As If Free Healthcare Was Not Enough, Obama Went Ahead and Achieved World Peace

Ticker tape, confetti and balloons irrevocably damaged the environment today as celebratory parades were held around to the world to honor U.S. President and baseball enthusiast Barack Obama.  Mr. Obama has succeeded where all other non-deities have failed.  He has achieved World Peace.

Artist's depiction of Obama defeating evil once and for all.

Perhaps the only thing more astonishing than this grand accomplishment is the simplicity in which it was attained.  For centuries the answer has been right under our noses, but one of the many failings of human beings has always been our shortsightedness.   Fortunately, we elected a President that can not possibly be human.

You be the judge.

It seems that all we had to do was announce when we would not use our military might.  By assuring our enemies that we would not respond to biological or chemical attacks with a nuclear assault, we instantaneously won their hearts and minds.  Iran immediately suspended its nuclear program and al Qaeda beat their ceremonial scimitars into plowshares.

“Some on the Right ridiculed our dear leader for bowing to foreign dignitaries,” sneered Vice President Joe Biden. “But I told you this kid’s backbone would be tested.  I bet a lot of people will be begging for him to bow now.”

President Obama also went a step further, banning words like “Islam” and “Jihad” from the English lexicon.

“Let me be clear,” lectured the Commander-in-Chief on Wednesday, “we can no longer use our nuclear arsenal as a deterrent against attacks.  Therefore, we can no longer use words that might offend our new Muslim overlords.”