Left Confounded Over Tea Party Coverage
Hordes of disgruntled Americans took to the streets yesterday, participating in Tea Party rallies across the nation. The aftermath has left progressives scratching their heads.
“I just don’t get it,” mumbled political science professor Jim Hendrickson as he paced around his current place of employment, Starbucks. “Why did the Tea Party rallies get so much network coverage? No one started a fight with the police, called for an assassination, or even burned a flag.”
This sentiment has rippled through the left, sending many of them scurrying to focus groups and self-help seminars. We were able to catch up with a few of them as they milled around outside begging for spare change.
“It’s just not fair,” wailed anti-war activist Turner Phelps, of Cincinnati. “When I was coming up, a protest wasn’t a protest until some innocent bystander got trampled and sent to the hospital to die in the waiting room.”
Donald Landry of Salem, Oregon told us that he heard shouting and saw signs off in the distance as he tuned his acoustic guitar on the corner of Hawkins Avenue. “Dude, I went over to check it out and I couldn’t even score any pot. What kind of bullshit protest was that?”
And Miguel Estrada bemoaned the lack of fashion he witnessed at Atlanta’s rally. “These people were wearing shirts made out of flags, I think. Fanny packs? Baby, this ain’t the fifteenth century!”
Almost everyone we talked to was concerned that the Tea Party was getting an unfair amount of coverage for their non-shenanigans, but not everyone agrees. Bernard Atkins of the Center for Political Progress, a polling firm that specializes in strangely worded questions and calling only their friends, says that he believes the Tea Party is having a hard time getting their message across.
“Until the Tea Party starts throwing motolov cocktails, vandalizing Mom and Pop stores, beating up minorities…basically everything we’ve been trying to accuse them of doing…I don’t think the average American is going to listen to them. You’re only wasting your time out there. So just stop.”
“Please?”