Loading ...Tension between the United States of America and Canada continues to escalate at a rapid pace today, following TeamUSA’s 5-3 victory over Canada in Men’s Hockey last night.
On the heels of this morning’s bitter exchange, first reported by this site’s Loren Heal, eye-witnesses report that Canada’s entire Navy has been launched into Lake Ontario.
While Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano could not confirm these reports, proving that the system is still working, she did admit that it was unlikely that the Canadian Skulls team had been confused with Canada’s Navy. “These are the Winter Olympics, after all,” she said, displaying her competence.
Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Barack Obama, who also moonlights as America’s Commander-in-Chief, quickly responded with a brutal apology. “The United States is deeply troubled by Canada’s feelings,” he told a gaggle of star-struck reporters earlier today. “I can only assure them that our victory last night both surprised and ashamed me. We are not trying to dominate France’s Olympics. Look at the Curlers we sent over there.” No one asked him if he meant Canada’s Olympics, as he did not take questions.
The President also went a step further, launching a public relations counterattack to shore up America’s stature with the all-important International Community. “America does not torture! As of right now the United States will no longer engage in Snowboarding.”
Shaun White was then deported to Pakistan.
Meanwhile, Canada’s resolve refuses to waver. Troops have amassed on the border, ready to invade US hospitals for routine tonsillectomies.
Barack Obama quickly switched hats to once again become Doctor-in-Chief and unveil his new Healthcare proposal, further angering his northern neighbors.
“America continues down the path of Imperialism,” blared Canada’s newly appointed general, Bryan Adams. “We will not stand by idly as they attempt to steal our healthcare system.”
The American people, astroturfed by power conglomerate Tea Party, Inc., loudly protested that they did not want Canada’s socialized medicine. This has sent democratic pundits across the country into a frenzy on MSNBC’s talk show panels, further complicating this already precarious situation.
We will continue to keep you updated on developments as they happen.