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Dear Amy,
Due to the incompetency of others, I recently lost my job of 30 years and now I don’t know what to do!As Senator, serving others has been my life’s passion. I fear that nothing can possibly compare to the accomplishment one feels when voting ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on a piece of legislation.
Do you think I’ll ever find fulfillment again?
Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Your friend,
Arlen
Dear Arlen,
I’m truly sorry about your job loss – people can be so fickle sometimes!
Don’t be discouraged though. You’re entering a new and exciting phase in your life, and I think you’ll find plenty of ways to occupy your time.
The good news is, you can continue to play Solitaire and surf the internet on your home computer. These are undoubtedly activities to which you have become accustomed, considering all the time you’ve spent on the Senate floor. I mean, who really needs to pay attention to another Republican blathering on about healthcare reform? Besides, it’s not like anything they say, no matter how valid or logical, would ever sway you from your predetermined opinion.
If you find yourself becoming bored with reading about those despicable teabaggers, you might consider a part time job as a Walmart greeter. I feel this is a job for which you would be well suited, as your last job consisted mainly of standing around, smiling and waving to people. A few words of caution, though – you’ll have to check receipts, which means you’ll need to brush up on your reading skills, as they haven’t been put to use in quite some time. More importantly, there are two entrances into Walmart – so whichever side you choose, be sure to stay put. For some reason, they don’t like it when you constantly switch sides. Silly, I know.
Finally: take a trip to Vegas! I know you Senators love to gamble, as evidenced by your willingness to vote on bills you’ve never even read. Will it be good or bad for the country? Who knows??!! What a rush that must be! Just be aware that in Vegas you gamble your own money, rather than money belonging to someone else. Or maybe you have some leftover donation money you could use? I mean really, your supporters owe you for failing to get you re-elected. Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time campaign money was used to fund a personal vacation, right? Ha! Suckers.
Well, Arlen, I hope I’ve been of some help to you. Good luck in your future endeavors. Just remember: the world is your oyster, so keep stealing as many of those pearls as you can.
Yours truly,
Amy