President Obama: A Man Who Believes in Capitalism
President Barack Obama admitted belief in the free market last week, drawing a fierce response from free market deniers.
“The science is settled on this!” screamed EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson, clarifying the President’s statement. Taking a moment to collect herself , she admitted, “Alright, a consensus of scientists does now believe that a free market exists, but most are convinced man is the cause of it.”
Revealing a graph that looked sort of like a hockey stick, but not really, she proved beyond her own doubt that the implementation of capitalism rose exponentially as mankind evolved from some sort of imaginary primordial goop.
Scientific documentary on the origins of man.
- “Look,” continued Jackson. “Animals share. When dinosaurs roamed the earth, the tyrannosaurus and the triceratops lived in harmony. When the gazelle is hungry, the noble lion invites it to dinner. Only the human species, with one exception, is so bloodthirsty as to invent such a vile thing as Wall St.”
Asked what the exception was, Jackson referenced the peaceful Native American Apache.
The White House was quick to respond to the outcry. Chief of Staff and legendary Jewish Mobster, Rahm Emanuel issued a terse press release, “Just because the President may or may not believe in a so-called ‘free market’ does not mean he has plans to actually support it. If any of you scum-sucking reporters dares to ask him how that can be, I’ll just input FALSE CHOICE into the teleprompter.”