Following his death this morning, Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) released a statement assuring his constituents that he would continue to work on their behalf from beyond the grave.
“Not even the Grim Reaper will keep me from funneling billions in federal tax dollars to my home state,” the respected former Klan member wrote in blood on a bathroom mirror. ”Besides, I still haven’t finished filibustering the Civil Rights Act.”
The oldest member of congress and longest-serving senator in history, Byrd will continue his stint as an apparition. While some are disconcerted watching him float across the senate chamber, many of his colleagues are glad he’s still around.
“He’s as spry as he ever was!,” chirped a giddy Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “And have you ever seen him look so good?”
Some Republicans grumbled about Senator Byrd’s ghostly attire, but party leaders quickly shut them up and apologized for any offense that may have been caused to the deceased.
"I really hate this background."
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I am a pillar of my community, a defender of justice and a role model for small children. 
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