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President Obama Present at Bin Laden Meeting

Sources tell Knifework News that President Obama was physically present in the room when he and administration staff watched the SEAL team perform the assault on the compound holding Osama Bin Laden.

Photo Courtesy AP and HuffPo

Staff minimized the risk to the nation having Obama present, saying he was often located in a particular place at a certain point in time.

Physically Present in the Room

Boldly seated in the situation room, President Obama exercised decisive leadership in being in the same room when the order was given to kill Osama bin Laden. “When the order came down from [known militarist Leon] Panetta,” aides said of Obama, “he was just amazing, sitting there quietly in his chair. His ability to just be there is truly is inspirational.”

None are more physically accounted for than Obama, who as President lives in the White House, and gets his postal mail delivered there.

Everyone Noticed Him

In what high-ranking members of the media have called a “gutsy move“, the President occupied his chair almost from the beginning of the meeting. “We all knew who he was, and it was made even more clear when he started saying quietly, in that statesmanlike way of his, ‘I am the president.’”

There is speculation that the president even spoke on several occasions, asking to have objects brought to him, further proving his actual presence in a real way.

Bakeries to Change Slice Procedures

With increased price pressure, bakeries in Illinois have begun shipping lighter and lighter loaves. Some have altered their procedures for slicing loaves of bread, even eliminating the expensive and hazardous slicing procedure altogether.

“The size of loaves has become too small to slice,” said Hugh G. Grist, production manager at Mercury Food Products, a bakery and compact fluorescent light bulb factory in Samsonite, Illinois. “It’s a safety issue, really.”

Several new loaves arranged in a pretty way on a plate

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Nobel Committee to Strip Obama of Prize

Oslo (KW) – The Nobel Prize Committee of Five has announced that it is requesting the return of the Peace Prize it awarded US President Barack Obama in 2009.  The committee made the rare decision based on what it called “atrocious and grievous violations” involved in tournament selections. Continue reading

Dick Blumenthal (D-CT) Correct on a Resume Item

U.S. Senator from Connecticut Dick Blumenthal has been found to be correct in citing an item of his work history. It turns out that Blumenthal actually is a member of the Senate, as he has been telling reporters since being sworn in last month.

Blumenthal has long been rumored to have been accurate on other items of his resume, but this is the clearest confirmation to date.

Blumenthal aides, speaking on condition of not having their name linked to Blumenthal, noted that the Senator is often correct about his resume.  “He gets it right over half the time,” estimated one staffer.

Implant Allows Volunteers to Speak Directly With God

Engineers working at the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) have developed specialized implants to allow spiritual communication for those engaged in jihad against the United States and the West.  Sources close to the agency indicate the implants could finally allow us to get inside the heads of enemy forces on the battlefield, helping to end the worldwide conflict with radical Islam more quickly than previously thought possible.

The implants are specifically designed to be injected into the forehead. When properly installed, an implant will allow any jihad-inspired terrorist to speak to God directly at any time.

As the products come in various sizes, from 4 to 13 millimeters, the appropriate implant size will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also perform the injection of the device beneath the skin.

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Obama Administration Announces National Service Guidelines

In response to public interest in the TSA’s latest screening procedures, the Obama Administration has announced that henceforth all adults aged 3 to 31 will spend a year in a new National Service Corps. The announcement came at a joint press conference which featured an “all hands on deck” segment led by  President Barack Obama  and Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.

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EPA Offers Compromise Regulations on Everything

In what is seen as a compromise with hard-line Republicans in Congress, the EPA has backed away from its plans to regulate all forms of matter.  While still holding true to Obama Administration policy of regulating everything in existence, the agency will promulgate regulations on only certain forms of everything.

“Due to Congressional oversight, we lack jurisdiction on some items.  So this is a positive move if we in looking across our necks can think,” said an EPA spokesperson, speaking through an interpreter.  “We feel confident that regulation of all forms of matter safely and effectively can by us be done, but toward proper universal regulation this is the first day of a long journey.”

EPA scientists have long gathered lists of all types of objects, but have struggled in the past with categorizing those which can be regulated, the types of regulation that are proper for each item, and with prioritizing recommendations. “In these times of fiscal austerity, with budgets not even doubling year to year, we have had to choose our best donkey”, said the EPA. “This reform makes some of that job unnecessary. ”

The new task for the team of experts in the field of everything regulation will be deciding what form matter can take before it is regulated. There is significant debate about whether an object’s solid, liquid, or gaseous state should determine its ultimate status as far as the EPA is concerned.

