Shayne
US Considers Early Departure From Afghanistan
Erik De Castro/Reuters
WASHINGTON — The Obama administration is discussing whether to reduce American forces in Afghanistan by at least an additional 20,000 troops by 2013, reflecting a growing belief within the White House that the mission there has now reached the point of diminishing returns.
Accelerating the withdrawal of United States forces has been under consideration for weeks by senior White House officials, but those discussions are now taking place in the context of two major setbacks to American efforts in Afghanistan — the killings on Sunday of Afghan civiliansattributed to a United States Army staff sergeant and the violence touched off by burning of Korans last month by American troops.
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Iran Denies Christian Pastor Faces Execution For Faith Based Charges
IRAN- Under fire from a United Nations Human Rights panel, a top Iranian official claims a Christian pastor insulted Islam but denies he faces execution.
The UN Human Rights Council met in Geneva Monday, where Ahmed Shaheed, a “special rapporteur for human rights in Iran” delivered a report on human rights abuses in Iran and called for the release of Pastor Youcef Nadarkhani. The pastor has been held in prison for nearly three years and was convicted on charges that Tehran has described in conflicting terms, first as apostasy and other faith-based crimes, then as rape and extortion.
Read more: Iran denies Christian pastor faces execution; restates ‘faith-based’ charges
Man Arrested After Giving Teenager A Tattoo And Alcohol
MASSACHUSETTS–Police say they charged a man for illegally tattooing a teenager. Cops charged George Doyle with illegal tattooing, assault and providing alcohol to a minor.
Police reports say that George Doyle gave a sixteen year old boy a tattoo and provided him with alcohol. Reports say the 16-year-old got the word “Juggallo” tattooed across his chest after Doyle gave him alcohol. Unfortunately, the tattoo was spelled wrong.
“Juggalo” is the name for hardcore fans of the rap duo “Insane Clown Posse.”
After the teen refused to pay for the tattoo, Doyle threatened him. Cops were alerted to the situation after a teacher at school heard about the threat.
US Soldier Guns Down Afghan Civilians
Image credit: JANGIR/AFP/Getty Images
A United States Soldier has been accused of an unexplained killing spree that resulted in the deaths of three women, four men and nine children in Afghanistan. The soldier, who was assigned to a special forces unit in Afghanistan, was taken into custody after returning to base and remains unidentified. The shootings allegedly occurred while the victims slept. The solider is reported to have walked house to house ( a total of three houses) shooting the inhabitants. The crime appears to involve only the soldier in question, although Afghan officials have also started to refer to “U.S. forces” who entered the homes.
According to a White House statement.President Obama called Afghan President Hamid Karzai “to express his shock and sadness” and pledge “his administration’s commitment to establish the facts as quickly as possible and to hold fully accountable anyone responsible.”
The motivations of the killing spree is unknown at this time. The murder spree is being called the most atrocious event of the Afghan War and will likely complicate the already difficult negotiations with Afghanistan on its relationship with the U.S. military. In 2014, NATO plans to turn over security responsibilities for to the Afghan government. Those negotiations had already been made more difficult by the burning of the Koran by US soldiers last month.
EXPOSED: Democrats are the Party of Rapism
Progressive rule has been, by all White House accounts, a resounding success. Despite this, Democrats are bracing for a very unforgiving election this November.
How can this be, many in the party are asking themselves. The answer is simple. They just can not shake the stigma that the left is made up predominantly of rapists.
You can't tell me these guys aren't rapists.
But is this, as many Democrats protest, nothing but an evil smear unfairly attached to them by the owner of this website? Absolutely not. This falls under the category of Baseless Attacks. When one consults the Rulebook, they find that these are deemed to be completely acceptable.
As such, I am under no obligation to prove the undeniable truth that the vast majority of Democrats harbor rapist tendencies, but I will present some hard evidence anyway. And I challenge, no defy, anyone who disagrees to prove that Democrats are not past, present or perhaps future rapists.
An exhaustive study conducted by Rape Relations in America, a not-for-profit research center that I made up five minutes ago for the express purpose of backing up my accusation, concluded that 99.9% of Democrats have never apologized for being a rapist.
