Comrade Scott
Obama Still Refusing To Release Death Photo
Tragedy struck the White House Thursday when Che, the goldfish of President Obama’s daughter Sasha, was reportedly found floating on its side at the top of it’s bowl by Secret Service during a routine security sweep. The official story from the White House is that Che perished from an untreated case of Chilodonella. Dr. Ezekiel Emanual, resident White House veterinarian stated that Che was denied care for his disease because he had already fulfilled the maximum happiness quotient he could provide calculated via the CLSFP, or Complete Lives System For Pets. Dr. Emanual went further and said that Che would been euthanized in the next two months anyway, since in his old age all he did was “just float there”.
Conspiracy theorists on the internet have been slow to accept this story since rumors have long been running rampant that rogue Secret Service agents exist within the White House protection team. Adding fuel to the fire was a tweet from one @WHprotectiondude53 which stated “Just shot Rosebud’s fish, he jumped right out at me.” Although screenshots of the tweet exist, the account was closed shortly afterward.
The conspiracy theorists, who have been deemed “Fishers” by the media, are demanding that the White House release the photos that are known to have been taken of Che floating at the top of the fish bowl. They state that without seeing for themselves the signs of Chilodonella, such as clamped fins and a light-blue skin tone, there is no way to know for sure if that’s what really killed him, especially since Che, in accordance with traditional goldfish custom, was flushed down the toilet minutes later by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, widely known to be the least squeamish person in the White House.
Worse yet, pictures purported to be of Che with a fatal gunshot wound to the torso have already surfaced on the internet:
The Obama administration refuses to release photo of the dead Che because they claim doing so would offend known terrorist groups inside the United States, such as PETA and the Animal Liberation Front. “We don’t want anymore unwashed hippies getting naked in public parks and causing commotion over one photo, I think. I would also like a donut and a teddy bear and did you know what there are three people wearing red shirts in this room?” said White House spokesman Jay Carney.
Fisher activist Donald Trump has vowed to fight for access to the photo, even filing a FOIA request this afternoon and stating “It’s vitally important to the integrity of this country and it’s constitution that we find out whether or not this goldfish died of natural causes or if it was brutally assassinated by black-op government hit squad.”
Knifework.net promises to keep you abreast of this breaking story as long as we can remain above water.
Obama Declares Jihad on Economy
Facing difficulties retaining qualified personnel for his economic team, President Barack Hussein Obama today declared he was taking personal control over all economic decisions emanating from the White House.
“As I have stated before, Islam has always been part of America and American Muslims have made extraordinary contributions to our country. However it is my belief that we have not made proper use of the financial beliefs of Islam in dealing with our current economic crisis. Although I am not a Muslim, I can proudly say that today I am declaring Jihad on this crippled economy that I inherited.” said President Obama in a speech from the White House Rose Garden.
President Obama said that the provisions of Executive Order 13528 should provide a “firm and vigorous boost” to the US economy nearly immediately. ”The spirit of Islamic finance is to promote social justice by banning exploitative practices, something I have always striven to achieve. Effective immediately it is now illegal to collect interest in the United States, invest in the stocks of any so-called “public” corporations, or produce pornography or pork products. Islam is a belief that’s based on submission, dedication and humbleness, instead of the evil motive of profit that has created our current debacle.” said Obama.
Other contentious regulations in the Executive Order include the penalty of stoning for initiating foreclosure against a homeowner, the banning of Fractional-reserve banking, and the appointment of Rashad Hussain as the head of the new ZJA (Zakat and Jizya Agency), replacing the old IRS.
Economists say that a immediate ten to twenty thousand fold depletion in the available money supply will have a crushing effect on inflation, however it will reward those who have profited from interest on accumulated savings, a forbidden practice in Islam. Hence all 401k accounts will be immediately confiscated and placed in government receivership under EO 13528. Chris Kuehl, Managing Director for Armada Corporate Intelligence told Knifework.net that this was justified because as it is stated in the Quran “O you who believe! Lo! many of the rabbis and the monks devour the wealth of mankind wantonly and debar men from the way of Allah. They who hoard up gold and silver and spend it not in the way of God, unto them give tidings (O Muhammad) of a painful doom” (Quran 9:34), Insha Allah!
