Your Guide To Potential Supreme Court Nominees

With the recent retirement of Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, speculation has been rampant as to who President Obama will nominate as his successor. Knifework.net has been lucky enough to glean information from insiders in the Obama administration and elsewhere and has prepared a list of those who appear to be the leading contenders for one of the most prestigious positions in the world.

Sam Webb

Current chairperson of the Communist Party of the USA, Sam is also the former state organizer of the Michigan Communist Party. He has a Masters in Economics from the University of Connecticut and in his spare time enjoys scrapbooking and creating innovative Asian fusion dishes.

His article “Socialism Revisted” is reportedly required reading at North Korea’s Camp 22.

“While I resist the idea that the working class on its own can bring its class opponents to its knees, I don’t minimize the strategic social power of the working class nor occlude the Marxist insight that the working class because of its economic location, political capacities and historical experience is best positioned, though not preordained, to emerge as the general leader of the broader democratic movement.” -Sam Webb

Cass Sunstein

With two degrees (including a magna cum laude J.D.) from Harvard and extensive experience working as a clerk in the Supreme Court his qualifications are without reproach. Mr. Sunstein has extensively argued for the dissolution of marriage, increased taxes, animal rights, and the nationwide banning of the Goober Burger.

Mr. Sunstein is currently the Regulatory Czar for the Obama administration, a position that no one has any clue what the fuck it is.

“A system of limitless individual choices, with respect to communications, is not necessarily in the interest of citizenship and self-government.” -Cass Sunstein

Samantha Ronson

Americans have wondered for years what it would take for us to have a Jewish Lesbian DJ as a Supreme Court Justice, and it appears the wait may soon be over. Renowned Hip-Hop and House DJ Samantha Ronson may not have the bona fides of other candidates, but her time spent as Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend has provided her with extensive knowledge of the legal system.

Her only drawback may be her libertarian views on government intervention in the public’s personal lives, as evidenced in this quote by her:

“Dear US gov’t- looking for people bored enough to fill out your census? Try the 405 or the DMV. You’re welcome, samantha.”

Kevin Carson

Kevin Carson

The wild card in this list, no one seems to know if Kevin Carson is an anarchist, libertarian, or communist. Barely known outside of intellectual circles for his work, Kevin is best known for his HALO skills on XBOX Live as “wombat21″.

“As a white man, I can tell you, I derive very little satisfaction from the knowledge that I’m being screwed over by people who look like me. Instead of worrying about the racial and gender makeup of the board rooms and cabinets, I’d like to tear them down.” -Kevin Carson

Amy Klobuchar

Currently the senior United States Senator from Minnesota, Klobuchar has extensive legal experience and in 2001 Minnesota Lawyer named her “Attorney of the Year”. In 2008 Klobuchar voted in favor of the Intelligence Authorization Act which included a provision to ban the use of waterboarding by the United States, seemingly contradictory to rumors that she waterboarded neighborhood children for fun in the early 1990′s.

“I raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends  —  true story! I know that is the record in the Senate, but in the House it’s held by Barney Frank.” -Amy Klobuchar

Cynthia McKinney

Surprisingly the first black nominee on our list, Cynthia is perhaps the one most in line with the personal political philosophy of President Obama himself. Just like our President, she has long been an admirer of Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, and is a longtime supporter of the Palestinian cause.

Ms. McKinney is the only truther on our list, and also the only personal witness to slavery and the Holocaust.

Images of burning Red Cross and UN buildings struck by US bombs contrasted with images of thousands of desperately poor Afghan women carrying sickly and starving children out of Afghanistan as they flee the might of the US military is tearing at international public confidence in our war against terrorism.” -Cynthia McKinney

Eva Angelina

As the last nominee on our list Eva is also the most contentious, but the idea of a pornographic actress in government is not without precedence. A staunch advocate of sexual freedom, abortion, drug use, and very interested in health care issues, Eva would be on the Court for a long time due to her age. She could also be a veteran and shows exceptional drive and aptitude as evidenced by a quote from an interview with her:

“Yeah, I’ve been in the business for a while. Since three months after I turned eighteen I’ve been in. Before It was always porn or the Navy, and I chose porn. I’ve been having a blast, you know? I’m the kind of person that always wants to do something at least once in their life. I think the Navy will be great and provide me with the skills I need to come back and run my corporation the best way possible, I’ll know how to run the business. I’ll have the discipline, the organizational skills, and I think I’ll be taken more seriously.”


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