THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
_________________________________________________
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Sunday , July 25, 2010, 10:35 pm
Obama Administration clears itself of wrongdoing(s)
President Obama today announces the results of multiple internal investigations being conducted by the White House. The President is pleased to report that his track record as President remains unblemished, except for that B+ he magnanimously gave himself on teh Oprah Show that one time.
- John F. Kennedy Assassination: Despite sympathizing with Mr. Oswald’s opposition to President Kennedy’s anti-Castro policies, the White House officially condemns all acts of violence, unless you’re the sovereign nation of Iran just trying to keep the peace by murdering your citizens in the streets. Besides, at the time of the assassination, Mr. Obama was just a child who was still merely destined to be the greatest President in the history of time and wielded no ascertainable power over adults. Also, Glenn Beck set us up.
- The 2004 Tsunami: This was clearly the product of former President Bush’s environmental policies. This administration believes that if earthquakes had been regulated to oceanic waters at least 5000 feet deep, all the death and destruction caused by the tsunami would have been avoided.
- Haiti Earthquake: Despite what President Obama’s fans might think, President Obama is not God. Not that anyone here believes in God. In conclusion, George Bush.
- Deepwater Horizon Oil Leak: Our investigation has determined that because former President Bush waited for four days to respond after Hurricane Katrina, President Obama is therefore without fault for actively doing nothing for three months in the wake of the devastating oil spill. Nonetheless, the President’s response to the loss of approximately 3,000,000 barrels of this valuable natural resource is to continue pursuing the largest energy tax increase in our nation’s history.
- Childhood Obesity: We don’t even need to investigate to know that this is the fault of that big, fat dummy Rush Limbaugh. Everyone knows that capitalism leads to wealth and excess and Mr. Limbaugh is the poster boy for all those spoiled, rich, fat, white children who sit around all day watching television and eating junk food because their parents are too busy working to be proper parents. Nonetheless, the First Lady is working around the clock on this issue and is even considering taking a Nutrition 101 class down at the community college.
- The Shirley Sherrod Affair: Our investigation has determined that since Fox News is inherently evil, the White House cannot be held responsible for its knee-jerk political reactions in anticipation of what the inherently evil Fox News might inherently evilly report.
- Lockerbie Bomber Release: The White House feels that it can hardly be blamed for accepting without question the diagnosis of a DHS doctor employed by the Scottish prison system. It is common knowledge that when a government-employed doctor tells you that you’re going to die, you can take that prognostication to the bank. In fact, you should probably assume as much before even going in. Regardless, this administration feels that acting compassionately was the more prudent course of action considering Mr. Abdel Baset al-Megrahi wasn’t sentenced to “life life.”
- Alvin Greene: We endorsed the other guy.
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