This in itself is very disturbing.
Furthermore, as I revealed in a public statement last night, attendees of a Coffee Party rally groped me as I walked through the crowd. Several times they called me a “cracker” and a “grade-A piece of meat.” Even though there were dozens of TV news cameras in the immediate vicinity, there is unfortunately no video evidence of this event. However, this guy irrefutably substantiates my claim:
Beyond my own personal experiences, any rational human being will tell you that just speaking with a registered Democrat will convince you that they are probably a rapist at heart. Their tones and patterns of speech reveal a darkness that simply can not be denied. Listen as they contemptuously rant about Sarah Palin. Why? Because they disagree with her political ideology? Preposterous! The only logical conclusion is that they disparage and objectify her for being a woman, the hallmark of any true rapist.
But does this rapism go beyond the party faithful, all the way up into the highest levels of Democratic leadership? I submit that it very well could. And therefore does.
Recently, the longest serving member of Congress passed away. Senator Robert Byrd was a former and repentant racist (not rapist, but who knows?). Who could say whether or not the longest currently-serving Congressman, John Dingell, Jr., has ever raped or is capable of rape? In fact, I would say that every sitting Democratic politician is at the very least capable of rape. Except for maybe the frail and spindly Henry Waxman.
As Scott Johnson, self-professed expert on pretty much everything tells me, “To my knowledge, no Democrat has ever condemned the rapes we all know they have committed.”
Investigating this claim, I called my Senator’s office at 2:25 pm. I asked to speak with Kay Hagan (D-NC) and was told she was not in the office. I then related to the staffer the contents of this story and asked if Senator Hagan was prepared to officially denounce, repudiate and condemn the rampant rapism within the Democratic party. I was immediately hung up on.
Make of that what you will.
Elena Kagan: A Breath of Fresh Air
In an age where we feel the need to classify everyone and everything, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is refreshingly different.
Thurgood Marshall was the first black Supreme Court Justice. Clarence Thomas was the second, although he doesn’t really count since he was nominated by a Republican. Sonia Sotomayor was the first wise Latina female Justice to ever grow up in the Bronx with a somewhat uncomfortable childhood.
Elena Kagan has proven to be none of these things. A genderless, forgettable, vapid blob of nothingness, Kagan’s eventual confirmation may end the Democrats’ lengthy tradition of elevating people based solely on their race, gender, creed, fashion sense, past campaign contributions, legal status, etc.
A refreshing change of pace
“To be completely honest for a change, I don’t know what Kagan is,” said an annoyed Arlen Specter (D-Penn). “Be it man, woman, or some kind of beast-hybrid, it certainly doesn’t seem to have a substantive thought in its head.”
While some were hoping President Obama would nominate a Justice to exclusively represent a specific segment of the population, Kagan is quickly becoming a champion to those that just do not matter anymore – like Rosie O’Donnell, Michael Moore, John Edwards and anyone who has ever won American Idol.
As Kagan’s confirmation hearing draws to a close, and we learn less and less about this individual, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that our next Supreme Court Justice will not be an artificially-pigmented transsexual banjo player from the upper Midwest.
Regardless of what it actually turns out to be.
Longest-Serving Senator Vows to Continue His Work
Following his death this morning, Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) released a statement assuring his constituents that he would continue to work on their behalf from beyond the grave.
“Not even the Grim Reaper will keep me from funneling billions in federal tax dollars to my home state,” the respected former Klan member wrote in blood on a bathroom mirror. ”Besides, I still haven’t finished filibustering the Civil Rights Act.”
The oldest member of congress and longest-serving senator in history, Byrd will continue his stint as an apparition. While some are disconcerted watching him float across the senate chamber, many of his colleagues are glad he’s still around.
“He’s as spry as he ever was!,” chirped a giddy Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “And have you ever seen him look so good?”
Some Republicans grumbled about Senator Byrd’s ghostly attire, but party leaders quickly shut them up and apologized for any offense that may have been caused to the deceased.
