah Palin. Why? Because they disagree with her political ideology? Preposterous! The only logical conclusion is that they disparage and objectify her for being a woman, the hallmark of any true rapist.
But does this rapism go beyond the party faithful, all the way up into the highest levels of Democratic leadership? I submit that it very well could. And therefore does.
Recently, the longest serving member of Congress passed away. Senator Robert Byrd was a former and repentant racist (not rapist, but who knows?). Who could say whether or not the longest currently-serving Congressman, John Dingell, Jr., has ever raped or is capable of rape? In fact, I would say that every sitting Democratic politician is at the very least capable of rape. Except for maybe the frail and spindly Henry Waxman.
As Scott Johnson, self-professed expert on pretty much everything tells me, “To my knowledge, no Democrat has ever condemned the rapes we all know they have committed.”
Investigating this claim, I called my Senator’s office at 2:25 pm. I asked to speak with Kay Hagan (D-NC) and was told she was not in the office. I then related to the staffer the contents of this story and asked if Senator Hagan was prepared to officially denounce, repudiate and condemn the rampant rapism within the Democratic party. I was immediately hung up on.
Make of that what you will.
In an age where we feel the need to classify everyone and everything, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is refreshingly different.
Thurgood Marshall was the first black Supreme Court Justice. Clarence Thomas was the second, although he doesn’t really count since he was nominated by a Republican. Sonia Sotomayor was the first wise Latina female Justice to ever grow up in the Bronx with a somewhat uncomfortable childhood.
Elena Kagan has proven to be none of these things. A genderless, forgettable, vapid blob of nothingness, Kagan’s eventual confirmation may end the Democrats’ lengthy tradition of elevating people based solely on their race, gender, creed, fashion sense, past campaign contributions, legal status, etc.
“To be completely honest for a change, I don’t know what Kagan is,” said an annoyed Arlen Specter (D-Penn). “Be it man, woman, or some kind of beast-hybrid, it certainly doesn’t seem to have a substantive thought in its head.”
While some were hoping President Obama would nominate a Justice to exclusively represent a specific segment of the population, Kagan is quickly becoming a champion to those that just do not matter anymore – like Rosie O’Donnell, Michael Moore, John Edwards and anyone who has ever won American Idol.
As Kagan’s confirmation hearing draws to a close, and we learn less and less about this individual, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that our next Supreme Court Justice will not be an artificially-pigmented transsexual banjo player from the upper Midwest.
Regardless of what it actually turns out to be.
Following his death this morning, Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) released a statement assuring his constituents that he would continue to work on their behalf from beyond the grave.
“Not even the Grim Reaper will keep me from funneling billions in federal tax dollars to my home state,” the respected former Klan member wrote in blood on a bathroom mirror. ”Besides, I still haven’t finished filibustering the Civil Rights Act.”
The oldest member of congress and longest-serving senator in history, Byrd will continue his stint as an apparition. While some are disconcerted watching him float across the senate chamber, many of his colleagues are glad he’s still around.
“He’s as spry as he ever was!,” chirped a giddy Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “And have you ever seen him look so good?”
Some Republicans grumbled about Senator Byrd’s ghostly attire, but party leaders quickly shut them up and apologized for any offense that may have been caused to the deceased.
A journey that was hindered by many setbacks, including golf outings and fundraisers, is finally over today as the one known as The One arrived on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. Accompanied by his devoted press corp, Barack H. Obama greeted all with warm handshakes and arrogant smirks.
The excitement here has been brewing for weeks, as fervent believers claim to have seen his likeness in the sludge washing up on pristine beaches. No one was disappointed. After an excessively long sermon, Obama performed several wonders.
Stepping gracefully over the brown-capped waves, Obama coolly strolled across the water. Head held usually high, he beckoned to his disciple Gibbs. With a running start, Gibbs made it several feet before looking down and sinking like a stone. Fortunately, the buoyant pudginess of Gibbs caused him to bob back to the surface.
Waiting for several Coast Guard vessels to tow Gibbs back to dry land, Obama performed his second marvel. With a simple gesture he parted the sea, allowing hundreds of migrant Mexicans to skirt Arizona and cross unencumbered into Louisiana.
