D.E.A.T.H. Proclaims Operation Spring Awakening “Total Success”

Knifework.net was present today at the Board of Directors meeting for D.E.A.T.H (Dick’s Energy and Arms Trade Holdings) where the results of its recent “Operation Spring Awakening” were discussed. A massive plan involving the use of its chairperson Dick Cheney’s diving and detonation skills, propaganda, and strategic short selling via its securities division, Spring Awakening netted DEATH over 300 billion USD in profit in only 45 days.

Phase One of Spring Awakening involved the torpedoing of the South Korean warship Cheonan from the submersible stealth yacht SS Birdshot. Despite shelling from a nearby South Korean Navy vessel, Captain Cheney and the genetically enhanced crew of the Birdshot were able to exit the area and quietly traverse across the Pacific and through the Panama Canal for the second phase of Spring Awakening. It is estimated that the rise in tensions along the Korean DMZ and subsequent arms sales netted DEATH 100 billion USD in profits.

Phase Two was the deployment of the Stent-class microsub from the SS Birdshot where Cheney and his crack commando team covertly placed explosives on the South Korean built Deepwater Horizon oil rig. The eleven DEATH operatives already on board were able to disembark and be evacuated to present the appearance of casualties. All of the following goals of Phase Two were met:

1)Rise in worldwide oil prices.

2)Destruction of wildlife in the Gulf area so that DEATH can replace them with cyborg reconnaissance drones.

3)Complete and total humiliation of the Obama administration.

4)Further heightened tensions on the Korean peninsula.

It is estimated that current profits from Phase Two are 150 billion USD and ten chuckles by their leader Cheney.

Phase Three was the seeding of clouds over the Mississippi river basin by the Monsoon Assassin, a Boeing 747 Large Cargo Freighter modified by DEATH subdivision Halliburton. Five sorties by the Monsoon Assassin and ten specially placed explosive charges by Cheney along flood control levees meant that in days large swathes of Metro areas in Tennessee were underwater, taking advantage of numerous no-bid contracts Halliburton has to provide post-diaster emergency services in the state. Because of poor timing by DEATH, profits from this operation were only about 50 billion USD. Cheney reminded his staff that the rise in oil prices after Phase Two and the large fuel consumption of the Assassin showed the need for better communication throughout the organization. He then demonstrated his youthful vigor by fatally throwing a ball point pen through the temple of the person responsible for Phase Three.

Knifework.net has been invited back to the next DEATH Board of Directors meeting, check back for further updates. Or else.