Professor Olliver Oxenfree of  Yourpharmasource.com University is skeptical of the changes. “There is no way to ensure social justice in this flawed process of everything regulation.  “The bottom line is we feel strongly that regulation is the right of all objects, at the subatomic level.  Trying to regulate based on chemical makeup or physical state is a discredited methodology, and more importantly, may fail to include  some objects altogether. “

Michelle “Antoinette” Obama Sets Frantic Vacation, Campaign Schedule

Democrats are planning to give First Lady Michelle “Antoinette” Obama a plus-sized role in the fall campaign season. After sitting in on a European vacation seminar in Spain, First Lady Michelle “Antoinette” Obama will return to America to lead by example in the vital area of GOTV – Gorging On The Vacation.

The Obamas have several vacation stays planned in the U.S., as well. Yet Politico reports that despite her frenzied pace, Mrs. Obama will still find time to campaign to keep her man in power.

Some analysts were skeptical that Michelle “Antoinette” Obama could really deliver the Republican House majority her husband needs for his 2012 campaign. But according to lifelong Democrat and Obama strategist Harry Mauler, “We need a big presence in the Congressional races — and no one is bigger than M.A.O.”

MAO is always determined to be the bigger person

“There are still some Republicans and Independents — mostly CBS viewers — who don’t get the news and  have not been alienated by the President’s handling of the economy, health care, the military, the Gulf oil spill, and taxes,” Mauler intimated.  She’s going to finish the job.”

One of the most important lessons learned by the woman behind the President is that ordinary people have to carefully watch their travel budget.

In Spain Obama saw first hand the troubles facing desk clerks, waiters, massage therapists, pastry chefs, and other young men. Her heart was moved, according to sources, who denied rumors that she spent hours consoling each of them in her suite, often two or three at once. Aides noted that “there is plenty of Michelle to go around.”

Things may be somewhat different for planned vacation stays on the Gulf Coast and at Martha’s Vineyard. “But there will still be golf outings for the President, a perfect time for her to sample the local talent.”

Organeaters For America

Organeaters For America, the undead outreach effort of the Obama regime, has begun tagging its herd for the November elections.

“With the loss of the independent vote, we will need lots of fresh blood,” said OFA spokesperson Andy Dote, referring to the frantic rush of independent voters away from Democrats. “That can only come from the really, really gullible.”

Experts have long noted the similarity between the undead and the semi-conscious voting demographic.

Mortimer St-Croix, Senior Analyst at the Center for Embarrassing Fads and the Public Interest, said “It’s no surprise that young women who attend midnight premieres of films featuring attractive, exotic-looking men promising hope and change and delivering blood, fear, death, and transformation into vicious animals or eternally hungering undead creatures are receptive to the Obama message, even if they’re not quite sure what it is.”

But OFA’s Dote was adamant that there was a clear message. “Brains,” he said. “These young people have lived for years without using theirs, and so will not suffer any harm when we remove them.”

“We plan to continue this effort, raising awareness of issues important to the undead and semi-conscious communities. As the saying goes, when you’ve got them by the organs, their hearts and minds naturally follow.”

Statement by the Embassy of Mexico

It is with great pride in the efforts of the Obama Administration to right-size American sovereignty that we at Knifework forward to you our translation of the following memorandum:

Statement by the Embassy of Mexico

Washington D.C, May 25th, 2010

Regarding the Administration’s decision to send 1,200 National Guard servicemen to the US Southern border, the Government of Mexico trusts that this decision will help to channel additional US resources to enhance efforts to export criminals from Mexico, which is necessary if the effort to expand Mexico is to succeed.

Additionally, the Government of Mexico expects to be given the promised notice in writing of troop movements, including the date and time of the movement and the names and home addresses of the servicemen involved. This notice will strengthen US operations in the fight against a national will to exist that lingers on both sides of our common border.

Mexico is determined to continue working throughout our shared territory to organize our communities, and to obscure and dissemble about the profitable criminal export trade.

As part of our joint strategy in the fight against the horrors of a national will to exist, there are actions that our two governments have undertaken together, and there are other measures taken independently by Mexico and by the US within our shared territory. In this regard, the Mexican Government expects better warning over the rash overreactions of the US Government, and underscores that joint responsibility must continue to underpin our joint efforts in rolling-back the holdouts of national sentiment operating on both sides of the border.


Embajada de Mexico en Estados Unidos de America
1911 Pennsylvania AV, NW, Washington D.C. 20006
Tel: (202) 728 1600

The Case of the Missing Census Letter

Fancy technology, shifty peopleI heard on teh Interwebz that the Census Bureau had sent out letters telling citizens that the Census Bureau would be sending them Census forms.  I got no letter. Do I really need to explain how this made me feel?  The hurt, the embarrassment, the humiliation of not getting a letter?  It was awful.

How am I supposed to know when my Census form is going to get here, if I don’t get a letter?

Everyone else got one. It isn’t right!

It isn’t fair.

So I called the Census Bureau Chicago office to ask when I’d get my letter telling me when my Census form was coming.  Here is how that conversation went:

They referred me to the Springfield, IL office.