Obama relinquished his mystical command of the water, drowning only a few stragglers, and returned to shore to feed the multitudes with loaves and fishes. The fish, as it turned out, was not the best of ideas. Horrified eco-activists immediately began slinging the fish back into the Gulf, praying that Obama would restore them to life. Hordes of pelicans descended upon the bounty, but struggled as they landed in the murky water.
Quickly diverting all cameras away from the carnage, Obama performed his final miracle. He turned the water into whine.
Risking raids on our homes and offices (alright, it’s the same thing), knifework.net has been able to get our hands on the brand new portable device set to take the world by storm. We are talking, of course, about the iSlam.
Sporting a sleek, compact design the iSlam fits easily in any Taliban-issue suicide belt. It is guaranteed to prove to all your hipster friends how tolerant and politically correct you are. But is the iSlam more than just a pretty face? Let’s open the cover and look inside.
The iSlam comes pre-loaded with the will of Allah, as told by the prophet Muhammad. It boasts tens of apps that will aid you with whatever you need to carry out massacres of western devils. You can access the internet and search for the latest call to violence from your favorite Iman, or find out just what size shoe you need to conceal an infidel-killing IED. Utilizing the latest in IRC technology, you can communicate with allahwarrior1564 and hopefully gain entry into an al Qaeda training tent. You can even use your iSlam to book flights on Emirates Airlines.
The onboard memory and spotty WiFi connectivity leave something to be desired, as does the thought of having to blow yourself up with a homemade box of marbles and fertilizer. However, the iSlam promises to provide you with not one, but seventy-two (count ‘em!) virgins with every self detonation. Throw in the 4mp camera and bluetooth capability, and the iSlam makes a very attractive handheld, despite costing an arm and a leg…and another arm and leg, plus head, etc.
Being a largely political publication, we sent the iSlam around to some recent newsmakers. The responses were undeniably positive.
Michael Bloomberg, billionaire Mayor of New York City, instantly saw the money making potential of the iSlam. “This is just the sort of thing that will appeal to the average American. You know, the people upset over the health care bill.”
Attorney General Eric Holder was so awestruck over the iSlam that he couldn’t even pronounce the name.
We also sent one to President Barack Obama, but he could not be reached for comment as he continues to avoid direct questions. According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, Mr. Obama has been playing lots of Tetris on the iSlam since he went on a sleeping strike to protest the oil in the Gulf of Mexico.
All in all, we think the iSlam is the go-to device for anyone wanting to bring damnation to the infidel or simply run-of-the-mill destruction to the White Satan. Still not convinced? Check out the promotional video below:
Hordes of disgruntled Americans took to the streets yesterday, participating in Tea Party rallies across the nation. The aftermath has left progressives scratching their heads.
“I just don’t get it,” mumbled political science professor Jim Hendrickson as he paced around his current place of employment, Starbucks. “Why did the Tea Party rallies get so much network coverage? No one started a fight with the police, called for an assassination, or even burned a flag.”
This sentiment has rippled through the left, sending many of them scurrying to focus groups and self-help seminars. We were able to catch up with a few of them as they milled around outside begging for spare change.
“It’s just not fair,” wailed anti-war activist Turner Phelps, of Cincinnati. “When I was coming up, a protest wasn’t a protest until some innocent bystander got trampled and sent to the hospital to die in the waiting room.”
Donald Landry of Salem, Oregon told us that he heard shouting and saw signs off in the distance as he tuned his acoustic guitar on the corner of Hawkins Avenue. “Dude, I went over to check it out and I couldn’t even score any pot. What kind of bullshit protest was that?”
And Miguel Estrada bemoaned the lack of fashion he witnessed at Atlanta’s rally. “These people were wearing shirts made out of flags, I think. Fanny packs? Baby, this ain’t the fifteenth century!”
Almost everyone we talked to was concerned that the Tea Party was getting an unfair amount of coverage for their non-shenanigans, but not everyone agrees. Bernard Atkins of the Center for Political Progress, a polling firm that specializes in strangely worded questions and calling only their friends, says that he believes the Tea Party is having a hard time getting their message across.