Economic benefits were immediately noticed after the speech, when foreign investment in United States real estate increased dramatically. We at Knifework.net wish President Obama, peace be upon him, all the luck in his latest endeavor.
Atkins Nutritionals Wins Bidding War for King Samir Shabazz
King Samir Shabazz, diet guru
Atkins Nutritionals proudly announced today that it has successfully signed King Shamir Shabazz as it’s new spokesperson, winning the much publicized and very heated bidding war with the South Beach Diet Partnership. Currently serving as the head of the Philadelphia chapter of the New Black Panther Party, Shamir is famous for his vehement hatred of carbohydrates in all of their forms, and his thin figure is the envy of overweight suburban males nationwide.
“We could find no one else in the public eye with the same passion for a low-carb diet, save perhaps Twitter celebrity Erika Dorsey,” explained Larry Sonderson, head of advertising for Atkins Nutritionals.
Pssst. It's Erika.
“We eventually eliminated her because of her radical conservative political views that our target audience of middle to upper-class white adults with kids just can’t identify with. Once Shamir was cleared of all charges by Attorney General Eric Holder for supposed voter intimidation we had to jump right on before he was snatched from us,” he added.
The exact amount that Mr. Shabazz is being renumerated for as a spokesperson is a highly guarded secret by Atkins Nutritionals, but almost anything should be a nice increase from the $17,621 dollars that Mr. Shabazz claimed as income on his 2009 Federal taxes.
The text of King Shamir’s latest press release displays the fiery tenacity and single-minded drive that earned him this new contract:
LISTEN UP CRACKAS! I’m here for one purpose, and that’s to KILL CRACKAS! You wanna know why you’re fat? TOO MANY CRACKAS! I don’t care how many crackas I have to kill, I don’t even care if I have to kill some cracka babies. Speaking of babies, have you seen that cracka Jason Alexander? He looks like a fat cracka baby! Why are you speaking for Jenny Craig fat boy? I’m coming for you chubby cracka boy, you and that busted ass donut chomping hoochie Sara Rue. There’s only one diet for a black man, and that’s the Atkin’s diet. You don’t see my skinny ass walking down the street with a cracka in each hand, do you?
Ever since the announcement, critics have been quick to point out that Atkins Nutritionals still hasn’t recovered from it’s 2005 bankruptcy filing and that people don’t have the disposable income to eat a high protein diet in the current economy. Barry Sears of The Zone Diet even pointed out via email that “If you look closely at Shamir he has a big gut, he just hides it with all of that black clothing. I think this is just an attempt to steal the thunder from the Kwanzaa Bar® that I’m launching later on this year.”
Knifework.net promises to keep you informed on all developments with the new ad campaign and to never attempt to vote again.
Obama Reverses Stance on Illegal Aliens
In a shocking speech this afternoon, President Barack Obama announced that his stance on illegal immigration and the status of non-citizens in this country had reversed and “that he had no idea what he was thinking before.” According to his statement the following changes by the Federal Government take effect immediately:
- Formation of a 500,000 person strong national internal security force with a budget of some $800 billion a year. This police force will be granted unlimited power to comb through personal and business records nationwide to ascertain the legal status of every individual and ensure that they are in full compliance with their obligations as citizens of the United States.
- Construction of a 85 foot high, 10 foot thick concrete wall across the entire southern border of the United States. The initial contractor will be Modern Continental Corporation of Cambridge, MA. The vast experience they gained helping Boston’s “Big Dig” come in on time and under budget will be valuable according to Obama.
- Construction of 50 “Transition Camps” across the United States. Initial reports are that most of these camps will be based in the Midwest and the state of Arizona. The camps will be able to hold up to 100 million individuals for an extended period of time and are strategically located so that detainees will be able to volunteer on nearby “shovel ready” public projects.
- Appointment of Wolfgang Schwanitz as the new “Verification of Citizenship Czar”.
