TeamUSA Hockey Win Prompts Fear of Retaliation

The nation of Canada lies in icy shock today, one day after the large, frozen, partially-civilized country located somewhere near the North Pole suffered a humiliating defeat at the Olympic Games currently being held in Vancouver, British Columbia, which is in Canada.

American defense officials did not comment on rumors that Canada would retaliate militarily after the loss.  But there are unconfirmed reports that ice-fishing numbers have dropped suddenly, a well-known sign that Canada is ramping up its vaunted war machine.

“We never suspected they would attack us in an unprovoked way, eh,” said Jacques de Nordiques, spokesman for the Royal Canadian Ministry of War.  “We were just skating around, minding our own business, having a Molsen and getting in line for hangover medicine for the morning, when those  barbarians scored,” Nordiques continued. “I think for the next generation all Canadians will remember where they were when It Happened.”

But military expert Gen. Fitzgerald N. Pannick, USAF-Ret, was confident about US forces in the area.  “Our Biathlon team is up there, and looking to go to work on some live targets, if you know what I mean,” the general said.  “We like to go in with an overwhelming force like that when we can.”

But there is still a chance the matter could be resolved peacefully. “We do have embassies open in each other’s countries,” said General Pannick, “and the Olympics are still going on.  Open hostilities will probably wait until after the closing ceremonies.  We don’t want any collateral damage to friendlies, and I suspect, or hope, that neither do they.”