“Until the Tea Party starts throwing motolov cocktails, vandalizing Mom and Pop stores, beating up minorities…basically everything we’ve been trying to accuse them of doing…I don’t think the average American is going to listen to them. You’re only wasting your time out there. So just stop.”
My internet-fu is sometimes suspect, so I may be late to the party on this one. But if you have not yet seen these videos, you are missing what is quite possibly the most awesome thing on YouTube: Auto-tune the News. I think so, anyway.
Here are a couple of samples, but I suggest you watch them all:
Ticker tape, confetti and balloons irrevocably damaged the environment today as celebratory parades were held around to the world to honor U.S. President and baseball enthusiast Barack Obama. Mr. Obama has succeeded where all other non-deities have failed. He has achieved World Peace.
Perhaps the only thing more astonishing than this grand accomplishment is the simplicity in which it was attained. For centuries the answer has been right under our noses, but one of the many failings of human beings has always been our shortsightedness. Fortunately, we elected a President that can not possibly be human.
It seems that all we had to do was announce when we would not use our military might. By assuring our enemies that we would not respond to biological or chemical attacks with a nuclear assault, we instantaneously won their hearts and minds. Iran immediately suspended its nuclear program and al Qaeda beat their ceremonial scimitars into plowshares.
“Some on the Right ridiculed our dear leader for bowing to foreign dignitaries,” sneered Vice President Joe Biden. “But I told you this kid’s backbone would be tested. I bet a lot of people will be begging for him to bow now.”
President Obama also went a step further, banning words like “Islam” and “Jihad” from the English lexicon.
“Let me be clear,” lectured the Commander-in-Chief on Wednesday, “we can no longer use our nuclear arsenal as a deterrent against attacks. Therefore, we can no longer use words that might offend our new Muslim overlords.”
After days of being unfairly battered and maligned about comments he was tricked into saying by racist Tea Party terrorists, Rep. Phil Hare* of Illinois has gone on the offensive, lashing out at his detractors and putting his words back into context.
“Look,” said a visibly shaken Hare. “I was nervous. I was surrounded by a handful of angry white people. I was scared! I misspoke. What I meant to say was, ‘I don’t worry about the calories.”
According to the congressman, under this bill he can eat whatever he wants and have his triple bypass surgery paid for by the taxpayers, and that was his main reason for voting in favor of it. He also said that millions of other Americans can too, and that is almost as important to him.
*In adherence to the unwritten laws of journalism, Knifework.net does not list political affiliations unless they are Republican.
Capping off his year long campaign against the United States of America, our great leader has finally seized his prize: America’s vast, untapped oil deposits. As most of his followers rejoice, there remain pockets of resistance. These fringe groups are undeniably made up largely of racists and homophobes.
“I thought Obama was an environmentalist!,” shrieked Greenpeace director, Phil Radford, while beating his angry fists into a dying tree. “But he’s BLACK! As black as oil!”
Such angst from people who once worshiped the ground Obama walked on is, to say the least, surprising. Some are even calling the President’s birth into question.
“This man is not the Messiah we were promised,” says Huffington Post commenter and Socialists Against the False Prophet founder, Ira Hailey. “We were led to believe that this half-white, half-black child had descended from the Heavens to lead us to blissful utopia. Now, I think it’s more plausible that he was simply born from a human woman too stupid to realize she could get an abortion.”
Acts of physical violence are feared as the White House ramps up security to counter the growing rage building in its admittedly unstable former base. Bricks of tofu have shattered Congressional office windows and someone spit on Rep. Barney Frank, although he claims that he liked it.
Much ado has been made over the RNC and Michael Steele spending thousands on limos, jets and strip clubs. But little has been said about the DNC’s expenditures. In an ongoing effort to provide grossly unfair and chemically imbalanced coverage, Knifework.net decided to look at the other side’s books. And what we found was frightening.
$7,000 was spent over the summer to outfit SEIU members for peaceful counter-protests at townhall rallies across the country. Even though lead pipes were plentiful and could have been purchased for next to nothing, the DNC decided to provide state-of-the-art Louisville Sluggers.