While initially confused by the about-face, pundits quickly saw the logic behind Obama’s change of heart. MSNBC’s Dave Weigel was quick to point out that Obama has stolen the issue of immigration from conservatives and traded the iffy votes of illegal aliens for the most reliable of liberal voters: easily directed and controlled government workers.
Knifework.net promises to keep you informed and updated on all new developments with this breaking story, just as soon as we make sure we have a current copy of our birth certificate nearby.
Obama Orders Changes To Karate Kid Remake
The old Karate Kid
Knifework.net learned today from it’s exclusive Hollywood contacts that President Obama has ordered last minute changes to the remake of the 80′s classic “The Karate Kid”. The original movie features the story of a young boy who through sacrifice, hard work, humility and knowledge overcomes not only his tormentors but his own fear. Once our President got wind of the fact that the 2010 remake stayed true to this story he felt it was necessary to take time away from mediating talks over the possible breakup of the Big 12 Conference and personally intervene so that this new movie would reflect our new American values.
The new movie features Jaden Smith as Dre Parker, a twelve year old tormented by the children of Tea Party members in his neighborhood. Dre turns to Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), a local Asian-American who works for the Census Bureau going door-to-door gathering data for the American Community Survey. Mr. Han has perfected his own martial art through years of dodging violent constitutionalists who wrongly consider the idea of a continuous government data gathering project intrusive and unconstitutional.
Mr. Han initially has Dre perform such menial looking tasks as riding a stationary bicycle to generate electricity, sorting recycling, and collecting oil from restaurants to create biodiesel. However Dre is surprised to learn that all of these activities have helped him to learn essential moves in the art of Tae-Gore-Do, Mr. Han’s martial art.
The new Karate Kid?
The most visible change in the remake is during the finale when Dre fights Johnny, son of the local Tea Party organizer. The “Crane Kick” stance from the original is replaced with the “Oil Soaked Pelican” stance, which enables Dre to demonstrate our new American values of passiveness, environmental awareness, courageous restraint, and inaction during a crisis.
The movie ends with Dre in the hospital recuperating from the injuries he sustained while using Tae-Gore-Do. The last shot is his doctor (Ezekiel Emanuel) explaining to him that his age and race qualify him for the kidney transplant he requires after his severe beating.
As soon as knifework.net can get a trailer for this new version we will immediately post it – we know you are as anxious as us to see this exciting new film.
Department Of Justice Files Charges Over Tragic Spill
Eric "Mad Dog" Holder
On Thursday Attorney General Eric Holder announced that criminal charges will be filed over the tragic spill that occurred 42 days ago in McKinney Texas. Holder and his crack team were lucky enough to be on the scene at Spoon’s Diner when James Friday, age 11, carelessly knocked over a large glass of milk his mother had ordered for him.
Domestic terrorist?
Quickly sensing the gravity of the situation Holder and his team sealed off the diner and informed all of the patrons that they would be detained indefinitely as witnesses.
“Whether this was an act of domestic terrorism or merely a unfortunate accident in a capitalist business exploiting the environment your cooperation is essential!” Holder was heard to shout immediately after the spill reached the soles of his $1500 Testoni Norvegese wingtips.
The diner has been shuttered since the incident much to the dismay of repeat customer Rudy Snow, a 73-year old veteran of the Marine Corps. “That Holder is one interesting fellow. He didn’t care when that little boy starting crying after spilling his milk, but as soon as it hit those fancy shoes of his he jumped up like a coiled spring and began barking out orders. I ain’t seen someone yell like that since Gunny Wright told us to get the hell off the beach at Saipan.”
Since James is being held without bail at an undisclosed Federal facility we were unable to speak with him, but his distraught mother Ellen was able to talk to us. “I just wish all of this had never happened. My mother always told me that accidents happen and that there’s no sense in crying over spilt milk, I had no idea just how right she would be. If only Mr Holder had just accepted Jame’s apology and cleaned off his shoes with the dish towel the staff offered him maybe this could have all been avoided.” she said. After a long pause and a shake of her head she added “He just seemed more interested in assigning blame and giving out punishment than dealing with and finding a solution to the problem at hand.”
