"What is the definition of is, anyway?"
Obama recently announced a new piece of legislation, that will force organizations such as Merriam-Webster and Dictionary.com to comply with strict regulations, as mandated by the federal government. The bill is expected to go into effect by the end of next week.
President Obama held a press conference, detailing this new piece of legislation.
“It has not escaped my attention that there has been some confusion over things I’ve said in the past. In order to prevent such confusion in the future, it is imperative that the government take action.”
“No one can argue that the dictionary industry is broken. Words like transparency, success, economist, leader, unexpected, mandate.. They all have constantly changing meanings, depending on what I want them to mean at the very moment I say them. It’s much too confusing for the average American, who is not nearly as intelligent as I. It’s time we regulate the dictionary industry, so that the definitions of words coincide with what I want them to mean.”
The primary point in the bill mandates that dictionary companies keep up to date definitions of any words that come out of President Obama’s mouth. A ‘definition czar’ is expected to be appointed shortly. If the Definition Czar is unclear on what Obama means by a certain word, the definition will simply read ‘TBD’, pending further clarification.
In the future, words will be defined in electronic format only, due their ever changing meanings. As a result, all physical dictionaries will be sought out and destroyed.
In order to make this new legislation successful, everyone will be required to purchase an iPad, on which the Obamanary app must be installed. Failure to purchase will result in jail time and fine of up to $2,500. If you already own an iPad, you are clearly rich, and will be required to purchase one for someone less fortunate (and please, no complaints about their brand new SUV – they need a vehicle roomy enough to fit all their children). The Obamanary app should be referred to any time President Obama says anything, ever.
The need for such regulation is great, according to Obama, who has been taken to task recently, due to unfair misinterpretation of words he has used, such as ‘transparency’ and ‘bipartisan’.
“With the election of 2008 came a new age of enlightenment – one where words certainly have meaning, but perhaps not the meaning you think they have, or the meaning they have always had in the past.. or even the meaning they have today. Let’s face it, the definitions of words are constantly evolving, depending on the motives of myself and my administration. Because of this, I think we can all agree that dictionary reform is necessary.”
President Obama ended the press conference with this sobering reminder:
“If I’m being honest, the fate of our country depends on everyone being perfectly clear on the meaning of the words that come out of my mouth, and, more specifically, their meaning at that exact moment, as all definitions are subject to change at my discretion. It’s the only way our great nation will survive.”
*Please refer to the Obamanary for new definitions of honest, great, and survive.
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