Last year, the DNC, in conjunction with the Obama administration and Congress, spent $24,000 per every car purchased under the Cash for Clunkers program. But that pales in comparison to the whopping $600,000 spent on Henry Waxman’s fleet of Big Wheels. “Henry is a small man, in many different ways,” said DNC spokesthing Brad Woodhouse. “Plus, he likes lots of bright colors. He can’t pick just one. It was an absolute necessity.”
And just this month, the DNC spent a staggering $940 billion on gasoline. This was used not only to torch the Constitution, but also Democratic election hopes this November.
To get serious for a moment, many on the Right are calling for Steele’s head. If you donated money to the RNC and expected it to go to campaign ads, I can understand your frustration. But as Riehl World View points out, this is the game. And if you think the DNC doesn’t play the same one, you’re deluding yourself.
I’m all for holding politicians accountable for how they handle taxpayer money, but Michael Steele isn’t a lawmaker. He’s paid to get Republicans elected, and it takes money to do that. It doesn’t matter what you or I may think of Steele, tossing out your chairman 6 months before mid-terms is a disaster-in-waiting.
Maybe Steele does deserve the ax for all this. I don’t know. I haven’t paid a whole lot of attention to this story. I have more on my mind than who schmoozed who at a fancy strip club. But is seems to me that the Right is all to eager to eat its own nowadays. I suppose it stems from the scorn we received when Republicans were last in charge, coupled with our own dissatisfaction of the policies they enacted. I understand that. But we want to get the knives out every time one of ours is accused of something, often before we even know the details.
We have Republicans apologizing for racial slurs that were most likely never even uttered. It’s a bit ridiculous if you ask me. Do we think the left is going to somehow respect us more for groveling? Are they going to pat us on the back and open their ears to our ideas? No. We simply have to beat them on Election Day. There is no other alternative.
Did the Left scream for Chuck Rangel’s resignation for taking trips to the Caribbean with lobbyist money? Did they howl for Pelosi’s gavel when she and 15 other donkeys (plus 6 Republicans) spent $2,200 a day in Copenhagen? Let me ask you this…what does the Left ever apologize for?
Buck the fuck up, Republicans.
Vice President and sometimes pretend Sheriff Joe Biden’s motorcade was involved in yet another accident today, bringing the total number of accidents his motorcade has been in to somewhere around 23.
14 people sustained various injuries, though their names were not released as they are liberals and no one cares. Biden was thought to have suffered massive head trauma after he responded to the following questions from paramedics on the scene:
- When asked who his boss was, Biden answered, “Barack America!“
- Prompted to spell a three letter word, Biden proudly rattled off: J-O-B-S.
- Asked what year it was Biden insisted, “It’s 1929! The year television was born.”
- Skeptical paramedics then asked him to name the Vice President of the United States. Biden promptly replied, “Hillary.”
Satisfied that he was was acting normally, paramedics released the Vice President without administering medical attention.
As to the other 14 people who were injured in this completely avoidable tragedy, there is good news…
photoshop by: @ericinva
In a stunning new study released today by the University of Ottawa, researches claim they have found a link between countries that have socialized medicine and debilitating retardation.
“We are not sure yet just what aspect of universal health coverage causes retardation,” said provost Francois Houle. “But we think it has something to do with the fact that people who want it are retarded. It is hard to be sure because we are, in fact, retarded.”
After showing us around a very cluttered and disorganized laboratory, littered with colorful toys and soiled underclothes, Houle tried to recreate one of the experiments conducted by the University’s student research team. Picking up a small, metallic object that we later learned was an unfolded paper-clip, Houle crouched in front of the nearest electrical socket and inserted it. For the next 15 minutes, he replicated this experiment until he was distracted by a nearby computer’s screensaver.
Some time later, after prying him away from the screensaver’s bouncing icon (and then the purple balloon he found in a trashcan), Houle told us this new study was groundbreaking. He then proceeded to beat on the floor with his fists.
Asked for comment on the study, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the data was “unsurprising.”
“Why do you think we passed universal health care here in the States?,” asked Gibbs while tweeting on his iPhone. “99.7% of our base is retarded. You think they’d have put us in power otherwise?”
“Not for long!,” he giggled.