D.E.A.T.H. Proclaims Operation Spring Awakening “Total Success”
Phase One of Spring Awakening involved the torpedoing of the South Korean warship Cheonan from the submersible stealth yacht SS Birdshot. Despite shelling from a nearby South Korean Navy vessel, Captain Cheney and the genetically enhanced crew of the Birdshot were able to exit the area and quietly traverse across the Pacific and through the Panama Canal for the second phase of Spring Awakening. It is estimated that the rise in tensions along the Korean DMZ and subsequent arms sales netted DEATH 100 billion USD in profits.Phase Two was the deployment of the Stent-class microsub from the SS Birdshot where Cheney and his crack commando team covertly placed explosives on the South Korean built Deepwater Horizon oil rig. The eleven DEATH operatives already on board were able to disembark and be evacuated to present the appearance of casualties. All of the following goals of Phase Two were met:
1)Rise in worldwide oil prices.
2)Destruction of wildlife in the Gulf area so that DEATH can replace them with cyborg reconnaissance drones.
3)Complete and total humiliation of the Obama administration.
4)Further heightened tensions on the Korean peninsula.
It is estimated that current profits from Phase Two are 150 billion USD and ten chuckles by their leader Cheney.
Phase Three was the seeding of clouds over the Mississippi river basin by the Monsoon Assassin, a Boeing 747 Large Cargo Freighter modified by DEATH subdivision Halliburton. Five sorties by the Monsoon Assassin and ten specially placed explosive charges by Cheney along flood control levees meant that in days large swathes of Metro areas in Tennessee were underwater, taking advantage of numerous no-bid contracts Halliburton has to provide post-diaster emergency services in the state. Because of poor timing by DEATH, profits from this operation were only about 50 billion USD. Cheney reminded his staff that the rise in oil prices after Phase Two and the large fuel consumption of the Assassin showed the need for better communication throughout the organization. He then demonstrated his youthful vigor by fatally throwing a ball point pen through the temple of the person responsible for Phase Three.
Knifework.net has been invited back to the next DEATH Board of Directors meeting, check back for further updates. Or else.
Obama Signs $867 Billion Pirate Bailout Bill
Got a little Socialism in you?
Today President Obama signed the $867 billion dollar Maritime Shipping Stabilization Act of 2010, a package of direct currency infusion, low-interest loans, infrastructure building, and military aid. Drafted and introduced in the House one month ago by Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA), the bill is designed to improve the living conditions of the Somali fisherman who have had to resort to piracy to survive and in recent weeks been unjustly attacked and killed by foreign military forces.
Upon signing the bill President Obama gave this impromptu speech to the assembled dignitaries:
“Let me be clear – We must now take further, decisive action to fundamentally and comprehensively address the root cause of this turmoil. And that root cause is the shipping correction which has resulted in illiquid martime-related assets that are choking off the flow of durable goods which is so vitally important to our economy. We must address this underlying problem, and restore confidence in our naval transportation market so it can perform their mission of supporting future prosperity and growth.
This relief program has to be properly designed for immediate implementation is sufficiently large to have maximum impact and restore market confidence. It must also protect the taxpayer to the maximum extent possible, and include provisions that ensure transparency and oversight while also ensuring the program can be implemented quickly and run effectively.
We can no longer allow foreign intrusion in the affairs of my brothers in Somalia and it is vitally important that they be able to continue fishing to support their families and also functioning in their role of monitoring and screening all shipping traffic coming out of the port of Mombasa, Kenya, which I would like to repeat is not the place of my birth and I have nothing to hide there.”
While the bill was posted online for the requisite five minute review period that is standard White House protocol, knifework.net was able to glean a few of the provisions in it:
- $357 billion in US Dollars in $20 bills delivered in 4 shipping containers
- 400 DVD box sets of “The Deadliest Catch”
- 600 $5000 gift cards to Bass Pro Shops
- Subscriptions to Salt Water Sportsman Magazine
- $547 billion in low-interest loans from Fannie Mae
- Three new community centers and a US administered “Midnight Basketball” program
SPS Malak Al Mawt, formerly the USS John P Murtha
The most contentious inclusion in the bill is the turnover of the San Antonio class amphibious transport dock USS John P Murtha to the Somali fisherman, including its four CH-64 Sea Knight helicopters, 30mm Bushmaster cannon and point defense missile systems.
