A journey that was hindered by many setbacks, including golf outings and fundraisers, is finally over today as the one known as The One arrived on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. Accompanied by his devoted press corp, Barack H. Obama greeted all with warm handshakes and arrogant smirks.
The excitement here has been brewing for weeks, as fervent believers claim to have seen his likeness in the sludge washing up on pristine beaches. No one was disappointed. After an excessively long sermon, Obama performed several wonders.
Stepping gracefully over the brown-capped waves, Obama coolly strolled across the water. Head held usually high, he beckoned to his disciple Gibbs. With a running start, Gibbs made it several feet before looking down and sinking like a stone. Fortunately, the buoyant pudginess of Gibbs caused him to bob back to the surface.
Waiting for several Coast Guard vessels to tow Gibbs back to dry land, Obama performed his second marvel. With a simple gesture he parted the sea, allowing hundreds of migrant Mexicans to skirt Arizona and cross unencumbered into Louisiana.
Obama relinquished his mystical command of the water, drowning only a few stragglers, and returned to shore to feed the multitudes with loaves and fishes. The fish, as it turned out, was not the best of ideas. Horrified eco-activists immediately began slinging the fish back into the Gulf, praying that Obama would restore them to life. Hordes of pelicans descended upon the bounty, but struggled as they landed in the murky water.
Quickly diverting all cameras away from the carnage, Obama performed his final miracle. He turned the water into whine.
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I am a pillar of my community, a defender of justice and a role model for small children. 
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