Bureaucracy!  It’s a Byzantine nightmare of functionaries, mandarins, and stone-faced clerks refusing to help a poor citizen, each in turn claiming it’s not their job.  No wonder there’s a deficit.

The anger was rising in me now. Others have calculated the cost to the government to mail out these letters, which I learned are called “Advance Letters”. Important as they are, alerting people that they will be receiving mail in the near future, that cost doesn’t matter to me. These are Constitutional matters. The future of the Republic hangs in the balance. Our town could lose parking meters.

But what about the cost to me? I don’t have a printing press or a Federal Reserve Magic Sliding Decimal Point Account. I’m having to spend my valuable time tracking down this stinking letter.

No wonder there are tea parties. No wonder the people don’t trust their government.

I called up the Springfield Office, and immediately got sent to Recruiting!  I didn’t want a job, I wanted to know when my Advance Letter was coming, so I would know when my Census form would be coming.

Then the nice, overburdened lady explained, as if for the thousanth time, that this was just a letter saying the Census form was on its way. That it didn’t matter that I didn’t get one….


Her words stung me like a frozen whip, and not the dessert kind.

What am I, not as important as the people who did get a letter?  Government arrogance, pure and simple. Well, arrogance and sloth.

I admit to losing my patience, and for that, I apologize.  When I’m dealing with important, Constitutionally mandated activities, my line is pretty taut already.  It doesn’t take much to set me off, I can tell you that.

In case readers want to know where their letters are, you may go to the Census.gov site and call your regional office yourself.

Oh, by the way: contrary to the “About one week from now” stated in the Advance Letters, the Census forms are coming out April 1. Figures.

Cable News Networks Ask Help To Root Out Bias

Cable news networks, struggling to keep up in the ratings race, will ask the FCC to investigate charges of bias in their news programming, knifework.net has learned. Cable stalwarts CNN and MSNBC made the joint announcement on Thursday, shortly after the daily White House strategy conference call.

A flurry of press releases indicated that the networks would rely on independent audits from watchdog Media Matters for America and the Federal Communications Commission to find any irregularities in their news coverage.

MSNBC spokesperson Miopia Nostrumus said the network had been made aware of bias charges, but wanted an outside audit. “We’re aware from polling that some in the public have found bias in our reporting, but we sure can’t find it.” Nostrumus pointed to the even-handed style of MSNBC rising star Dylan Ratigan as an example of what she called “people reading bias into” their coverage:

“Calling Ratigan biased based on that clip is frankly just conservative wingnuttery,” Nostrumus said.  “That’s like playing with dog whistles, is what that is. I just hope it doesn’t turn into some kind of McCarthy witch hunt.”

CNN Vice President of Media Operations Stu Kintanintiz suggested demographics as a reason for his network’s declining market share. “People are getting older, and not watching TV as much. It’s not the 1980s any more.” He believes an aging population is also more secure than in previous decades. “Not as many people are interested in the news with President Obama in charge and turning the country around,” Kintanintiz noted.

But Kintanintiz could offer no explanation for the perception of bias. “Off the record? I think that’s just an urban myth propped up by corporate propaganda.”


Follow @lheal on teh Twitter!

Vice President Biden Shames Critics With Performance

In the wake of the recent Health Care Summit, Critics of the Obama Administration are conceding grudging admiration for Vice President Joseph Biden in his handling of his nearly insurmountable workload.

“He’s making it look easy,” said a former senior member of John McCain’s campaign staff. “Sarah Palin would have made blunders, maybe even quit by now.” Former Alaska Governor Palin was the Republican 2008 Vice Presidential nominee, picked by John McCain to balance the ticket with an actual Republican.

I is not moose.

But his staunchest critics have been forced to say that Biden proved himself prescient in the hours leading up to the President’s Health Care Summit, saying, “This could end up not being good.”

While some expressed skepticism during the 2008 Vice Presidential campaign that Biden was up to the job, he has proved them wrong. Biden himself summed up their error at the Summit. “It’s easy being Vice President,” said the former US Senator from Delaware, shrugging off the crushing weight of the office. Biden then strongly agreed with a summit attendee, who had said, “It’s like being the grandpa and not the parent.”

But it is in the area of deep political strategy that Biden has shown the most grace under pressure. Refusing to allow Republicans to compromise so that they would get credit for handing President Obama a victory, Biden put his foot down. “Either you’re in or you’re out, ” Biden said. The two sides retrenched to their partisan positions, and the Republicans were not able to sacrifice their principles on the altar of political suicide.  Mr. Obama was assured of sole responsibility for health care reform, thanks in no part to Biden’s leadership.

Asked if the stress of the office may be taking its toll on the Vice President, aides were surprised. “No, I think he’s positioned himself well for 2012, to continue the Obama success story. He should do almost as well at the top of the ticket as he did in 2008.”

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