Pressed for an answer about this, Senator Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) explained that “It is unconscionable that because of the failed policies of the Bush administration these poor fisherman have been forced time and again to hijack or commandeer private vessels to use as mother ships for their smaller fishing boats. It may seen excessive to hand over a $3 billion US Naval ship designed to provide a stealthy and survivable platform for rapidly deploying teams of individuals over a wide area, but we felt it was important to show the people of the United States and the fisherman in Somalia that we have a firm commitment to helping them and are no longer following the failed policies of the Bush administration. The US giving non-national groups weapons isn’t without precedent, and has shown to decrease tension and violence in the area.”
A statement released by the GAO shortly after the signing claimed that the bill would be “budget-neutral” due to the drop in losses to piracy, lower food costs because of new Somali fish imports, and greater economic activity at the chain of Bass Pro Shops stores nationwide.
Comrade Obama photoshop by @antijenx
Hasbro Unveils “Steele Trap”
RNC Chairman Michael Steele
Today Hasbro unveiled it’s latest children’s board game, Steele Trap. It’s a fun and frolicking political romp that is sure to entertain children ages 8-13 as they learn about the crazy world of United States politics.
Steele Trap has the players compete to see who can fill up their bus with voters first and deliver it to the polling station intact. Along the way children navigate obstacles like the SEIU Roadblock, Pelosi Plastic Surgery Clinic, and the Lindsey Graham border crossing. Each turn the player spins a wheel and can either end up moving forward 2-4 spaces, drawing a “principle” card, drawing a “pander” card, or having to endure the dreaded “Steele Trap”!
Children playing the new game.
Every time a player moves their bus through the neighborhood they can pick up a voter if the space they land on is a street corner, vocational school, rehab center, or methadone clinic. If they spin and have to draw a “principal” card, something bad might happen, like having to stop to help an old lady and getting the tires on their bus slashed (move back three spaces)! If they spin and draw a “pander” card, they could end up with a handy item like a pack of cigarettes or a $20 bill to help pick up extra voters.
Worst of all is spinning and having the arrow land on the “Steele Trap”. When that happens you press the button on the included mini-bust of Michael Steele and he busts out a wacky phrase:
“You’re a Republican, all black voters off the bus!”
“No one votes for smaller government, lose two voters!”
“Lobbyists just took away your handouts, move back two spaces!”
“No one has a reason to vote for you, lose all voters!”
Michael Steele just told this child she's white.
Estimated playing time is 1-2 hours and children should require no more than one session of therapy for each three times they play the game.
Steele Trap is available now at all major retail locations for $30, $20 if you can prove minority ancestry. Knifework.net is currently awaiting a copy so we can post the reviews of actual children after cultural programming playtesting.
Your Guide To Potential Supreme Court Nominees
With the recent retirement of Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, speculation has been rampant as to who President Obama will nominate as his successor. Knifework.net has been lucky enough to glean information from insiders in the Obama administration and elsewhere and has prepared a list of those who appear to be the leading contenders for one of the most prestigious positions in the world.
Sam Webb
Current chairperson of the Communist Party of the USA, Sam is also the former state organizer of the Michigan Communist Party. He has a Masters in Economics from the University of Connecticut and in his spare time enjoys scrapbooking and creating innovative Asian fusion dishes.
His article “Socialism Revisted” is reportedly required reading at North Korea’s Camp 22.
“While I resist the idea that the working class on its own can bring its class opponents to its knees, I don’t minimize the strategic social power of the working class nor occlude the Marxist insight that the working class because of its economic location, political capacities and historical experience is best positioned, though not preordained, to emerge as the general leader of the broader democratic movement.” -Sam Webb
Cass Sunstein
With two degrees (including a magna cum laude J.D.) from Harvard and extensive experience working as a clerk in the Supreme Court his qualifications are without reproach. Mr. Sunstein has extensively argued for the dissolution of marriage, increased taxes, animal rights, and the nationwide banning of the Goober Burger.
