Joe Biden Stranded in Haiti

Minutes after giving a speech in Port-Au-Prince titled “Free Markets for Free Countries: Why Government Intervention Hurts Rather Than Helps,” Joe Biden found himself stranded in Haiti, a man without a country. The White House refused to comment on the speech, but an unnamed source called the speech “The last straw.”

Reportedly, senior officials were not briefed on the speech, in which Biden said “Government is simply incapable of investing as capably as the private sector,” “Government spending has never worked as a trigger for economic growth” and “Grandiose infrastructure projects will not suddenly transform this country into a Taiwan or Hong Kong. It will take detailed attention to such critical areas as establishing a modern property rights system, a low rate of taxation, and eliminating the current culture of corruption.”

Before he even finished the speech, Biden’s motorcade was seen leaving Port-Au-Prince Stadium at high speed, with the C-130 and C-40 Clipper airplanes that transported him there taking off less than thirty minutes later. Biden later made it to Port-Au-Prince airport on foot, but after arriving was told that without a passport he wouldn’t be allowed to board any flights out of the country.

UN Workers then directed Biden to an aid station where he was able to receive two rice balls, an apple and a juice box. It is unknown where Biden spent the night but during an interview with MSNBC this morning he appeared disheveled and confused. During the interview Biden said he didn’t know why the Secret Service had left him there, but that “Obama must feel I have a lot of work left to do here.”

Repeated attempts to contact the White House for comment have been stonewalled, and no one at the moment appears to know whether or not Biden is still fulfilling his duties as Vice President.