Comrade Scott
Obama Makes SIN Mandatory
Today President Obama signed the bill that many have pushed for in recent weeks: SIN, or the Shift Into Neutral bill. The bill passed with bipartisan support but was often overlooked in a legislative session that has been dominated by rancor over health care reform.
After seeing the horrible carnage wrought upon America in the past year by runaway vehicles, lawmakers decided it was time to act and save the country from any further damage. Effectively immediately the bill makes failing to shift your car into neutral when it experiences sudden acceleration (worded in the bill as “Toyota Syndrome”) punishable by a $5000 fine and up to ten years in prison.
The bill also establishes a new branch of the federal government to administer the program. Called the SIN Service or SS, it will be funded by a new tax included in the bill. The SIN tax is expected to raise $50 billion a year by establishing sales taxes on pizza, beer, soda, salt, snack cakes, and condoms to a level “That establishes proper and fair obesity justice.”
President Obama claims that the bill will save or create 4,000 American lives per year for the first five years, but White House estimates have that dropping afterwards as the law takes effect.
After the signing he took the chance to publicly remind America that they can save fuel by properly inflating their tires.
Joe Biden Stranded in Haiti
Minutes after giving a speech in Port-Au-Prince titled “Free Markets for Free Countries: Why Government Intervention Hurts Rather Than Helps,” Joe Biden found himself stranded in Haiti, a man without a country. The White House refused to comment on the speech, but an unnamed source called the speech “The last straw.”
Reportedly, senior officials were not briefed on the speech, in which Biden said “Government is simply incapable of investing as capably as the private sector,” “Government spending has never worked as a trigger for economic growth” and “Grandiose infrastructure projects will not suddenly transform this country into a Taiwan or Hong Kong. It will take detailed attention to such critical areas as establishing a modern property rights system, a low rate of taxation, and eliminating the current culture of corruption.”
Before he even finished the speech, Biden’s motorcade was seen leaving Port-Au-Prince Stadium at high speed, with the C-130 and C-40 Clipper airplanes that transported him there taking off less than thirty minutes later. Biden later made it to Port-Au-Prince airport on foot, but after arriving was told that without a passport he wouldn’t be allowed to board any flights out of the country.
UN Workers then directed Biden to an aid station where he was able to receive two rice balls, an apple and a juice box. It is unknown where Biden spent the night but during an interview with MSNBC this morning he appeared disheveled and confused. During the interview Biden said he didn’t know why the Secret Service had left him there, but that “Obama must feel I have a lot of work left to do here.”
Repeated attempts to contact the White House for comment have been stonewalled, and no one at the moment appears to know whether or not Biden is still fulfilling his duties as Vice President.
New Iran Sanctions Spark Protest
Wait, which one of us is a guy again?
What would normally be a peaceful Sunday morning in Portland, Oregon was shattered by the sound of Converse All-Stars pounding the pavement in unison.
“You better, you better, you’d better not take their Grandma’s sweater!” was the chant as a sea of hipsters shuffled slowly in protest of the new economic sanctions against Iran proposed by the Obama administraton. The controversial proposal placing limits on the import of Pabst Blue Ribbon, fixed-gear bicycles, “Che” t-shirts, Arcade Fire albums, and other items caught the attention of people in coffee shops across the nation.
“I know I voted for Obama, but he is dead wrong on this. It’s time he stood up for the people of Iran,” said James Ivoy from the Pearl District. “Without an ample supply of indie music or Pabst, how are the youth of Iran expected to express their individuality?” asked Robyn “Robo” Bolsard.
Especially virulent were the cyclists, who performed silent track stands in unison every 300 yards. Many were sporting t-shirts that read “Don’t Nix the Fixie” along with a picture of Obama and a finger pointing at him. “We thought about a picture of the President with a circle and slash through him” said Aiden Buke of Hawthorne, “but that was considered too aggro.”
The march continued through downtown Portland for twenty blocks, only stopping once to admire a rare 1978 Chevrolet El Camino.
Although peaceful at the moment, knifework.net promises to monitor this burgeoning movement and provide you with handy tips on how to disperse any protests in your area should this group become violent or slightly motivated.
On International Women’s Day US Behind Rwanda In Women’s Rights
Some people will do anything for Miley Cyrus tickets.
In honor of International Women’s Day Kavita N. Ramdas, CEO of the Global Fund For Women, spoke out today about the state of women’s rights in the United States, and especially how far behind it is compared to Rwanda. “In Rwanda women comprise 48% of the legislature, but in the United States it’s only 18%,”said Kavita. Kavita was quick to point out that Rwanda has a GDP of less then $5 billion US dollars, yet tops the US in spending for women’s rights with an amazing 5 trillion [1].
Kavita said that the women in the United States should demand quotas be instituted with a constitutional amendment, with specific targets that match or exceed the state of women’s rights in Rwanda. She provided the following examples:
Representation in legislative bodies: Rwanda 48% US 18%
Infant mortality (per thousand births): Rwanda 112.4 US 6.3
Average number of rapists in one rape: Rwanda 5.2 US 1.3
Average lifetime earning potential: Rwanda 25.7 million [1] US 1.2 million
Death by machete: Rwanda 52% US 2%
HIV infection: Rwanda 66% US 0.2%
When asked about the state of women’s rights in Rwanda, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that on her latest visit to the country housing and opportunites for women seemed plentiful, almost as if someone had “waved a magic wand and made 800,000 people disappear.”
Also in honor of International Women’s Day Spanish Equality Minister Bibiana Aido Almagro received flowers at her desk and “planned to rub it in the face of that bitch on the third floor.”
[1] Rwandan francs
New Groups Emerge to Fill Void After Downfall of Coffee Party
Confused Senator Chris Dodd Speaks Out Against “Rehabilitation”
The senior U.S. Senator from Connecticut Christopher Dodd today spoke out against cries for rehabilitation in the U.S. Senate saying that “Now that Teddy is gone my drinking days are behind me”.
Desperate attempts by fellow Democrat lawmakers to explain that the current topic is actually reconciliation, a legislative procedure for bringing budget bills to vote without threat of filibuster, have made no impact on the Senator. “It’s like he’s in another world, one where it’s appropriate to refuse to toe the party line and also run around the chambers in just your underwear.”, said Majority Leader Harry Reid.
“I don’t need help, I need everyone to focus on getting the important health care legislation that my late friend and colleague Ted Kennedy worked so hard on his entire career passed”, said Chris Dodd when asked for comment Wednesday afternoon. He also added “I think these people with the cameras are from that TV show on A&E. If someone breaks out a letter to read to me they’re getting a slap in the face.”
This comes right on the heels of reports that the Republicans face a similar problem with Senator John McCain convinced that “Paygo” is a new piece of legislation aimed at amnesty for illegal aliens.