President Obama ponders the implications of an environmental disaster before forming a bipartisan committee to ponder it for him.
In what appears to be a much needed pick-me-up in light of continuously sinking poll numbers, President Obama today awarded himself the first official Medal of Courageous Restraint for his valiant inaction in the face of the catastrophic BP oil spill off the coast of Louisiana.
In an intimate ceremony, hastily organized immediately following the President’s first press conference in ten months, Vice President Joe Biden, who just happened to be passing by the oval office at that moment, presented the medal to Mr. Obama. Biden was visibly confused when the medal was first handed to him, as he himself has no military experience to speak of. However, after Mr. Obama explained the situation to Biden through an interpreter, the ceremony continued without a hitch. Biden recited his lines nearly perfectly, earning a little silver star for his efforts.
In prepared remarks, the award dangling around his neck along with his Nobel Peace Prize, Olympic Bobsled Medal and the clock he got from Flava Flav, the President outlined in tedious detail his difficulty avoiding work, particularly over the past month, and tangentially noted that he is now receiving treatment for tendonitis in his blaming finger. As expected, the President thanked his family for keeping him occupied away from the office and also his staff for reaching new levels of incompetence during this environmental travesty that just might trigger the END OF THE WORLD.
Finally, the President acknowledged that he was looking forward to doing equally little in the future and gave a final thanks to his caddy, for “helping me stay focused on more important things.“
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Whew! I was afraid, after the press conference, that Obama wouldn’t be able to successfully turn the situation to his advantage. I’m glad to see his ego has conquered, meaning America is once again safe.