Chuck Dizzle
Happy Birthday, Mr. President
On August 5th, 2010, the President of the United States, Barack Obama celebrated his 49th birthday. We think*. Because Mr. Obama is the leader of the free world, with virtually unlimited resources at his disposal, we were unsure at first of what to get him.
Initially, we recalled that the President is a family man. What then, would be a better gift for a family man than a nice birthday dinner with his lovely wife and daughters? We had arranged for a private dinner at Chez L’ego in downtown D.C. Unfortunately, the First Lady was called out of town at the last minute for official first lady business. Oh well, she’s not really all that pleasant to be around anyway.
Plan B: Just Barry and the girls at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Since the President is notorious for his difficulty making up his mind, we planned to close down all 22 restaurants in the D.C. area and hope for the best. Then we remembered that whole childhood-obesity thing… The best task-force begins at home, as they say. Also, Sasha went with Michelle. Oops.
In a last ditch effort to salvage this historic birthday (it is, of course, only the second time a black President of the United States has celebrated a birthday while in office – as far as we know, anyway**), we tried to arrange a trip for the remaining pieces of the First Family to jet to Chicago for time together in their old Hyde Park neighborhood. Ah, memories…
Except Malia was at summer camp. Women… Can never count on them for anything, even to attend an historic birthday party for the greatest guy who ever lived.
Sigh. Would you accept Oprah as a consolation prize, Mr. President? Good. We thought you might.
*Not a birther.
**Still not a birther.
PRESS RELEASE: Obama Administration clears itself of wrongdoing(s)
THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
_________________________________________________
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Sunday , July 25, 2010, 10:35 pm
Obama Administration clears itself of wrongdoing(s)
President Obama today announces the results of multiple internal investigations being conducted by the White House. The President is pleased to report that his track record as President remains unblemished, except for that B+ he magnanimously gave himself on teh Oprah Show that one time.
- John F. Kennedy Assassination: Despite sympathizing with Mr. Oswald’s opposition to President Kennedy’s anti-Castro policies, the White House officially condemns all acts of violence, unless you’re the sovereign nation of Iran just trying to keep the peace by murdering your citizens in the streets. Besides, at the time of the assassination, Mr. Obama was just a child who was still merely destined to be the greatest President in the history of time and wielded no ascertainable power over adults. Also, Glenn Beck set us up.
- The 2004 Tsunami: This was clearly the product of former President Bush’s environmental policies. This administration believes that if earthquakes had been regulated to oceanic waters at least 5000 feet deep, all the death and destruction caused by the tsunami would have been avoided.
- Haiti Earthquake: Despite what President Obama’s fans might think, President Obama is not God. Not that anyone here believes in God. In conclusion, George Bush.
- Deepwater Horizon Oil Leak: Our investigation has determined that because former President Bush waited for four days to respond after Hurricane Katrina, President Obama is therefore without fault for actively doing nothing for three months in the wake of the devastating oil spill. Nonetheless, the President’s response to the loss of approximately 3,000,000 barrels of this valuable natural resource is to continue pursuing the largest energy tax increase in our nation’s history.
- Childhood Obesity: We don’t even need to investigate to know that this is the fault of that big, fat dummy Rush Limbaugh. Everyone knows that capitalism leads to wealth and excess and Mr. Limbaugh is the poster boy for all those spoiled, rich, fat, white children who sit around all day watching television and eating junk food because their parents are too busy working to be proper parents. Nonetheless, the First Lady is working around the clock on this issue and is even considering taking a Nutrition 101 class down at the community college.
- The Shirley Sherrod Affair: Our investigation has determined that since Fox News is inherently evil, the White House cannot be held responsible for its knee-jerk political reactions in anticipation of what the inherently evil Fox News might inherently evilly report.
- Lockerbie Bomber Release: The White House feels that it can hardly be blamed for accepting without question the diagnosis of a DHS doctor employed by the Scottish prison system. It is common knowledge that when a government-employed doctor tells you that you’re going to die, you can take that prognostication to the bank. In fact, you should probably assume as much before even going in. Regardless, this administration feels that acting compassionately was the more prudent course of action considering Mr. Abdel Baset al-Megrahi wasn’t sentenced to “life life.”
- Alvin Greene: We endorsed the other guy.
Obama awards himself Medal of Courageous Restraint for handling of BP oil spill
President Obama ponders the implications of an environmental disaster before forming a bipartisan committee to ponder it for him.
In what appears to be a much needed pick-me-up in light of continuously sinking poll numbers, President Obama today awarded himself the first official Medal of Courageous Restraint for his valiant inaction in the face of the catastrophic BP oil spill off the coast of Louisiana.
In an intimate ceremony, hastily organized immediately following the President’s first press conference in ten months, Vice President Joe Biden, who just happened to be passing by the oval office at that moment, presented the medal to Mr. Obama. Biden was visibly confused when the medal was first handed to him, as he himself has no military experience to speak of. However, after Mr. Obama explained the situation to Biden through an interpreter, the ceremony continued without a hitch. Biden recited his lines nearly perfectly, earning a little silver star for his efforts.
In prepared remarks, the award dangling around his neck along with his Nobel Peace Prize, Olympic Bobsled Medal and the clock he got from Flava Flav, the President outlined in tedious detail his difficulty avoiding work, particularly over the past month, and tangentially noted that he is now receiving treatment for tendonitis in his blaming finger. As expected, the President thanked his family for keeping him occupied away from the office and also his staff for reaching new levels of incompetence during this environmental travesty that just might trigger the END OF THE WORLD.
Finally, the President acknowledged that he was looking forward to doing equally little in the future and gave a final thanks to his caddy, for “helping me stay focused on more important things.“
Guam Jokes!
In honor of this shining moment in American exceptionalism:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsFsn8ekyhw]
I bring you some Guam jokes.
“Guam never tips, even when on the business end of a Chuck Norris round-house.”
“Guam never tips. Sometimes it even ducks out on the bill.”
“Guam never tips, it just sticks its head into the ocean to hide from predators.”
“Guam never tips. It was founded by Weebles.”
“Guam never tips because its center of gravity is at THE EARTH’S CORE.”
(Cross-posted at my site.)
Obama Goes After the “Pussy-whipped” Demographic
In an apparent attempt to appeal to the overwhelmed house-husbands of America, President Barack Obama openly defied his doctor’s orders Tuesday by eating at an infamous southern restaurant, telling reporters, “I don’t want any lectures about my cholesterol. Don’t tell Michelle.”
I don't just wear the pants, I beat the pants into submission.
The President’s numbers have been in rapid decline ever since becoming President, and he is desperate to find bright spots among likely voters. It seems the demographic he identifies with the most is men aged eighteen to eighty trapped in marriages with overbearing women.
Could the President be taking the advice of leading Republicans to heart? When asked if Obama was trying to boost his numbers one demographic at a time instead of with a broad, sweeping outreach to the entire nation, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said simply, “Don’t tell Mitch McConnell.”