"I really hate this background."
After Pilgrimage to Gulf Miracles Performed
A journey that was hindered by many setbacks, including golf outings and fundraisers, is finally over today as the one known as The One arrived on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. Accompanied by his devoted press corp, Barack H. Obama greeted all with warm handshakes and arrogant smirks.
The excitement here has been brewing for weeks, as fervent believers claim to have seen his likeness in the sludge washing up on pristine beaches. No one was disappointed. After an excessively long sermon, Obama performed several wonders.
Stepping gracefully over the brown-capped waves, Obama coolly strolled across the water. Head held usually high, he beckoned to his disciple Gibbs. With a running start, Gibbs made it several feet before looking down and sinking like a stone. Fortunately, the buoyant pudginess of Gibbs caused him to bob back to the surface.
Waiting for several Coast Guard vessels to tow Gibbs back to dry land, Obama performed his second marvel. With a simple gesture he parted the sea, allowing hundreds of migrant Mexicans to skirt Arizona and cross unencumbered into Louisiana.
Obama relinquished his mystical command of the water, drowning only a few stragglers, and returned to shore to feed the multitudes with loaves and fishes. The fish, as it turned out, was not the best of ideas. Horrified eco-activists immediately began slinging the fish back into the Gulf, praying that Obama would restore them to life. Hordes of pelicans descended upon the bounty, but struggled as they landed in the murky water.
Quickly diverting all cameras away from the carnage, Obama performed his final miracle. He turned the water into whine.
Knifework Tech Review: The iSlam
Risking raids on our homes and offices (alright, it’s the same thing), knifework.net has been able to get our hands on the brand new portable device set to take the world by storm. We are talking, of course, about the iSlam.
Prototype of the new iSlam handheld.
Sporting a sleek, compact design the iSlam fits easily in any Taliban-issue suicide belt. It is guaranteed to prove to all your hipster friends how tolerant and politically correct you are. But is the iSlam more than just a pretty face? Let’s open the cover and look inside.
The iSlam comes pre-loaded with the will of Allah, as told by the prophet Muhammad. It boasts tens of apps that will aid you with whatever you need to carry out massacres of western devils. You can access the internet and search for the latest call to violence from your favorite Iman, or find out just what size shoe you need to conceal an infidel-killing IED. Utilizing the latest in IRC technology, you can communicate with allahwarrior1564 and hopefully gain entry into an al Qaeda training tent. You can even use your iSlam to book flights on Emirates Airlines.
The onboard memory and spotty WiFi connectivity leave something to be desired, as does the thought of having to blow yourself up with a homemade box of marbles and fertilizer. However, the iSlam promises to provide you with not one, but seventy-two (count ‘em!) virgins with every self detonation. Throw in the 4mp camera and bluetooth capability, and the iSlam makes a very attractive handheld, despite costing an arm and a leg…and another arm and leg, plus head, etc.
Being a largely political publication, we sent the iSlam around to some recent newsmakers. The responses were undeniably positive.
Michael Bloomberg, billionaire Mayor of New York City, instantly saw the money making potential of the iSlam. “This is just the sort of thing that will appeal to the average American. You know, the people upset over the health care bill.”
Attorney General Eric Holder was so awestruck over the iSlam that he couldn’t even pronounce the name.
We also sent one to President Barack Obama, but he could not be reached for comment as he continues to avoid direct questions. According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, Mr. Obama has been playing lots of Tetris on the iSlam since he went on a sleeping strike to protest the oil in the Gulf of Mexico.
All in all, we think the iSlam is the go-to device for anyone wanting to bring damnation to the infidel or simply run-of-the-mill destruction to the White Satan. Still not convinced? Check out the promotional video below:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vgoQcXjQJg]
Left Confounded Over Tea Party Coverage
Hordes of disgruntled Americans took to the streets yesterday, participating in Tea Party rallies across the nation. The aftermath has left progressives scratching their heads.
“I just don’t get it,” mumbled political science professor Jim Hendrickson as he paced around his current place of employment, Starbucks. “Why did the Tea Party rallies get so much network coverage? No one started a fight with the police, called for an assassination, or even burned a flag.”
