Barack Obama Conquers America in Quest for OIL!

Capping off his year long campaign against the United States of America, our great leader has finally seized his prize: America’s vast, untapped oil deposits.  As most of his followers rejoice, there remain pockets of resistance.  These fringe groups are undeniably made up largely of racists and homophobes.

“I thought Obama was an environmentalist!,” shrieked Greenpeace director, Phil Radford, while beating his angry fists into a dying tree. “But he’s BLACK!  As black as oil!”

"Tina, I'd stop saying that if you'd bathe and shave once in awhile."

Such angst from people who once worshiped the ground Obama walked on is, to say the least, surprising.  Some are even calling the President’s birth into question.

“This man is not the Messiah we were promised,” says Huffington Post commenter and Socialists Against the False Prophet founder, Ira Hailey. “We were led to believe that this half-white, half-black child had descended from the Heavens to lead us to blissful utopia.  Now, I think it’s more plausible that he was simply born from a human woman too stupid to realize she could get an abortion.”

These people flooded out of their local coffee house moments after the announcement was made.

Acts of physical violence are feared as the White House ramps up security to counter the growing rage building in its admittedly unstable former base.  Bricks of tofu have shattered Congressional office windows and someone spit on Rep. Barney Frank, although he claims that he liked it.