Socialized Medicine Linked to Crippling Retardation

In a stunning new study released today by the University of Ottawa, researches claim they have found a link between countries that have socialized medicine and debilitating retardation.

Violent retardation is a cry for help, researchers say.

“We are not sure yet just what aspect of universal health coverage causes retardation,” said provost Francois Houle. “But we think it has something to do with the fact that people who want it are retarded.  It is hard to be sure because we are, in fact, retarded.”

After showing us around a very cluttered and disorganized laboratory, littered with colorful toys and soiled underclothes, Houle tried to recreate one of the experiments conducted by the University’s student research team.  Picking up a small, metallic object that we later learned was an unfolded paper-clip, Houle crouched in front of the nearest electrical socket and inserted it.  For the next 15 minutes, he replicated this experiment until he was distracted by a nearby computer’s screensaver.

Some time later, after prying him away from the screensaver’s bouncing icon (and then the purple balloon he found in a trashcan), Houle told us this new study was groundbreaking.  He then proceeded to beat on the floor with his fists.

Asked for comment on the study, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the data was “unsurprising.”

America will lead the way in retardation, vows Gibbs.

“Why do you think we passed universal health care here in the States?,” asked Gibbs while tweeting on his iPhone. “99.7% of our base is retarded.  You think they’d have put us in power otherwise?”

Gibbs also responded to Francois Houle’s stern warning to conservative pundit and author, Ann Coulter, that freedom of speech is defined differently in Canada than in the U.S.

“Not for long!,” he giggled.

Tags: Ann Coulter, health care, Liberal Hypocrisy, Robert Gibbs