Mr. Sunstein is currently the Regulatory Czar for the Obama administration, a position that no one has any clue what the fuck it is.
“A system of limitless individual choices, with respect to communications, is not necessarily in the interest of citizenship and self-government.” -Cass Sunstein
Samantha Ronson
Americans have wondered for years what it would take for us to have a Jewish Lesbian DJ as a Supreme Court Justice, and it appears the wait may soon be over. Renowned Hip-Hop and House DJ Samantha Ronson may not have the bona fides of other candidates, but her time spent as Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend has provided her with extensive knowledge of the legal system.
Her only drawback may be her libertarian views on government intervention in the public’s personal lives, as evidenced in this quote by her:
“Dear US gov’t- looking for people bored enough to fill out your census? Try the 405 or the DMV. You’re welcome, samantha.”
Kevin Carson
The wild card in this list, no one seems to know if Kevin Carson is an anarchist, libertarian, or communist. Barely known outside of intellectual circles for his work, Kevin is best known for his HALO skills on XBOX Live as “wombat21″.
“As a white man, I can tell you, I derive very little satisfaction from the knowledge that I’m being screwed over by people who look like me. Instead of worrying about the racial and gender makeup of the board rooms and cabinets, I’d like to tear them down.” -Kevin Carson
Amy Klobuchar
Currently the senior United States Senator from Minnesota, Klobuchar has extensive legal experience and in 2001 Minnesota Lawyer named her “Attorney of the Year”. In 2008 Klobuchar voted in favor of the Intelligence Authorization Act which included a provision to ban the use of waterboarding by the United States, seemingly contradictory to rumors that she waterboarded neighborhood children for fun in the early 1990′s.
“I raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends — true story! I know that is the record in the Senate, but in the House it’s held by Barney Frank.” -Amy Klobuchar
Cynthia McKinney
Surprisingly the first black nominee on our list, Cynthia is perhaps the one most in line with the personal political philosophy of President Obama himself. Just like our President, she has long been an admirer of Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, and is a longtime supporter of the Palestinian cause.
Ms. McKinney is the only truther on our list, and also the only personal witness to slavery and the Holocaust.
“Images of burning Red Cross and UN buildings struck by US bombs contrasted with images of thousands of desperately poor Afghan women carrying sickly and starving children out of Afghanistan as they flee the might of the US military is tearing at international public confidence in our war against terrorism.” -Cynthia McKinney
Eva Angelina
As the last nominee on our list Eva is also the most contentious, but the idea of a pornographic actress in government is not without precedence. A staunch advocate of sexual freedom, abortion, drug use, and very interested in health care issues, Eva would be on the Court for a long time due to her age. She could also be a veteran and shows exceptional drive and aptitude as evidenced by a quote from an interview with her:
“Yeah, I’ve been in the business for a while. Since three months after I turned eighteen I’ve been in. Before It was always porn or the Navy, and I chose porn. I’ve been having a blast, you know? I’m the kind of person that always wants to do something at least once in their life. I think the Navy will be great and provide me with the skills I need to come back and run my corporation the best way possible, I’ll know how to run the business. I’ll have the discipline, the organizational skills, and I think I’ll be taken more seriously.”
MSNBC To Air “Obama’s Kenya” Miniseries
Just after the announcement of the TLC channel’s new eight-part miniseries called “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”, MSNBC today said it will air a similar series highlighting the wonderful aspects of life in Barack Obama’s home country of Kenya. The twenty-part miniseries will be produced by Michael Moore and each episode will be preceded with a short two-hour prologue by the President.
Knifework.net has been lucky enough to obtain an episode guide and has highlighted a few interesting installments:
Episode 1: The almost-liberation of Kenya by the Sunni moderates of the Northern Frontier District Liberation Movement during the Shifta War.
Episode 4: Barack Obama’s birth in an unnamed hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii.