This sentiment has rippled through the left, sending many of them scurrying to focus groups and self-help seminars. We were able to catch up with a few of them as they milled around outside begging for spare change.
“It’s just not fair,” wailed anti-war activist Turner Phelps, of Cincinnati. “When I was coming up, a protest wasn’t a protest until some innocent bystander got trampled and sent to the hospital to die in the waiting room.”
Donald Landry of Salem, Oregon told us that he heard shouting and saw signs off in the distance as he tuned his acoustic guitar on the corner of Hawkins Avenue. “Dude, I went over to check it out and I couldn’t even score any pot. What kind of bullshit protest was that?”
And Miguel Estrada bemoaned the lack of fashion he witnessed at Atlanta’s rally. “These people were wearing shirts made out of flags, I think. Fanny packs? Baby, this ain’t the fifteenth century!”
Almost everyone we talked to was concerned that the Tea Party was getting an unfair amount of coverage for their non-shenanigans, but not everyone agrees. Bernard Atkins of the Center for Political Progress, a polling firm that specializes in strangely worded questions and calling only their friends, says that he believes the Tea Party is having a hard time getting their message across.
“Until the Tea Party starts throwing motolov cocktails, vandalizing Mom and Pop stores, beating up minorities…basically everything we’ve been trying to accuse them of doing…I don’t think the average American is going to listen to them. You’re only wasting your time out there. So just stop.”
“Please?”
Everything is Better Auto-tuned
My internet-fu is sometimes suspect, so I may be late to the party on this one. But if you have not yet seen these videos, you are missing what is quite possibly the most awesome thing on YouTube: Auto-tune the News. I think so, anyway.
Here are a couple of samples, but I suggest you watch them all:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDOYN-6gdRE]
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBb4cjjj1gI]
h/t: mitrebox
As If Free Healthcare Was Not Enough, Obama Went Ahead and Achieved World Peace
Ticker tape, confetti and balloons irrevocably damaged the environment today as celebratory parades were held around to the world to honor U.S. President and baseball enthusiast Barack Obama. Mr. Obama has succeeded where all other non-deities have failed. He has achieved World Peace.
Artist's depiction of Obama defeating evil once and for all.
Perhaps the only thing more astonishing than this grand accomplishment is the simplicity in which it was attained. For centuries the answer has been right under our noses, but one of the many failings of human beings has always been our shortsightedness. Fortunately, we elected a President that can not possibly be human.
You be the judge.
It seems that all we had to do was announce when we would not use our military might. By assuring our enemies that we would not respond to biological or chemical attacks with a nuclear assault, we instantaneously won their hearts and minds. Iran immediately suspended its nuclear program and al Qaeda beat their ceremonial scimitars into plowshares.
“Some on the Right ridiculed our dear leader for bowing to foreign dignitaries,” sneered Vice President Joe Biden. “But I told you this kid’s backbone would be tested. I bet a lot of people will be begging for him to bow now.”
President Obama also went a step further, banning words like “Islam” and “Jihad” from the English lexicon.
“Let me be clear,” lectured the Commander-in-Chief on Wednesday, “we can no longer use our nuclear arsenal as a deterrent against attacks. Therefore, we can no longer use words that might offend our new Muslim overlords.”
Phil Hare Clarifies Remarks on Constitution
Has a fallback plan as a Quaker Oatmeal spokesman.
After days of being unfairly battered and maligned about comments he was tricked into saying by racist Tea Party terrorists, Rep. Phil Hare* of Illinois has gone on the offensive, lashing out at his detractors and putting his words back into context.
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2iiirr5KI8]
“Look,” said a visibly shaken Hare. “I was nervous. I was surrounded by a handful of angry white people. I was scared! I misspoke. What I meant to say was, ‘I don’t worry about the calories.”
According to the congressman, under this bill he can eat whatever he wants and have his triple bypass surgery paid for by the taxpayers, and that was his main reason for voting in favor of it. He also said that millions of other Americans can too, and that is almost as important to him.