Ask Amy: The Separation

Dear Amy,

My marriage of over 40 years has suddenly fallen apart , and I feel so lost.

I just don’t understand how this could have happened. We’ve been going hot and heavy for years now, and by all indications, things were only getting hotter! I even had some of my peers assess our relationship, and they agreed that the average temperature of our marriage was getting warmer every day.

However, now there are skeptics claiming that our marriage was actually cooling the entire time! Can you believe that? I have chart after chart containing very official data that claims otherwise, so I know this can’t possibly be the case.

Can you help me figure out what went wrong?

Yours,

Albert

P.S. This letter was written on 100% recycled toilet paper. In case you haven’t heard over and over and over again, I’m very concerned about the state of the environment.

Dear Al,

Don’t beat yourself up! Those marriage warming skeptics are being willfully obtuse. Of course your marriage was getting hotter- probably dangerously so! Why, I bet if things had worked out, the heat of your marriage would’ve melted the icy glaciers of her heart by the year 2035.. well, eventually anyway.

Even if there were only extremely rare instances of heat in your marriage, you can certainly count them as proof that the warming trend was totally real and not just a fluke. Why, I bet there were hours – perhaps even days – of research done on the subject before any conclusions were ever even reached.

You know what I think? I think she was deceived by a series of hacked emails that seemed to indicate the warming trend was actually a fraud being perpetrated on society for political and monetary reasons. Which, quite honestly, is laughable.

No matter how revealing and damaging such emails might be, there’s no reason to entertain the idea that they could possibly discredit what can only be described as very scientific research. Am I right? I mean, obviously the comments contained in the emails have merely been taken out of context. Besides, the emails were from, like, ten years ago. And, okay, even if some of the emails were exchanged within the past year, what does that prove? The point is, only a crazy person would say the warming trend isn’t real.

As this series of emails has been the main source of your grief, I feel there is only one logical solution to your dilemma – shut down the internet. That’s right – just shut it down! If it weren’t for the internet, this never would have happened, so you really have no choice but to take back the very thing you bestowed upon society all those years ago.

I’ve spent a couple of hours pondering your dilemma, which is like a year’s worth of research in your world, so you know what I’ve said is valid. I hope this helps you see that you’re not the one with the problem- it’s everyone else .

And that’s it- the advice is settled!

If you need any other advice in the future, such as how to lower your cholesterol or downsize to a smaller home, feel free to write.

Good luck!

Amy

P.S. You truly are a friend to the environment. The private jet that you used to deliver your letter is undoubtedly much more efficient than a commercial airplane would have been. Even though you may lecture others constantly, at least you’re not a hypocrite