Obama Declares Jihad on Economy
Facing difficulties retaining qualified personnel for his economic team, President Barack Hussein Obama today declared he was taking personal control over all economic decisions emanating from the White House.
“As I have stated before, Islam has always been part of America and American Muslims have made extraordinary contributions to our country. However it is my belief that we have not made proper use of the financial beliefs of Islam in dealing with our current economic crisis. Although I am not a Muslim, I can proudly say that today I am declaring Jihad on this crippled economy that I inherited.” said President Obama in a speech from the White House Rose Garden.
President Obama said that the provisions of Executive Order 13528 should provide a “firm and vigorous boost” to the US economy nearly immediately. ”The spirit of Islamic finance is to promote social justice by banning exploitative practices, something I have always striven to achieve. Effective immediately it is now illegal to collect interest in the United States, invest in the stocks of any so-called “public” corporations, or produce pornography or pork products. Islam is a belief that’s based on submission, dedication and humbleness, instead of the evil motive of profit that has created our current debacle.” said Obama.
Other contentious regulations in the Executive Order include the penalty of stoning for initiating foreclosure against a homeowner, the banning of Fractional-reserve banking, and the appointment of Rashad Hussain as the head of the new ZJA (Zakat and Jizya Agency), replacing the old IRS.
Economists say that a immediate ten to twenty thousand fold depletion in the available money supply will have a crushing effect on inflation, however it will reward those who have profited from interest on accumulated savings, a forbidden practice in Islam. Hence all 401k accounts will be immediately confiscated and placed in government receivership under EO 13528. Chris Kuehl, Managing Director for Armada Corporate Intelligence told Knifework.net that this was justified because as it is stated in the Quran “O you who believe! Lo! many of the rabbis and the monks devour the wealth of mankind wantonly and debar men from the way of Allah. They who hoard up gold and silver and spend it not in the way of God, unto them give tidings (O Muhammad) of a painful doom” (Quran 9:34), Insha Allah!
Economic benefits were immediately noticed after the speech, when foreign investment in United States real estate increased dramatically. We at Knifework.net wish President Obama, peace be upon him, all the luck in his latest endeavor.