Episode 6: The almost-liberation of Kenya by Jaramogi Oginga Odinga and Obama’s first cousin Raila Odinga during a 1982 coup attempt.
Episode 9: The annual migration of Michelle Obama’s favorite animal, the wildebeest.
Episode 15: The explosive growth of Kenya’s economy until the racist IMF stopped lending it millions of dollars a year.
Episode 16: Barack Obama’s first cricket games with the Mombasa Little League Cricket Association.
Episode 17: The regretful 1998 bombing of the US Embassy in Nairobi by the normally peaceful Al-Gama’a al-Islamiyya.
Episode 18: The wonderful health care system in Kenya and the amazing 47-55 year life expectancy of its patients.
Episode 19: The election of the “People’s President” Raila Odinga and the peaceful protests that followed.
MSNBC plans to air the program starting on July 4th, and continue straight through to July 24th without a day off. Director of Programming for MSNBC David Thornberg reminded viewers that TITLE 26, Subtitle A, CHAPTER 1, Subchapter A, PART IV, Subpart A, § 25A of the US Tax Code gives taxpayers a $1,000 credit for viewing each episode.
Health Insurance Mandate Has Precedent, Says Legal Professor
In the wake of many contentious statements after the passage of comprehensive health care reform, especially those concerning the mandate that Americans be forced to purchase health insurance and a spate of lawsuits from state officials nationwide, knifework.net consulted renowned legal scholar Dr. Rana Twedle of Naples Community College in Naples, FL (Go Fightin’ Manatees!) to provide some levity and knowledge to the discussion.
KW: Many Americans are concerned that the comprehensive health care reform bill is unconstitutional, do you think it will hold up under scrutiny?
RT: Absolutely this bill will be upheld and found to be constitutional – any argument that it’s unconstitutional to force Americans to purchase a product is forgetting the many precedents that have already been set in this nation.
KW: Precedents such as?
RT: In 1838 Martin Van Buren decreed via executive order that Americans “Purchase an Indian of sufficient strength to help on the farm” in an attempt to alleviate America’s problem at the time with it’s Native American population. In 1912 Teddy Roosevelt was successful in getting a bill passed that forced Americans to purchase a stuffed moose for every child under ten in their house, and a little known clause of the National Interstate and Defense Highways Act of 1956 required Americans to purchase a pick and shovel and work on any highway that passed within five miles of their residence, although it was never enforced.
KW: What about statements from the left that health care is a “right” that is endowed to all Americans?
RT: I think it’s historic that we have finally recognized health care as a right that we are all entitled to, as long as you pay for it yourself out of a basket of federally mandated choices and remember that failing to do so makes you liable for any number of penalties including fines or imprisonment.
KW: Wow. Thank you Dr. Twedle, for your illuminating input on the legal controversy surrounding health care reform. Is there anything else you would like to add?
RT: Yes, Americans need to resist the natural urge to look to physicians for guidance on this issue and instead rely on the time-tested and proven solutions that our Democratic leaders have provided time and again.
HHS Using Web Game to Recruit New Surgeons
Knifework.net has found out that a popular children’s web game is actually a stealth recruiting tool aimed at recreating the success that the U.S. armed forces has had with America’s Army.
According to our sources at the Department of Health and Human Services, funding for the game was approved in mid-2008 when it appeared that Barack Obama would be the next President of the United States. Fearful of a shortage of surgeons in the U.S. after the passage of health care reform, programmers at Adult Swim games were tasked with making the most realistic simulation of post-2012 surgery possible.
A memo leaked from HHS shows that administrators were aware that proposed new provisions for surgeons, such as an 80-hour work week and pay capped at $30,000 a year, were known about as early as August of 2008.
A knifework.net analysis of the game reveals the stark realism of the simulation with children learning to operate with the actual surgical tools used in other countries with socialized medicine. Things such as a pizza cutter, salad tongs, stapler, cigarette lighter, and corkscrew. The only obvious flaw in the game is the presence of working anesthesia.
An informal survey of 8-12 year olds indicated that after playing that game many of them planned on becoming surgeons, but a large contingent were waiting on the sequel “Outdoors Obstetrician”.